An · Unknown · Room

So to clear up the old journal (not that I write in a very connected way)... I'm going, I guess, whether I like it or not, according to Elie... so I may as well like it.

And... well... I do like it, most of the time. Except when certain things happen... like Adriel and Talmon both telling me in the same day that they would really rather stay here. Or... like Tiras getting mad at me.

Though you may wonder what that has to do with going to earth. Well, here it is *sigh*. Half the point for me of going to earth is to bring back the old me, which I miss, and I know other people miss. And so ... last night, with the Halloween madness and all that... it was a step in that direction. But it was another time when I realize that not everyone may like the old me. They only know the Seph they've seen here, and they like him, and they're not sure what to do with this person they've never seen before. Tiras obviously didn't like that stunt last night, and is in that mindset of "I can't believe YOU did that" toward me. 

Of course I feel guilty. But more than that, I just feel sad. Tiras doesn't even seem to want to talk to me, and I think it must be because I offended his perception of me as someone who takes serious things seriously... like killing. I think that's most of why he's upset. If someone else had done it, maybe he wouldn't be so unsettled. But it was because he had an expectation of me to be a certain way and I failed that expectation. *sigh*

This is really pathetic, but I have to admit, I feel sorry for myself. Sometimes I just wonder why I am not meant to... well... I'm not sure what I'm trying to say. Things just don't ever work out the way I would really like. I try to keep an optimistic view of my life most of the time... and indeed sometimes I'm too optimistic and get higher expectations than I should. But sometimes it's just so obvious when I step back that there are absolutely no guarantees in this life. No one is sure to love you forever, no place will always feel like home, no job is secure, no friendship unbreakable. I who want so much for things to be stable in my life... well, the only way I've found for that to happen even remotely is to just be absolutely boring and lifeless, and that is no way to live at all. And it still doesn't guarantee anything! If I weren't Christian, I think I would have a really hard time keeping any faith in anything. But the fact that God is unchanging in his attitude toward me is the only thing I can hold on to now.

This seems pessimistic to say, but in truth, there is always a possibility of loss, and I'm not even talking about death, though that's a terrible sadness as well. But I look at the people in my life right now. Who seems to want to be a part of my life to some extent? Adriel, or he wouldn't follow me... Maze, as he has said recently, or else he wouldn't seek me out. Tiras, because we talk so often lately. Talmon, because I take care of him and I'm the only person he seems to really trust.

These are the people I can take with me to earth. I am certainly grateful that I have them. If I didn't... I probably wouldn't be able to go on. Life is meaningless without relationships of some kind. I am sick of being alone, and I never want to go back to living that way. But as I think of all this, it's obvious to me that there's no promise I can rely on that this balance will last. Tiras almost seems mad enough that he might not want to talk to me for a week or more, who knows? At times I feel Adriel should stay here. He obviously doesn't want to go and is only going because I'm going, and he's sure to resent it, and maybe will come to resent me as well even if fondness for me was the reason he came in the first place. Things like that do happen. As for Maze, well, who can predict him? Talmon seems pretty keen on staying with me his entire life, but even with parthies, I'm not sure I believe every relationship is rock solid. And he's not a peer... he's ... my responsibility.

I don't say this to try and say that these four friends of mine are wishy-washy people, because they're not. But I just... I just know that even someone you thought would always be there might not be one day. This definitely doesn't keep me from pursuing friendships with people... but in my darker hours I feel sad and let down by life.

But, well, I'm probably just feeling this way because I'm bothered that Tiras is mad at me when I was finally feeling comfortable with my spazzy side. I guess I wish he appreciated it instead of being disturbed. But I understand why he was. I think his sensitivity about such subjects is probably a good thing, but not something that just anyone can appreciate, since most people haven't actually taken someone else's life. Considering his experiences, I guess my behavior was irreverent at best.

i just wish I didn't feel the dark waves of annoyance coming off him. I hate that feeling.

On a separate note, I am still trying to decide whether to trim my hair. Somehow the thought of it makes me feel even sadder. I'll have to wait until I'm feeling a little better I guess. I do have standing creeds of doing whatever makes Elie happy regardless of whether I get anything in return... but sometimes I wish I didn't. It just makes the emptiness of it all so obvious, and I hear Vin and Merv echoing in my head about moving on. There was something more to it, but I forgot, it's slipping away, the reason I had. Um. Ah well. It doesn't matter anyway.

I have to at least make sure I keep some of my promises to her, since I broke so many others...

Anyway, this is enough angsting for now. If I go on I'll just end up being really disgusted with myself and rolling my eyes later.

UGH. Edward. How I despise you and the me which thought you were cool. I hope I never catch another admiring thought for you crossing my brain ever again! *insert overly dramatic loathing fire-breathing laser-vision Seph face*

I guess I'd rather be thought a fool and liked than thought to be too perfect, and thus inspire absolute indifference, as seems to be the default when people aren't either infatuated by my stupid looks or inspired to disgust by my very personality....

Okay, it's a bad sign when I start sounding like Stephen to Rae's brain. That is a VERY BAD sign. No offense to him, but I do not want to sound like him. I am me and nobody else! And I try not to be stuck in depressy moods like this very often, but once in a while I just feel like it's better to admit to myself that I am sad than try to deny it and ignore it. Otherwise I get all self-deceived and stubborn and do weird things.

Or at least get weird urges to do things. Like pierce my eyebrow. That's a new one.

This journal is OVER. Really.

So I'm in a state of indecision again. Or I will be if things continue as they are going.

I was quite determined just a day or so ago, but now I'm not so sure.

Here is the difficulty.

Staying here has its pros and cons.

Pros: 
Hadarah and Rakem will have someone to take care of them
Talmon will have a family group to grow up in
Adriel won't have to be left behind or compelled to come along (and I won't have to miss him)
The L2s will be taken care of and not sold off and/or separated
The sense of purpose I may get from serving them
I will be able to continue association with Scotch, Asha, Myra, Lycias, and Sarren
And I add this one hesitantly... but I must be fair and say that it could be a pro that Hadarah and I might become close, though I feel deeply uneasy about this...

Cons:
MERV
Having so much responsibility
Missing Earth and not being able to see Maze, Hale, K, Tiras, Julie, and Sonia
Possibly getting entangled in a relationship with Hadarah
Possibly becoming more and more boring and living a life of "okay"ness rather than LIFE.

Alright. So here are the Pros and Cons of going to Earth.

Pros: 
Talmon will be freer and safer in the long run
I will possibly be happier and more interesting of a person
Being able to see Maze, Hale, K, Tiras, Julie, and Sonia
Getting away from Merv
A&W (yes it is important)

Cons:
Hadarah and Rakem won't have someone to take care of them
Talmon may find the transition extremely difficult
Adriel will either be left behind or come halfway against his will and may be unhappy for quite a while
The L2s might have to be sold and/or separated and won't have me to help take care of them
Not being able to see Scotch, Asha, Myra, Lycias and Sarren

This may not seem too dramatic of a distinction... but to me the biggest problem is that me going to earth only makes a few people other than myself happy. I know Maze and Tiras would be glad. Julia may be, if I see her often... Walda I suppose *rolls eyes* ... but otherwise it's just me I'm pleasing. On the other hand it would be a cause of dismay to Adriel, Talmon, Rakem, Hadarah, Scotch, Asha, some of the L2s at least, Lycias... basically everyone I know here who isn't going probably would like it better if I stayed.

Is it really worth it to upset so much just for one person? Is it really right, especially when that one person is myself? 

Then again, is it really fair for me to give myself up yet again? To step down from what I want, to pull back from those who need me, now that I know I am able to help them in some small way? 

Is it really good of me to flee from someone, two people in fact, who may need me very much indeed?

Is it right to betray myself... to go against some of my deepest feelings... in order to satisfy my guilt? 

One of the things I feel best about, when thinking of myself, or rather... one of those things I try hardest to be is unselfish. I am always proud of myself when I can really step back and put myself aside for someone else. Those moments make me feel like maybe I'm not such a failure after all. And the reason is because they are rare, aren't they? Or I try to think they are.

So is it really betraying myself to try and keep with those values? Why does it feel so wrong for me to give myself up to help Hadarah and Rakem? What is this opposing conviction which runs just as deep, if not (sadly) deeper?

It's an unspoken thing, and probably will stay that way. If I speak it... I fear it would only be torn apart by those who heard it. Heaven only knows that Merv has already trampled all over everything else I've ever said about the deepest feelings of my heart. Sometimes I really don't know why I talk to anyone anymore. I barely even trust those I'm closest to not to shoot my secret hopes down within an instant of sighting them, a feeble flicker in their gaze.

If I am not allowed to keep my treasures safely buried out of reach of confiscation and desecration... I may just end up losing myself in a very different sense. One which rings further toward what my own father went through.

But that's a tangent. I am full of fears. I only wish for people to let me be, let me wish for what I want to wish for, because as long as my wishes remain not acted upon, then they are really not hurting anyone are they? 

Back to the topic at hand *sigh*

I foresee a complete loss of self if I stay with Hadarah. And for once.................. this terrifies me.

Whereas, if I go to Earth, I see self becoming larger, better defined, rather than melting into another.

Normally, I would know instantly that to choose losing self is to choose the better path.

But not this time. And I don't know why. Because... I suppose... this time... loss of self would be so complete that I wouldn't even really be Seph anymore. I would be someone else, unrecognizable to everyone else in my life. Or perhaps recognizable in some way to them... but not to myself.

And the saddest part is that I feel no one would miss who I was. Perhaps I have already lost that. So what have I to lose?

I would die in a sense... unmourned but by one or two people. Just like Vin.

*shiver* 

And yet I feel I would be doing everyone a horrible wrong if I did not stay. What is one life, one personality, when compared with the happiness of many? And what is there left of myself that is really worth defining anyway? What is so great about my "self" that I should choose what would rebuild it, rather than building others? The truth is that there is no real reason why I should leave apart from being there to help K and Tiras if they should need it.

Isn't a life better spent serving others, rather than clinging to who one's self is? Didn't Jesus say that to find our life, we must lose it? 

Maybe this is my chance.

So why does it feel so wrong? 

It's probably just my own misguided emotional irrationality. Just because something is frightening doesn't mean it's wrong, right?

This test is too great for me. *sigh* 

If I think of it as a test, then obviously I must choose the harder choice. I must stay and sacrifice.

I am quite honestly shocked at how strong my own will is, that it's still resisting and screaming no at me with all the strength it can muster against this wall of "I must not be selfish". I'm not sure whether to be proud or ashamed. Pride was my first instinct. But does that mean it's right?

No....

I really wish I had someone other than Merv to counsel me. Sarren rarely actually gives advice, just encouragement toward attempts at working things out myself. Everyone I might ask would be far too biased.

Oddly, I get the thought to ask K. I wonder what he would do if his older brother came to him for advice o.0

I think he would either tell me "I dunno, do what you want!" or else "just go to earth" and to either tag on, verbally or otherwise "why are you asking me?"

Times like these make me wish I really could just ask God and get a clear answer one way or the other. But in my experience he seems to like letting me figure things out myself *sigh*

Dad... *sigh* why did you have to add to the mess that is me....

Well today was bittersweet in a way I haven't experienced in a long time.

For Talmon and Rakem's joint birthday we decided to make a day of it. We spent half the day in the city, half sort of in the mountains. I should be utterly exhausted, but instead I feel restless even though I am a little tired. Hmm.

Well we went to see various things, a short play, walked past some sort of competition involving trained birds (Adriel was fascinated of course), hung around a sort of interactive museum, which Talmon really liked, and just basically walked around looking at things in shops and picking up things to eat along the way. Rakem was enthusiastic about everything. Well, nearly everything. He didn't like this one treat we got him... it had some specific thing in it he didn't like... Hadarah was pretty sheepish about forgetting.

And the weather was very nice. A little windy, but good temperature, and sunny most of the time. Hadarah also really seemed to enjoy herself which ... you know... .... is nice. I suppose she must be very lonely at times. *sigh*

Around 5 we left for the mountain resort. Not intending to spend the night of course... just as a sort of evening excursion, since they have such good food there and the pools and things... and I wanted to see what it's like when it's not snowy. It turned out to be a pretty good choice... the food was indeed excellent and we were all in such a good mood after the train ride that we were chattering it up quite a bit. Rakem is so cute xD and Talmon was even quite talkative. He was probably the happiest I've seen him, actually. It took up until that point for him to loosen up enough, but by the time we were halfway through dinner he was laughing and interrupting the rest of us and actually freely talking about things. It was so nice to see him relaxed and enjoying himself for once! I can't even say how happy that made me, after watching him struggle with anxiety and tension all this time.

So after dinner, we decided to go soak in the pools for a bit (I know, you're not supposed to swim after eating... we are bad xP). The kids and Hadarah were all for it, but Adriel was reluctant due to his big strawberry mark. Poor thing : \ so I decided to sit out with him and we'd just be in our swim shorts but wearing loose sleeveless shirts too, keep our feet in the water or something. Also, I will admit, I felt self-conscious. I don't know why I find it to be such a big deal, being shirtless in front of people -_- but especially with Hadarah there, I was glad to have an excuse not to.

So we just watched the kids playing. Talmon seemed hesitant at first, but warmed up to it almost as instantly as Rakem did, and pretty soon they were playing little splashing games and just horsing around. I honestly felt a little silly, because sitting there, watching them like that, I felt so moved xD I am such a softy sometimes *siiigh* But Talmon really honestly seemed to enjoy playing with Rakem and it was cute to watch him because there is a sense of brotherliness there, which I hadn't noticed before. Hadarah was playing referee between them, but eventually she backed off and started trying to persuade Adriel to go in. I could tell Adriel wanted to but was still too embarrassed. Eventually Hadarah asked a passing attendant if it would be okay for him to swim with the shirt on and the attendant was a nice cheery young girl who seemed very easygoing and instantly said "yeah of couuurse!" 

So Hadarah pushed Adriel in xD well, half-wrestled.

And then threatened to push me in too >_> So I slipped in quietly so she wouldn't try the wrestling thing.

So she sat back and let me watch them and get splashed for a while... it was fun except when Rakem and Talmon got so into it that they started disturbing the other people *cough* so we had to make sure they toned it down after a different attendant "yelled" at us (he didn't really yell). But I played around for a bit... was an underwater horse for Rakem a couple of times which he seemed to really enjoy xP it was a test for me of how long I could hold my breath.

Then me and Adriel sat back with Hadarah because the kids were calming down a bit and staying in the shallows anyway...

It was nice just relaxing at that point. We talked more... Hadarah kept saying how grateful she was that we would do this, that Rakem has friends like this and she can do things like this for him now. It made me feel a bit like maybe it all means something more than just washing dishes and cooking meals. Maybe what I do really does make life easier for her and Rakem, though somewhat indirectly. Also I was just glad to see that she and Rakem were happy, and Talmon, and Adriel. It was a nice break from worry. We talked lazily about ourselves and each other, and random things. Adriel drifted in and out of the conversation. There were a few other people in the pool that we randomly talked to, a woman and her brother. It was ... heh... um... funny. Our first thought on seeing them was that maybe they were a couple, and their first thought on seeing us all was that we were some sort of family group, like... well... me and Hadarah, with the two kids, and maybe Adriel was an uncle (xP or aunt) to them or something >_> Well we all laughed about our wrong first impressions and made small talk until we decided to drag the kids out. Predictably, they complained a bit, Rakem loudest, but neither lasted very long. We had new clothes for both of them to change into after they showered off... their main birthday present, since they don't really do a lot of presents here

I am so sincerely thrilled about how happy Talmon was tonight! I haven't seen him so at ease before, ever.

On the way back to the train, Adriel ran ahead to keep up with the kids who were racing, and me and Hadarah lagged behind. I wasn't too worried... the place has a safe atmosphere, lots of lamps along the paths so you can't get lost or trip over things. It was really very peaceful. Hadarah said again how happy she was, how it was all so much like a dream for her after all these years of anxiety and hiding.

I made some lame responses which were meant to sound understanding... at this point I was feeling some odd form of nostalgia, but it was more sweet than bitter still. On the train ride back, Talmon and Rakem fell asleep, and Adriel very nearly did. Hadarah carried Rakem and I gave Talmon a piggy-back ride. Poor Adriel xP he had to carry himself. He seemed quite sleepy, so he headed inside as soon as we got on the property, while I walked Hadarah back to her place, and she laid Rakem down on his bed. Hadarah insisted on serving me some tea, so I put Talmon down and he zonked out on some blankets on the floor. The tea was delicious. Again. Hadarah personally thanked me, again, for the day, and by this time I was a little flustered and feeling flattered so I asked why she felt a need to thank me specifically so many times. I said the day was good because of everyone involved, including her and her son. She seemed thoughtful and agreed. I could tell there was something she wanted to say just by her general mannerisms, though by no means do I know her well. She then said, very slowly, that she simply felt that today was the closest she may ever come to having the type of family she has dreamed of, and that since I was a key part of that imaginary family, she felt especially grateful to me for participating. Or something along those lines... I don't remember her exact words.

I was a bit taken aback, though of course I'd been thinking in the back of my mind about the situation, how we are both like parents to these children and our children are like siblings... and how people mistook us as a family unit... I suppose I hadn't wanted to analyze it too closely and let it ruin the day for the kids if I found it too confusing or worrisome.

So I said, well, you're welcome... rather at a loss, I suppose. I think I added something about how personally glad I was to see Talmon feeling at ease within a family-like environment as well, but by this time I was feeling a bit uncomfortable as I realized what sort of subtle implications might be cropping up. Perhaps she is, intentionally or unintentionally, conscious or unconsciously, placing hopes upon my role in that family unit... and though it was something I was absolutely comfortable with tonight, since I was primarily in the role of father, I can't possibly live up to the other half of that equation. She seemed to sense my anxiety and respond to it in kind, though we both covered it up for a while in side comments about, well, our kids (does that sound weird in this context? our kids?)  and what we'd done that day... but here I am thinking guiltily that we are not so different. How often had I longed for a whole family to belong to, and never been granted it? How much happier Talmon was, tonight, at ease in that family environment. How happy Hadarah was. How happy <i>I</i> was!  So as ridiculous as it seems to one large chunk of my brain, I felt guilty that I was so immediately shooting down the hopes I was sensing off her, even if I wasn't doing it bluntly or really vocally.

I suppose part of me realizes that if I want the happy scenario of tonight repeated, and repeated frequently and faithfully... then the logical conclusion is to create the unit we were tonight, but more solidly than we were tonight. They were all so happy, and it was because of the dynamic of that group, and the unity of doing something as that particular group, and the roles we shared. I was happy too.

But of course, this can't be. My instant reflex was to shy away.

For obvious reasons, right? .... to be very frank... I don't want to enter that sort of relationship with Hadarah, though I do like her.

After a bit more awkward dodging around what we knew we were both thinking... we said goodnight, and Hadarah hugged me briefly but tightly in thanks. On my way back to the house, carrying Talmon, my brain was thinking about that night and all we'd done and Talmon laughing and splashing Rakem and interrupting people at dinner... but deep down, my heart was missing Elie worse than it has for weeks. Very deep down.

Oh I am hopeless *sigh* I flay myself at times. For now I suppose I will avoid thinking about it. Part of me wonders why I'm even accepting this as worth thinking about. But then I suppose even such an irrational being as I am can't quite ignore when certain obvious truths are staring him in the face. Happiness for an entire small group of people is nothing to lightly dismiss.

I had better sleep.

This box  of journals was given to me as a record of one man's life, to be used for judgement.

I shied away from judging him while he still breathed. Now I voluntarily judge him from how he judged me and others within these pages.

I also judge myself. I am missing him... I am missing, somehow, his presence in my life. Why should he be a comfort to me? I suppose his life relieved me of some of the same guilt he put upon me, but now that I allowed him to die, I have no escape from it but to try and bring him back to mind by running to the past and exploring his own mind.

I have an unhealthy (but natural?) concern for what he thinks of me. He was, for a long time, the only parent I had. Such a role model.. *sigh* though I hope in most ways I only tried to emulate his good qualities. Still I fear I may have followed the negative aspect too. He inspired so much anger in me at times, more than any other person. And he was such an angry person himself. I am glad I have learned to remove myself from that. Defending someone else doesn't have to be done in anger. Anger is useless... it distorts thinking, it causes more harm than good, always. Better to approach any problem or punishment with a clear head, a calm heart. That's why I felt rather encouraged by the fact that it was nearly effortless for me to not get angry at Jashen the other day. Though a cold feeling lingers in my chest when I think about him hurting Adriel.  A cold, tight feeling which is somehow familiar.

I am trying to find closure. Not thinking of my father didn't actually help... it made me feel like I was running away. So now I am taking the opposite approach. Isn't that so very Seph-like of me. When something doesn't work, try the complete opposite next! So I am diving into his essence, bathing in who he was and what he thought, and even if it does make me feel horrible sometimes, at least I don't feel like a coward.

Spiraling... specks in my vision... I must be really tired...

Still I am troubled by what Adriel said. Is what I'm learning really worth what I'm giving up lately? I do need to pay more attention, be more emotionally involved in others' lives. But I guess that doesn't mean stopping reading altogether. Take a step back and breathe, self, tell me what you see. I can walk the middle line and touch both walls at once. I can think of my father, but perhaps this is going to excess, if it is making me lose sight of all else.

What narrow sight I have at times... tunnel vision... ah now there's an emotional response. I can be such a fool.

I have been writing down questions about what Vin has said about me, the things which make me most uncomfortable as I read them. Perhaps in reviewing them I can find out why they stand out to me. Is it because I know, deep down, that I am guilty of those things? This is probably one of the biggest reasons I keep reading. I don't want to be blind to my own faults.

Confidence is overrated... though I honestly do miss it. Often. And intensely.

This is enough for tonight.

Seph is one.

Tending to sick people is oddly draining even though all I really do is bring them stuff and ask them how they are. Maybe I'm too sensitive. Hrm.

I want to have fun and be myself. I can't manage to be myself for more than a few minutes at a time, it seems. Grr. By being myself I mean being in that state where I feel most happy with being who I am. I'm still not happy with who I am ... at all.. and I guess that must mean I'm not truly happy with my life either. It figures... *le sigh*

I get flickers of it, of course. It's not as if I'm being someone else. But I guess what I'm looking for is a feeling of self-assuredness where I'm not doubting myself so much or wondering if I'm really helping the situation. I miss that. As much as I like hanging out with Lycias... what I feel from him isn't so much that freedom and confidence as it is comfort. He comforts me, and so in a way I do feel less doubtful of myself... but even he can't seem to bring out that specific energy I'm looking for... at least not consistently

Ah, what am I saying. I'm incoherent... I don't know why I'm writing about this. It's just empty smoke anyway.

Of a brain full of sleepy static.

I want to talk to my father.

It's a little strange, but yes. Just now, drifting, laying here... I want to talk to him. He wasn't a jerk 100% of the time, really. There were times when he was even wise and perhaps... kind.

How odd that I miss him. I grasp so readily at dangling strings, even if they are feet beyond my reach. I wanted so badly for him to give a care about who I was. What I thought.

I remember one night I was out on the fire escape... not smoking... but I just wanted to get out of the apartment. It was too tense in there. It was near the beginning of when we had K and he was recovering... and Vin was all stressed out, and it was taking so long for it all to heal I guess... and there was just that feeling in the air of pain and tension. And Vin came out after a while and joined me, said he thought K might finally be asleep, looked absolutely relieved. It was nice to see him get some relief from what must have been a very painful time. Vin was mumbling something about how he wasn't cut out for this, couldn't take care of himself, much less some tortured child who wouldn't even talk to anyone and was at risk for infection... he was really discouraged. I just kind of stood there leaning on the rail and staring down at the street. He said maybe K would do better somewhere with other kids or a mom or something... not some grumpy old police officer and his half-witted obnoxious son. I didn't say anything, just kind of let him ramble. Finally he turned to me and said "Well? Are you going to say anything?" and I shrugged and said "I speak when spoken to, right? " 

So then he asked me what I thought he should do, what would be best for K. I said if he grew up with an abusive mother maybe it was better he was in a situation where women weren't the ones trying to lead him. But you know, secretly, I think I was being selfish. Part of me saw K as a hope for myself, because I reasoned that if Vin was so bent on saving this kid who was born from the same mother I was, then maybe I could wedge myself into that little circle as well. If he wasn't around, things would go back to normal. Isn't that vile of me though? Here is this kid, my little brother, suffering, and maybe he would have done better somewhere else. Our home wasn't exactly a home at all... or a positive environment half the time. And I wanted to keep him there. I didn't really see it at the time I suppose, why I said what I did, but it started a discussion and for a while Vin and I talked as if he didn't hate my guts. He actually talked to me like an equal. That just fueled my hopes I think.

The more I remember, the worse I feel about K. I mean, the more guilty I feel. I never really got it right. I'm unearthing so many little regrets, and even if a lot of these things were just thoughts or feelings I had about him without actually voicing or acting on them in any way, they're still awful to remember. Added up it makes me feel almost like I deserved Vin's ridicule. I had my phases of trying hard to be a good brother to him, but somehow they always turned out badly. And as with a lot of other things, it turns out that I was a pretty selfish person after all.

I've started reading little bits and pieces of his journal. I see so much of myself in him sometimes that it scares me. My traits, but overblown, larger, more intense. Or do I just think they are worse than my own, when really they're exactly the same and I'm just blind to the weight of my own faults? It really is a miracle that I haven't turned out worse. Having Vin for a father would have been enough... add in the unknown element of Mysia and there should have been a 99% chance of me becoming absolutely insane by adolescence. 

It's crazy how often my thoughts turn toward K. I guess I just don't notice it... since it happens so often, it's like background noise. Though living with him again might have something to do with that.

It's better that we part ways I suppose. If I haven't been able to make amends all this time then there's no point in prolonging or hesitating. I've had my chances and blown them... and he probably doesn't care anyway.

I'm so glad to have my kitty back. Casper's finally started sleeping on my bed again. He's curled up in my arms now, purring and warm. Agh, I forgot how absolutely wonderful it is to bury one's face in a purring cat! He's such a sweet cat... I love him so. I will be quite devastated if anything ever happens to him. He may be a cat, and thus prone to ignore me sometimes... but it seems like, pretty often when I'm feeling empty in the quiet of my own room, he ends up leaping up and nosing my face with his whiskers, and it makes it so much easier to fall asleep at peace, or some semblance of peace anyway. *melty melt*

Here he goes rubbing his face against my chest and purring like mad. I think he must be trying to distract me from whatever's taking my attentions away from him. In this case, that's a great thing, since I ended up being pretty gloomy in this journal entry. Cats are great. Casper is the best cat in the world (I can say that because Nina, his equal, is not in this world xP)

*melts into happy puddle with kitty in arms* I can sleep well now...

I guess I haven't written in a while. That's okay. No news is usually better than too much. I'll try not to dump too much detail at once.

The past month and more has basically been one big blur of trying to get my life back to normal. Whatever that is. I guess I don't really know what normal is. But whatever it is, it's not what happened after Vin died. Things got kind of foggy for me and I was so tired all the time, it was frustrating. I'm feeling a little better now, but ... still have some days where I get tired quickly again. 

For most of the first few weeks I wandered around doing chores and finally took some walks because I couldn't concentrate on Talmon's schooling. I could barely even handle Tiras asking me for tips on English every once in a while. It's pretty pathetic, isn't it? I feel like Vin's given me a whack to the brain all over again and I'm still scrambled up because of it.

Somewhere along the line I emailed Elie in one of my better moods and that helped keep me at a good high for about a week... around that time, Talmon, who had been sleeping in his own room since Vin died... decided he wanted to go to school. I had a lot of mixed feelings about that and at one point was more depressed than ever because the way I was analyzing myself was none too flattering. Something along the lines of feeling dependent on a child's dependence and how despicable that is. But I'm feeling much better now and my brain's a little clearer every week.

I've had a few good respite days. The first was the day after the funeral, which I spent with Talmon, Adriel, and Rakem. It was good for me to be in Adriel and Rakem's presence, and good for Talmon, too, I think. When those two are together they just really ... warm my heart. Rakem is such a sweet little thing, and Adriel is so protective of him even though he's such a sweet little thing himself xD

Then later I had a little meltdown of sorts, which I hesitate to elaborate on. But I'll be honest and say that I didn't actually "almost" lose it all over Merv. I kind of did lose it. But in a way it was her own fault because she called me in to talk to me, said she was concerned about how I'd been lately, and of course that's all well and good but in that sort of mood I felt threatened by her probing and after a while of it I got upset. It was a number of things I yelled about, and... well.. cried about. Of course the first was Vin. I had a lot to say about him after all, but not at his funeral. I guess I saved it until I had an appropriate audience. *sigh* But once I was done dragging his memory over the coals, I went on a bit of a tirade about everything else that's happening, about people leaving and my being left behind and about regrets and purpose and accusations of mental instability which were certainly not being helped by my raving about how I wish people wouldn't think I'm some immature braindead freak... all in all I felt pretty satisfied when I was done, but that faded into shame, and then into a bit of resentment because once I thought about it a little I realized that Merv almost certainly was trying to get me to blow up like that, and when I questioned her about it, she said sometimes a little fit of temper can do someone good as long as it's handled correctly.

I felt a bit manipulated and I didn't really like it, but it inspired me to get out of the house the next day, which proved to be useful. Lycias is as good a friend as ever... sometimes, I feel like he's the only one I really have because he's the only one I really feel comfortable telling -everything- to. He has no past connections to me, no ways in which I've hurt him in the past and so there's nothing painful to him specifically that I can bring up in our conversations. I can be completely open with him and that's something very... satisfying. I only fear that someday that may change... though it may not have a chance to since we don't actually get together that often.

I had one other outing with him more recently and that proved just as refreshing and comforting. In between them was Scotch's birthday, another excuse to get out of the house, and that was good too. Bittersweet at least. He's such a good young man and he's so happy even though life is so stressful sometimes, for him. He obviously loves his wife and daughter and they obviously love him back. It's as picture-perfect as life can be I suppose. I envy him a little... but I certainly don't resent him for it. I like Scotch and it always makes me feel a little better to know that someone got their fair share of life's joys. He certainly deserves all of them.

Micah left recently, to start his new life overseas. Merv went with him the first day to get him established and make sure he wasn't living in a pigsty or something unacceptable like that. Adriel's been a bit down about it. I wasn't aware they were still close, but I guess Adriel and Micah had worked out a system of talking early in the morning or late at night depending on Micah's schedule at the hospital, and it was important to Adriel to reaffirm their friendship before Micah left. The week before, Micah was off work so he and Adriel spent nearly all their time together, including time spent doing things with Rakem. One of the highlights of those few days was watching Micah (who I've barely seen in the last several months) play with Rakem... who instantly trusted him once he saw that Micah was Adriel's friend. He's actually become a very trusting boy, almost too trusting. He trusts everyone in the house, which might not be wise since I don't know the mental states of all of them. I've asked Tiras and he says a few of the former L2s are still unstable, especially Jashen and Onias.

But as I was saying... I haven't often gotten to see Micah interact with children closely, but he seemed pretty taken with Rakem. Said he reminded him so much of how sweet Adriel was when he was that age, though he says Adriel wasn't nearly as rambunctious most of the time and it always took a little nudging to get him to loosen up. I guess I can believe that xD Adriel always blushes when Micah mentions how fond he is and of how they were when Adriel was a kid... it's adorable.

Micah and Adriel parted (Adriel rather tearfully) early in the morning... Micah was obviously having trouble with his own decision though and trying hard not to show it. He said Adriel could come visit him once he'd gotten his establishment up and functional, had a couple of parthies to rehabilitate, that sort of thing. He was putting on a good show of confidence and smiled a lot more than he frowned. Adriel tried to respond in kind but he's never been exactly good at hiding his feelings while I've known him. *sigh* I love him... he really inspires me somehow. After Micah left he turned to come upstairs and gave me this really cute attempt at a brave smile... and I just had to hug him. He didn't end up actually crying till later. *fond fond*

Till then he's been a little subdued, but he's talked with me more, and that's helped both of us I think. Adriel's really... a well-adjusted parthy when you think about it. For him to be able to live through his mother's death, his best friend's sudden arrest, having to live on his own for 20 years and being physically and verbally assaulted on numerous occasions during that time... then having to let go of that friend again... he's completely uncorrupted by all that and even if he's a little heartbroken at the separation, he deals with it. I wish I were as strong.

So... I've been spending time with Adriel, with Talmon of course, though he doesn't tail me quite as constantly as before... and occasionally with Tiras when I can resist the tempation of just speaking Thirasian to him since it's more convenient that way than listening to his accent which is really ... pretty funny. Sorry, Tiras. I feel kind of bad saying it but even though he's made remarkable strides in learning the language and can carry on a simple conversation pretty easily now... he'd still stick out like a sore thumb on Earth because nobody has that much of an accent unless they've lived under a rock their whole life. And his grammar still needs some work. He works at it, though. He works at it hard. I'm frankly blown away by how much he's learned and how hard he's worked. At this rate he'll be ready pretty soon... ready enough, at least, to get by without a translator.

I guess I'm not one to talk though. Merv says I still sound strange when I speak Thirasian, and Adriel reluctantly agreed when I asked him. But she says my grammar is good at least.

But anyway, it's a little annoying to not be able to speak more complexly to him so if I want to have a serious conversation I have to speak english to him for quite a while first. It's the unspoken rule.

Tiras... I'm really going to miss him. He's such a helpful person... reliable too. For all my distrust of him at first, I'd now put him in the very short list of individuals I'd trust with my life or even the life of my loved ones. He did all he could to help Talmon while protecting me, and I'll never forget that. He's done all he can to help K in ways I can't, and I won't forget that either. Somehow, for being an ex-murderer... he's one of the most likable people I've ever met o.0 I'm not sure I quite understand why, but I always enjoy talking to him. He's got a surprising depth of perception and sensitivity about certain subjects and we get along really well. He knows what to joke about and what to not joke about when he talks to me. Most of the time. The only problem is that I'm afraid I might end up killing him one of these days by talking too much.

I say this because whenever he wants to talk to me about really serious issues he says he'd never talk to anyone about (anyone on this planet anyway), he ends up being a little down the day after, and often these discussions are very emotional for him. He's extremely concerned about what will happen after death, especially when it comes to himself and K and whether they will be separated. But he's also concerned with himself individually as well. He's asked me a lot of questions. Whenever the subject is brought up in the smallest way he seems to inevitably ask me questions even if he looks like he's not enjoying asking the questions at all. It's like he's compelled against his will to ask. Well, I had a private little service last sunday with me and Adriel and Talmon... and Tiras walked in halfway through, apologized, and I invited him to stay for the rest of it. And he did, but he sat in the background the whole time looking worriedly at the floor.

Afterward, he waited for ages to get me alone, looking restless and agitated the whole time, and finally I had to come up with some excuse for Adriel and Talmon to leave... and I asked him what was up. He then started in with the questions again, some especially regarding if there was any way to really know where you stood. Basically he was asking me if there was some sort of way to be sure that someone was going to be forgiven. There was a long discussion and he seems stuck on the fact that he's done too much to even be able to think of asking for forgiveness. He says sometimes he really wants to pray for K, just in case someone's listening, and it's someone more on K's side... but he says he's afraid of trying, that whenever he even thinks of trying he feels almost sick at himself and how "worthless" he is apparently. He expressed this sort of thing from many different angles. In essence I guess he's afraid of approaching God because of his own shame and beyond that, afraid that even if he could manage to pray for K, God wouldn't listen because of who was doing the praying, or worse, that God would be offended somehow. I try to reassure him, over and over, that that's just not how God works, but nothing seems to really reassure him. And then he ends up getting frustrated and saying "well who knows if there's even really a God anyway?" and starts getting prodded by even more questions about why so many bad things have happened to K when he's done nothing to deserve it. And then he gets angry, and when I talk him out of anger, he's just sad and ashamed and a little depressed and he says thank you and goodnight and I'll think about it, and walks away.

I wish there was something I could do for him... at least most of the time he doesn't seem to be tormented by these questions on a surface level, but every once in a while he'll take a break from his emotional control and start asking again.

On a completely unrelated note, Talmon's first day of school was today. He was trembling a little with nervousness this morning. Firmly denied that he was, of course, and got a little peeved at me when I was apparently speaking too gently to him. I let him go at the door since I wouldn't want to embarrass him by walking him to school or anything. I would say I was more of a wreck during the day than he could have been, except that when he got home he was extremely tense for the first fifteen minutes. I was kind of worried. But then he relaxed, just seemed relieved to be home and ate plenty, which is always a good sign. After that initial shock, he was almost talkative when I asked him how his day went. He described a lot about the school itself, but it took a lot of prying to tell me more of what I really wanted to know, which was how he had done at in-class assignments and how his peers had received him. He says it all went fine and I think I believe him about that... except there was something suspicious in his face when I asked him what the teachers thought of him. But then he said that he's just a student and so why would they treat him any different than any other student... and I agreed that they shouldn't.

I hope tomorrow goes as well or better...

*sigh* life goes on. I'm trying not to think too hard about the future, since there's nothing I can do to prepare for or prevent it.

I went to Vin's funeral this morning. It was a very simple service. Julia insisted he be buried in Italy, and she made the journey there by train. It was just me, her, Sonia, Merv, and a few people she'd hired, including a human pastor I guess she knows.

Julie cried a lot. I ended up holding Sonia most of the time. She cried a little too, but of course... it was probably just because she heard her mom crying, or she was tired or something.

Julie had a lot to say about Vin, too. She talked about how they'd met, how he danced with her to cheer her up sometimes, what a romantic he'd been and how good a man he was to her, how she loved his smile when he showed it and his laugh and that he was the only man who she felt had truly loved her. She said a lot of things and I can't remember all of them. It was a warm day, almost hazy bright and my head hurt, my throat too. I didn't cry though except for a little bit near the end. Mostly I just felt numb and dizzy.

I didn't say probably more than five sentences the whole time I was there. I didn't really take in my surroundings, and I barely felt it when Julie hugged me goodbye. I feel like I'm in a weird bubble. And my head still hurts. I'm stuffed full of feelings that I don't understand. It feels like I'm infected.

I'm a little worried. I need to snap out of this soon, before I'm totally useless. I don't want to make anyone else worry either.

It's just buzzing and creeping through me from my head. My confused thoughts are all the way to my fingertips. I really hate being so emotional. I don't know anything about myself anymore. Do I miss him? I don't know what I'm feeling.

Even though I knew this was coming... it's still kind of a shock.

My father, Donavin, committed suicide at 8:47 PM, tonight. It was quick and painless. Merv gave him the option a couple of days ago... but I had my hopes that he wouldn't take it. He seemed in a good mood when I visited him last. But now he's dead. I was told less than a half hour ago.

I feel strange. I don't feel like describing it though. All I'll say is that it burns, hot and cold. And when it doesn't burn, I'm numb.

I don't think I want to spend tonight here. I'm going to go spend the night at Maze and Hale's in Vin's old bedroom. I guess that seems kind of strange... but... being in a house full of people who don't even know what his death means... it's suffocating me. I want a piece of my old life back. I don't want to just slip back into life as usual before midnight has even passed. I couldn't even if I wanted to. Physically, yes. Mentally and emotionally, no.

Merv's going to have him buried on earth. She wants to let Julie have some say in how it all goes. I think that's very decent of her. I just hope this doesn't hurt Julia too badly. Part of me wonders if we should even tell her at all, but it would be wrong not to let her see him before he's buried. Vin has let her down so badly. She still had hope for him, but he blew that too. And now I'm starting to cry... *sigh*

I feel let down, too. But somehow I knew it would end up this way. I knew he'd choose this. He'd already given up and I could tell.

I don't have much else to say. I guess I'm still in slight shock. Why should I be shocked if it's not that much of a surprise? I guess just the thought of him really... really being dead... ... ... it's shocking no matter how much I tried to fathom it before.

I can't get enough breath in my lungs. I hope Talmon doesn't mind sleeping alone too much... he can crawl in with Adriel if he gets too anxious.. I just have got to get out of this house.

I feel RESTLESS lately... like I have way too much energy. But doing things I usually want to do is not helping much. I even did some sword forms yesterday but an hour later I was fidgeting again. Maddening.

Talmon update: No, he's not calling me dad on a regular basis... but his anxiety levels seem lower in general. Was he really that scared of my reaction? Or maybe he's just nervous about getting attached to someone.

Part of me feels like I'm going with K and Tiras. As much as I remind myself that I'm staying here... I constantly feel as if there's something I should be doing to prepare for their departure. I guess it's just my mind's way of telling itself "things will be different after this". They really will be. Of all the people who were in my life before I came to this planet, the only one who will be left in contact with me is my father. And he might not even be around for very long. Merv's considering the idea of just letting him kill himself with a lethal injection or something less messy than broken glass. I don't know what to say to anyone about him anymore. I bet K doesn't even care, and no one else on this planet certainly does.

What would it be like to know that no one would be sad if you died? I feel like everyone deserves at least one person to cry over their passing, if only because the life before it was a waste. But to know that you wouldn't even be missed? I can't imagine. At least Julie will miss him. But she's not here anymore... so I guess I still feel like, somehow, I would end up mourning pretty heavily if he died. I don't know... maybe I'm just crazy. But if he died right now, I would probably be the only one at whatever sort of burial service he might have, besides the necessary gravediggers and whatever else there is (I've never actually been to a funeral). No one would have anything to say. Not even me. I wouldn't know what to say.

What do I say about the person who called me every nasty name in the dictionary, beat me up, and otherwise just tried his very best to drive me from his life? The person who gave me such sound advice at some times, but at other times only ever tried to make me miserable? The person who I wanted most to get close to, besides Elie and K? The person who wished I never existed, even though I'm one of the only people left in the universe who cares that he still does?

I don't know....

So I guess that's still bothering me. I guess I would feel like... if he died... that finally everyone I used to know and tried to keep in my life had moved on and left me behind to cope with their decisions. Because I'm the guy who just can't move on.

I'm just bothered by this whole thing. The whole thing of everybody moving on without me. At least before, we were all connected somehow. I guess the whole Mysia thing moved us through life together, brought us here to this place. A lot of things kept us linked. As a group, we moved from point A to point B. But now I feel like, at point B, this bubble of people I've had around me for the last few years has subconsciously disassociated me from them. I'm being singled out. Or I singled myself out somehow. And so the group moves on to point C. Or back to point A, whichever you want to see it as being. I'm the hiker left behind at the fork in the trail while the rest of my group goes on ahead.

I have new people in my life, I know, and that's great. Essentially I guess that's why I'm getting left behind. I've made new connections. But K made new connections too. I guess the difference with him is that he never had any connections to begin with. For him it's probably no decision at all, no contest. He somehow always manages to get what he wants in the end. I guess it's our way of trying to make up for what life's done to him. How unmerciful it's been. I don't blame him for not caring about anyone else. Part of me envies him that he can so easily just pick up and move on to the next part of his life without losing anything he considers to be important.

I'm being dropped off on an island... because I made friends with the natives, and no one else did except for K, and his friend can go with him so it doesn't matter. One of these days I'll be standing on the beach watching the boat that brought me here sail off into the sun, maybe never to be seen again.

I guess part of me thinks it would be better just not to visit at all, because it would remind me of things and make me want to stay and then I'd be torn. I guess part of me just wants to forget about everything, even though I know that's probably unlikely to happen and the rest of me would never allow it or like it anyway. I don't know where I belong, but since some people here would actually miss me if they never saw me again, this is where I'm staying. And it's the only place I have a chance at making any difference anywhere.

Mm... I didn't mean to be so whiny. But hey, that's what journals are for, right? I guess I have a lot of suppressed frustration right now... confusion and such.

I'm going to miss K....

Go on and call me a liar or a hypocrite or a dork or whatever other name you can think of that seems fitting.

I know, I know. I didn't see him for over half a year while he was in Ophel and never said a word about it during that time. I never played a big role in his life and I never managed to connect with him as a brother, even though I wanted to. I never meant anything to him, so why should he mean anything to me? 

Honestly, I don't know. But I guess that's just how I operate. I feel like I'm losing something important, with him leaving. Maybe I'm just like Vin... maybe I wanted him to be my chance to help someone, and if he leaves it's like losing that chance even though I never did much with it. I admit, that might be part of the reason. I don't know for sure. But I just know that I feel like I'm losing something, someone important....

I really wanted to be a good brother to him. I never was. Ugh.. *getting emotional*

I feel like there's so much I want to say to him, but if I were ever given a chance, I'd probably wonder what I was thinking, and see that what I have to say is unimportant. And if I said it, he'd probably just go "okayyy...." and give me that look like he's wondering why I just wasted his time with something like that. 

I just don't know how to connect with him. I kind of feel like maybe I can't do it because he doesn't want me to. He can probably tell that it'd be more trouble than it's worth to care about someone so emotional and overdramatic as I am. *sigh*

Really that's what I'd be asking him if I tried to connect with him, because a bond of any sort requires concern from both people on behalf of the other... and I'm sure that's something he is careful not to give 99.99999% of all people in his life. Tiras, my hat's off to you.

K thinks I'm weird... ... sometimes I feel like I'm the younger brother *rolls eyes at self and sighs* how often do you encounter an older sibling who wishes so desperately that their younger sibling would talk to them? It's kind of pathetic.

I'm trying to let go of it all. I really am. I know I need to just step back and let him live his life, like he's always wanted everyone to do, it seems. And physically, outwardly, I'm doing that, and have been doing it for a long time. But emotionally... I guess inwardly I play out everything and feel it as if I'm still responsible for him. I always feel like there was something I could have done, something I was supposed to do in this or that situation, because I'm his brother, but then I didn't do it because I didn't know what would happen or what he would think and then I feel guilty or even hurt because it's like I can't be trusted. But I know that's silly because K doesn't trust anyone. It's a stupid cycle of thought and I need to get out of it eventually.

I guess that means this is a good thing because I'll be forced to stop fooling myself into thinking I'm his brother. I never really was a brother in his eyes. Maybe I was by whatever his definition of a brother was, growing up, but that's not the definition of brother I was aiming for.

blahblahblahblahblah. Shut up and go to sleep.

Vin and K. Father and half-brother. Neither one of them have really acted like family toward me, and vice versa, for a long time. But somehow theyError running style: Style code didn't finish running in a timely fashion. Possible causes:

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