An · Unknown · Room

So to clear up the old journal (not that I write in a very connected way)... I'm going, I guess, whether I like it or not, according to Elie... so I may as well like it.

And... well... I do like it, most of the time. Except when certain things happen... like Adriel and Talmon both telling me in the same day that they would really rather stay here. Or... like Tiras getting mad at me.

Though you may wonder what that has to do with going to earth. Well, here it is *sigh*. Half the point for me of going to earth is to bring back the old me, which I miss, and I know other people miss. And so ... last night, with the Halloween madness and all that... it was a step in that direction. But it was another time when I realize that not everyone may like the old me. They only know the Seph they've seen here, and they like him, and they're not sure what to do with this person they've never seen before. Tiras obviously didn't like that stunt last night, and is in that mindset of "I can't believe YOU did that" toward me. 

Of course I feel guilty. But more than that, I just feel sad. Tiras doesn't even seem to want to talk to me, and I think it must be because I offended his perception of me as someone who takes serious things seriously... like killing. I think that's most of why he's upset. If someone else had done it, maybe he wouldn't be so unsettled. But it was because he had an expectation of me to be a certain way and I failed that expectation. *sigh*

This is really pathetic, but I have to admit, I feel sorry for myself. Sometimes I just wonder why I am not meant to... well... I'm not sure what I'm trying to say. Things just don't ever work out the way I would really like. I try to keep an optimistic view of my life most of the time... and indeed sometimes I'm too optimistic and get higher expectations than I should. But sometimes it's just so obvious when I step back that there are absolutely no guarantees in this life. No one is sure to love you forever, no place will always feel like home, no job is secure, no friendship unbreakable. I who want so much for things to be stable in my life... well, the only way I've found for that to happen even remotely is to just be absolutely boring and lifeless, and that is no way to live at all. And it still doesn't guarantee anything! If I weren't Christian, I think I would have a really hard time keeping any faith in anything. But the fact that God is unchanging in his attitude toward me is the only thing I can hold on to now.

This seems pessimistic to say, but in truth, there is always a possibility of loss, and I'm not even talking about death, though that's a terrible sadness as well. But I look at the people in my life right now. Who seems to want to be a part of my life to some extent? Adriel, or he wouldn't follow me... Maze, as he has said recently, or else he wouldn't seek me out. Tiras, because we talk so often lately. Talmon, because I take care of him and I'm the only person he seems to really trust.

These are the people I can take with me to earth. I am certainly grateful that I have them. If I didn't... I probably wouldn't be able to go on. Life is meaningless without relationships of some kind. I am sick of being alone, and I never want to go back to living that way. But as I think of all this, it's obvious to me that there's no promise I can rely on that this balance will last. Tiras almost seems mad enough that he might not want to talk to me for a week or more, who knows? At times I feel Adriel should stay here. He obviously doesn't want to go and is only going because I'm going, and he's sure to resent it, and maybe will come to resent me as well even if fondness for me was the reason he came in the first place. Things like that do happen. As for Maze, well, who can predict him? Talmon seems pretty keen on staying with me his entire life, but even with parthies, I'm not sure I believe every relationship is rock solid. And he's not a peer... he's ... my responsibility.

I don't say this to try and say that these four friends of mine are wishy-washy people, because they're not. But I just... I just know that even someone you thought would always be there might not be one day. This definitely doesn't keep me from pursuing friendships with people... but in my darker hours I feel sad and let down by life.

But, well, I'm probably just feeling this way because I'm bothered that Tiras is mad at me when I was finally feeling comfortable with my spazzy side. I guess I wish he appreciated it instead of being disturbed. But I understand why he was. I think his sensitivity about such subjects is probably a good thing, but not something that just anyone can appreciate, since most people haven't actually taken someone else's life. Considering his experiences, I guess my behavior was irreverent at best.

i just wish I didn't feel the dark waves of annoyance coming off him. I hate that feeling.

On a separate note, I am still trying to decide whether to trim my hair. Somehow the thought of it makes me feel even sadder. I'll have to wait until I'm feeling a little better I guess. I do have standing creeds of doing whatever makes Elie happy regardless of whether I get anything in return... but sometimes I wish I didn't. It just makes the emptiness of it all so obvious, and I hear Vin and Merv echoing in my head about moving on. There was something more to it, but I forgot, it's slipping away, the reason I had. Um. Ah well. It doesn't matter anyway.

I have to at least make sure I keep some of my promises to her, since I broke so many others...

Anyway, this is enough angsting for now. If I go on I'll just end up being really disgusted with myself and rolling my eyes later.

UGH. Edward. How I despise you and the me which thought you were cool. I hope I never catch another admiring thought for you crossing my brain ever again! *insert overly dramatic loathing fire-breathing laser-vision Seph face*

I guess I'd rather be thought a fool and liked than thought to be too perfect, and thus inspire absolute indifference, as seems to be the default when people aren't either infatuated by my stupid looks or inspired to disgust by my very personality....

Okay, it's a bad sign when I start sounding like Stephen to Rae's brain. That is a VERY BAD sign. No offense to him, but I do not want to sound like him. I am me and nobody else! And I try not to be stuck in depressy moods like this very often, but once in a while I just feel like it's better to admit to myself that I am sad than try to deny it and ignore it. Otherwise I get all self-deceived and stubborn and do weird things.

Or at least get weird urges to do things. Like pierce my eyebrow. That's a new one.

This journal is OVER. Really.

So I'm in a state of indecision again. Or I will be if things continue as they are going.

I was quite determined just a day or so ago, but now I'm not so sure.

Here is the difficulty.

Staying here has its pros and cons.

Pros: 
Hadarah and Rakem will have someone to take care of them
Talmon will have a family group to grow up in
Adriel won't have to be left behind or compelled to come along (and I won't have to miss him)
The L2s will be taken care of and not sold off and/or separated
The sense of purpose I may get from serving them
I will be able to continue association with Scotch, Asha, Myra, Lycias, and Sarren
And I add this one hesitantly... but I must be fair and say that it could be a pro that Hadarah and I might become close, though I feel deeply uneasy about this...

Cons:
MERV
Having so much responsibility
Missing Earth and not being able to see Maze, Hale, K, Tiras, Julie, and Sonia
Possibly getting entangled in a relationship with Hadarah
Possibly becoming more and more boring and living a life of "okay"ness rather than LIFE.

Alright. So here are the Pros and Cons of going to Earth.

Pros: 
Talmon will be freer and safer in the long run
I will possibly be happier and more interesting of a person
Being able to see Maze, Hale, K, Tiras, Julie, and Sonia
Getting away from Merv
A&W (yes it is important)

Cons:
Hadarah and Rakem won't have someone to take care of them
Talmon may find the transition extremely difficult
Adriel will either be left behind or come halfway against his will and may be unhappy for quite a while
The L2s might have to be sold and/or separated and won't have me to help take care of them
Not being able to see Scotch, Asha, Myra, Lycias and Sarren

This may not seem too dramatic of a distinction... but to me the biggest problem is that me going to earth only makes a few people other than myself happy. I know Maze and Tiras would be glad. Julia may be, if I see her often... Walda I suppose *rolls eyes* ... but otherwise it's just me I'm pleasing. On the other hand it would be a cause of dismay to Adriel, Talmon, Rakem, Hadarah, Scotch, Asha, some of the L2s at least, Lycias... basically everyone I know here who isn't going probably would like it better if I stayed.

Is it really worth it to upset so much just for one person? Is it really right, especially when that one person is myself? 

Then again, is it really fair for me to give myself up yet again? To step down from what I want, to pull back from those who need me, now that I know I am able to help them in some small way? 

Is it really good of me to flee from someone, two people in fact, who may need me very much indeed?

Is it right to betray myself... to go against some of my deepest feelings... in order to satisfy my guilt? 

One of the things I feel best about, when thinking of myself, or rather... one of those things I try hardest to be is unselfish. I am always proud of myself when I can really step back and put myself aside for someone else. Those moments make me feel like maybe I'm not such a failure after all. And the reason is because they are rare, aren't they? Or I try to think they are.

So is it really betraying myself to try and keep with those values? Why does it feel so wrong for me to give myself up to help Hadarah and Rakem? What is this opposing conviction which runs just as deep, if not (sadly) deeper?

It's an unspoken thing, and probably will stay that way. If I speak it... I fear it would only be torn apart by those who heard it. Heaven only knows that Merv has already trampled all over everything else I've ever said about the deepest feelings of my heart. Sometimes I really don't know why I talk to anyone anymore. I barely even trust those I'm closest to not to shoot my secret hopes down within an instant of sighting them, a feeble flicker in their gaze.

If I am not allowed to keep my treasures safely buried out of reach of confiscation and desecration... I may just end up losing myself in a very different sense. One which rings further toward what my own father went through.

But that's a tangent. I am full of fears. I only wish for people to let me be, let me wish for what I want to wish for, because as long as my wishes remain not acted upon, then they are really not hurting anyone are they? 

Back to the topic at hand *sigh*

I foresee a complete loss of self if I stay with Hadarah. And for once.................. this terrifies me.

Whereas, if I go to Earth, I see self becoming larger, better defined, rather than melting into another.

Normally, I would know instantly that to choose losing self is to choose the better path.

But not this time. And I don't know why. Because... I suppose... this time... loss of self would be so complete that I wouldn't even really be Seph anymore. I would be someone else, unrecognizable to everyone else in my life. Or perhaps recognizable in some way to them... but not to myself.

And the saddest part is that I feel no one would miss who I was. Perhaps I have already lost that. So what have I to lose?

I would die in a sense... unmourned but by one or two people. Just like Vin.

*shiver* 

And yet I feel I would be doing everyone a horrible wrong if I did not stay. What is one life, one personality, when compared with the happiness of many? And what is there left of myself that is really worth defining anyway? What is so great about my "self" that I should choose what would rebuild it, rather than building others? The truth is that there is no real reason why I should leave apart from being there to help K and Tiras if they should need it.

Isn't a life better spent serving others, rather than clinging to who one's self is? Didn't Jesus say that to find our life, we must lose it? 

Maybe this is my chance.

So why does it feel so wrong? 

It's probably just my own misguided emotional irrationality. Just because something is frightening doesn't mean it's wrong, right?

This test is too great for me. *sigh* 

If I think of it as a test, then obviously I must choose the harder choice. I must stay and sacrifice.

I am quite honestly shocked at how strong my own will is, that it's still resisting and screaming no at me with all the strength it can muster against this wall of "I must not be selfish". I'm not sure whether to be proud or ashamed. Pride was my first instinct. But does that mean it's right?

No....

I really wish I had someone other than Merv to counsel me. Sarren rarely actually gives advice, just encouragement toward attempts at working things out myself. Everyone I might ask would be far too biased.

Oddly, I get the thought to ask K. I wonder what he would do if his older brother came to him for advice o.0

I think he would either tell me "I dunno, do what you want!" or else "just go to earth" and to either tag on, verbally or otherwise "why are you asking me?"

Times like these make me wish I really could just ask God and get a clear answer one way or the other. But in my experience he seems to like letting me figure things out myself *sigh*

Dad... *sigh* why did you have to add to the mess that is me....

Well today was bittersweet in a way I haven't experienced in a long time.

For Talmon and Rakem's joint birthday we decided to make a day of it. We spent half the day in the city, half sort of in the mountains. I should be utterly exhausted, but instead I feel restless even though I am a little tired. Hmm.

Well we went to see various things, a short play, walked past some sort of competition involving trained birds (Adriel was fascinated of course), hung around a sort of interactive museum, which Talmon really liked, and just basically walked around looking at things in shops and picking up things to eat along the way. Rakem was enthusiastic about everything. Well, nearly everything. He didn't like this one treat we got him... it had some specific thing in it he didn't like... Hadarah was pretty sheepish about forgetting.

And the weather was very nice. A little windy, but good temperature, and sunny most of the time. Hadarah also really seemed to enjoy herself which ... you know... .... is nice. I suppose she must be very lonely at times. *sigh*

Around 5 we left for the mountain resort. Not intending to spend the night of course... just as a sort of evening excursion, since they have such good food there and the pools and things... and I wanted to see what it's like when it's not snowy. It turned out to be a pretty good choice... the food was indeed excellent and we were all in such a good mood after the train ride that we were chattering it up quite a bit. Rakem is so cute xD and Talmon was even quite talkative. He was probably the happiest I've seen him, actually. It took up until that point for him to loosen up enough, but by the time we were halfway through dinner he was laughing and interrupting the rest of us and actually freely talking about things. It was so nice to see him relaxed and enjoying himself for once! I can't even say how happy that made me, after watching him struggle with anxiety and tension all this time.

So after dinner, we decided to go soak in the pools for a bit (I know, you're not supposed to swim after eating... we are bad xP). The kids and Hadarah were all for it, but Adriel was reluctant due to his big strawberry mark. Poor thing : \ so I decided to sit out with him and we'd just be in our swim shorts but wearing loose sleeveless shirts too, keep our feet in the water or something. Also, I will admit, I felt self-conscious. I don't know why I find it to be such a big deal, being shirtless in front of people -_- but especially with Hadarah there, I was glad to have an excuse not to.

So we just watched the kids playing. Talmon seemed hesitant at first, but warmed up to it almost as instantly as Rakem did, and pretty soon they were playing little splashing games and just horsing around. I honestly felt a little silly, because sitting there, watching them like that, I felt so moved xD I am such a softy sometimes *siiigh* But Talmon really honestly seemed to enjoy playing with Rakem and it was cute to watch him because there is a sense of brotherliness there, which I hadn't noticed before. Hadarah was playing referee between them, but eventually she backed off and started trying to persuade Adriel to go in. I could tell Adriel wanted to but was still too embarrassed. Eventually Hadarah asked a passing attendant if it would be okay for him to swim with the shirt on and the attendant was a nice cheery young girl who seemed very easygoing and instantly said "yeah of couuurse!" 

So Hadarah pushed Adriel in xD well, half-wrestled.

And then threatened to push me in too >_> So I slipped in quietly so she wouldn't try the wrestling thing.

So she sat back and let me watch them and get splashed for a while... it was fun except when Rakem and Talmon got so into it that they started disturbing the other people *cough* so we had to make sure they toned it down after a different attendant "yelled" at us (he didn't really yell). But I played around for a bit... was an underwater horse for Rakem a couple of times which he seemed to really enjoy xP it was a test for me of how long I could hold my breath.

Then me and Adriel sat back with Hadarah because the kids were calming down a bit and staying in the shallows anyway...

It was nice just relaxing at that point. We talked more... Hadarah kept saying how grateful she was that we would do this, that Rakem has friends like this and she can do things like this for him now. It made me feel a bit like maybe it all means something more than just washing dishes and cooking meals. Maybe what I do really does make life easier for her and Rakem, though somewhat indirectly. Also I was just glad to see that she and Rakem were happy, and Talmon, and Adriel. It was a nice break from worry. We talked lazily about ourselves and each other, and random things. Adriel drifted in and out of the conversation. There were a few other people in the pool that we randomly talked to, a woman and her brother. It was ... heh... um... funny. Our first thought on seeing them was that maybe they were a couple, and their first thought on seeing us all was that we were some sort of family group, like... well... me and Hadarah, with the two kids, and maybe Adriel was an uncle (xP or aunt) to them or something >_> Well we all laughed about our wrong first impressions and made small talk until we decided to drag the kids out. Predictably, they complained a bit, Rakem loudest, but neither lasted very long. We had new clothes for both of them to change into after they showered off... their main birthday present, since they don't really do a lot of presents here

I am so sincerely thrilled about how happy Talmon was tonight! I haven't seen him so at ease before, ever.

On the way back to the train, Adriel ran ahead to keep up with the kids who were racing, and me and Hadarah lagged behind. I wasn't too worried... the place has a safe atmosphere, lots of lamps along the paths so you can't get lost or trip over things. It was really very peaceful. Hadarah said again how happy she was, how it was all so much like a dream for her after all these years of anxiety and hiding.

I made some lame responses which were meant to sound understanding... at this point I was feeling some odd form of nostalgia, but it was more sweet than bitter still. On the train ride back, Talmon and Rakem fell asleep, and Adriel very nearly did. Hadarah carried Rakem and I gave Talmon a piggy-back ride. Poor Adriel xP he had to carry himself. He seemed quite sleepy, so he headed inside as soon as we got on the property, while I walked Hadarah back to her place, and she laid Rakem down on his bed. Hadarah insisted on serving me some tea, so I put Talmon down and he zonked out on some blankets on the floor. The tea was delicious. Again. Hadarah personally thanked me, again, for the day, and by this time I was a little flustered and feeling flattered so I asked why she felt a need to thank me specifically so many times. I said the day was good because of everyone involved, including her and her son. She seemed thoughtful and agreed. I could tell there was something she wanted to say just by her general mannerisms, though by no means do I know her well. She then said, very slowly, that she simply felt that today was the closest she may ever come to having the type of family she has dreamed of, and that since I was a key part of that imaginary family, she felt especially grateful to me for participating. Or something along those lines... I don't remember her exact words.

I was a bit taken aback, though of course I'd been thinking in the back of my mind about the situation, how we are both like parents to these children and our children are like siblings... and how people mistook us as a family unit... I suppose I hadn't wanted to analyze it too closely and let it ruin the day for the kids if I found it too confusing or worrisome.

So I said, well, you're welcome... rather at a loss, I suppose. I think I added something about how personally glad I was to see Talmon feeling at ease within a family-like environment as well, but by this time I was feeling a bit uncomfortable as I realized what sort of subtle implications might be cropping up. Perhaps she is, intentionally or unintentionally, conscious or unconsciously, placing hopes upon my role in that family unit... and though it was something I was absolutely comfortable with tonight, since I was primarily in the role of father, I can't possibly live up to the other half of that equation. She seemed to sense my anxiety and respond to it in kind, though we both covered it up for a while in side comments about, well, our kids (does that sound weird in this context? our kids?)  and what we'd done that day... but here I am thinking guiltily that we are not so different. How often had I longed for a whole family to belong to, and never been granted it? How much happier Talmon was, tonight, at ease in that family environment. How happy Hadarah was. How happy <i>I</i> was!  So as ridiculous as it seems to one large chunk of my brain, I felt guilty that I was so immediately shooting down the hopes I was sensing off her, even if I wasn't doing it bluntly or really vocally.

I suppose part of me realizes that if I want the happy scenario of tonight repeated, and repeated frequently and faithfully... then the logical conclusion is to create the unit we were tonight, but more solidly than we were tonight. They were all so happy, and it was because of the dynamic of that group, and the unity of doing something as that particular group, and the roles we shared. I was happy too.

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