An · Unknown · Room

So to clear up the old journal (not that I write in a very connected way)... I'm going, I guess, whether I like it or not, according to Elie... so I may as well like it.

And... well... I do like it, most of the time. Except when certain things happen... like Adriel and Talmon both telling me in the same day that they would really rather stay here. Or... like Tiras getting mad at me.

Though you may wonder what that has to do with going to earth. Well, here it is *sigh*. Half the point for me of going to earth is to bring back the old me, which I miss, and I know other people miss. And so ... last night, with the Halloween madness and all that... it was a step in that direction. But it was another time when I realize that not everyone may like the old me. They only know the Seph they've seen here, and they like him, and they're not sure what to do with this person they've never seen before. Tiras obviously didn't like that stunt last night, and is in that mindset of "I can't believe YOU did that" toward me. 

Of course I feel guilty. But more than that, I just feel sad. Tiras doesn't even seem to want to talk to me, and I think it must be because I offended his perception of me as someone who takes serious things seriously... like killing. I think that's most of why he's upset. If someone else had done it, maybe he wouldn't be so unsettled. But it was because he had an expectation of me to be a certain way and I failed that expectation. *sigh*

This is really pathetic, but I have to admit, I feel sorry for myself. Sometimes I just wonder why I am not meant to... well... I'm not sure what I'm trying to say. Things just don't ever work out the way I would really like. I try to keep an optimistic view of my life most of the time... and indeed sometimes I'm too optimistic and get higher expectations than I should. But sometimes it's just so obvious when I step back that there are absolutely no guarantees in this life. No one is sure to love you forever, no place will always feel like home, no job is secure, no friendship unbreakable. I who want so much for things to be stable in my life... well, the only way I've found for that to happen even remotely is to just be absolutely boring and lifeless, and that is no way to live at all. And it still doesn't guarantee anything! If I weren't Christian, I think I would have a really hard time keeping any faith in anything. But the fact that God is unchanging in his attitude toward me is the only thing I can hold on to now.

This seems pessimistic to say, but in truth, there is always a possibility of loss, and I'm not even talking about death, though that's a terrible sadness as well. But I look at the people in my life right now. Who seems to want to be a part of my life to some extent? Adriel, or he wouldn't follow me... Maze, as he has said recently, or else he wouldn't seek me out. Tiras, because we talk so often lately. Talmon, because I take care of him and I'm the only person he seems to really trust.

These are the people I can take with me to earth. I am certainly grateful that I have them. If I didn't... I probably wouldn't be able to go on. Life is meaningless without relationships of some kind. I am sick of being alone, and I never want to go back to living that way. But as I think of all this, it's obvious to me that there's no promise I can rely on that this balance will last. Tiras almost seems mad enough that he might not want to talk to me for a week or more, who knows? At times I feel Adriel should stay here. He obviously doesn't want to go and is only going because I'm going, and he's sure to resent it, and maybe will come to resent me as well even if fondness for me was the reason he came in the first place. Things like that do happen. As for Maze, well, who can predict him? Talmon seems pretty keen on staying with me his entire life, but even with parthies, I'm not sure I believe every relationship is rock solid. And he's not a peer... he's ... my responsibility.

I don't say this to try and say that these four friends of mine are wishy-washy people, because they're not. But I just... I just know that even someone you thought would always be there might not be one day. This definitely doesn't keep me from pursuing friendships with people... but in my darker hours I feel sad and let down by life.

But, well, I'm probably just feeling this way because I'm bothered that Tiras is mad at me when I was finally feeling comfortable with my spazzy side. I guess I wish he appreciated it instead of being disturbed. But I understand why he was. I think his sensitivity about such subjects is probably a good thing, but not something that just anyone can appreciate, since most people haven't actually taken someone else's life. Considering his experiences, I guess my behavior was irreverent at best.

i just wish I didn't feel the dark waves of annoyance coming off him. I hate that feeling.

On a separate note, I am still trying to decide whether to trim my hair. Somehow the thought of it makes me feel even sadder. I'll have to wait until I'm feeling a little better I guess. I do have standing creeds of doing whatever makes Elie happy regardless of whether I get anything in return... but sometimes I wish I didn't. It just makes the emptiness of it all so obvious, and I hear Vin and Merv echoing in my head about moving on. There was something more to it, but I forgot, it's slipping away, the reason I had. Um. Ah well. It doesn't matter anyway.

I have to at least make sure I keep some of my promises to her, since I broke so many others...

Anyway, this is enough angsting for now. If I go on I'll just end up being really disgusted with myself and rolling my eyes later.

UGH. Edward. How I despise you and the me which thought you were cool. I hope I never catch another admiring thought for you crossing my brain ever again! *insert overly dramatic loathing fire-breathing laser-vision Seph face*

I guess I'd rather be thought a fool and liked than thought to be too perfect, and thus inspire absolute indifference, as seems to be the default when people aren't either infatuated by my stupid looks or inspired to disgust by my very personality....

Okay, it's a bad sign when I start sounding like Stephen to Rae's brain. That is a VERY BAD sign. No offense to him, but I do not want to sound like him. I am me and nobody else! And I try not to be stuck in depressy moods like this very often, but once in a while I just feel like it's better to admit to myself that I am sad than try to deny it and ignore it. Otherwise I get all self-deceived and stubborn and do weird things.

Or at least get weird urges to do things. Like pierce my eyebrow. That's a new one.

This journal is OVER. Really.

So I'm in a state of indecision again. Or I will be if things continue as they are going.

I was quite determined just a day or so ago, but now I'm not so sure.

Here is the difficulty.

Staying here has its pros and cons.

Pros: 
Hadarah and Rakem will have someone to take care of them
Talmon will have a family group to grow up in
Adriel won't have to be left behind or compelled to come along (and I won't have to miss him)
The L2s will be taken care of and not sold off and/or separated
The sense of purpose I may get from serving them
I will be able to continue association with Scotch, Asha, Myra, Lycias, and Sarren
And I add this one hesitantly... but I must be fair and say that it could be a pro that Hadarah and I might become close, though I feel deeply uneasy about this...

Cons:
MERV
Having so much responsibility
Missing Earth and not being able to see Maze, Hale, K, Tiras, Julie, and Sonia
Possibly getting entangled in a relationship with Hadarah
Possibly becoming more and more boring and living a life of "okay"ness rather than LIFE.

Alright. So here are the Pros and Cons of going to Earth.

Pros: 
Talmon will be freer and safer in the long run
I will possibly be happier and more interesting of a person
Being able to see Maze, Hale, K, Tiras, Julie, and Sonia
Getting away from Merv
A&W (yes it is important)

Cons:
Hadarah and Rakem won't have someone to take care of them
Talmon may find the transition extremely difficult
Adriel will either be left behind or come halfway against his will and may be unhappy for quite a while
The L2s might have to be sold and/or separated and won't have me to help take care of them
Not being able to see Scotch, Asha, Myra, Lycias and Sarren

This may not seem too dramatic of a distinction... but to me the biggest problem is that me going to earth only makes a few people other than myself happy. I know Maze and Tiras would be glad. Julia may be, if I see her often... Walda I suppose *rolls eyes* ... but otherwise it's just me I'm pleasing. On the other hand it would be a cause of dismay to Adriel, Talmon, Rakem, Hadarah, Scotch, Asha, some of the L2s at least, Lycias... basically everyone I know here who isn't going probably would like it better if I stayed.

Is it really worth it to upset so much just for one person? Is it really right, especially when that one person is myself? 

Then again, is it really fair for me to give myself up yet again? To step down from what I want, to pull back from those who need me, now that I know I am able to help them in some small way? 

Is it really good of me to flee from someone, two people in fact, who may need me very much indeed?

Is it right to betray myself... to go against some of my deepest feelings... in order to satisfy my guilt? 

One of the things I feel best about, when thinking of myself, or rather... one of those things I try hardest to be is unselfish. I am always proud of myself when I can really step back and put myself aside for someone else. Those moments make me feel like maybe I'm not such a failure after all. And the reason is because they are rare, aren't they? Or I try to think they are.

So is it really betraying myself to try and keep with those values? Why does it feel so wrong for me to give myself up to help Hadarah and Rakem? What is this opposing conviction which runs just as deep, if not (sadly) deeper?

It's an unspoken thing, and probably will stay that way. If I speak it... I fear it would only be torn apart by those who heard it. Heaven only knows that Merv has already trampled all over everything else I've ever said about the deepest feelings of my heart. Sometimes I really don't know why I talk to anyone anymore. I barely even trust those I'm closest to not to shoot my secret hopes down within an instant of sighting them, a feeble flicker in their gaze.

If I am not allowed to keep my treasures safely buried out of reach of confiscation and desecration... I may just end up losing myself in a very different sense. One which rings further toward what my own father went through.

But that's a tangent. I am full of fears. I only wish for people to let me be, let me wish for what I want to wish for, because as long as my wishes remain not acted upon, then they are really not hurting anyone are they? 

Back to the topic at hand *sigh*

I foresee a complete loss of self if I stay with Hadarah. And for once.................. this terrifies me.

Whereas, if I go to Earth, I see self becoming larger, better defined, rather than melting into another.

Normally, I would know instantly that to choose losing self is to choose the better path.

But not this time. And I don't know why. Because... I suppose... this time... loss of self would be so complete that I wouldn't even really be Seph anymore. I would be someone else, unrecognizable to everyone else in my life. Or perhaps recognizable in some way to them... but not to myself.

And the saddest part is that I feel no one would miss who I was. Perhaps I have already lost that. So what have I to lose?

I would die in a sense... unmourned but by one or two people. Just like Vin.

*shiver* 

And yet I feel I would be doing everyone a horrible wrong if I did not stay. What is one life, one personality, when compared with the happiness of many? And what is there left of myself that is really worth defining anyway? What is so great about my "self" that I should choose what would rebuild it, rather than building others? The truth is that there is no real reason why I should leave apart from being there to help K and Tiras if they should need it.

Isn't a life better spent serving others, rather than clinging to who one's self is? Didn't Jesus say that to find our life, we must lose it? 

Maybe this is my chance.

So why does it feel so wrong? 

It's probably just my own misguided emotional irrationality. Just because something is frightening doesn't mean it's wrong, right?

This test is too great for me. *sigh* 

If I think of it as a test, then obviously I must choose the harder choice. I must stay and sacrifice.

I am quite honestly shocked at how strong my own will is, that it's still resisting and screaming no at me with all the strength it can muster against this wall of "I must not be selfish". I'm not sure whether to be proud or ashamed. Pride was my first instinct. But does that mean it's right?

No....

I really wish I had someone other than Merv to counsel me. Sarren rarely actually gives advice, just encouragement toward attempts at working things out myself. Everyone I might ask would be far too biased.

Oddly, I get the thought to ask K. I wonder what he would do if his older brother came to him for advice o.0

I think he would either tell me "I dunno, do what you want!" or else "just go to earth" and to either tag on, verbally or otherwise "why are you asking me?"

Times like these make me wish I really could just ask God and get a clear answer one way or the other. But in my experience he seems to like letting me figure things out myself *sigh*

Dad... *sigh* why did you have to add to the mess that is me....

Well today was bittersweet in a way I haven't experienced in a long time.

For Talmon and Rakem's joint birthday we decided to make a day of it. We spent half the day in the city, half sort of in the mountains. I should be utterly exhausted, but instead I feel restless even though I am a little tired. Hmm.

Well we went to see various things, a short play, walked past some sort of competition involving trained birds (Adriel was fascinated of course), hung around a sort of interactive museum, which Talmon really liked, and just basically walked around looking at things in shops and picking up things to eat along the way. Rakem was enthusiastic about everything. Well, nearly everything. He didn't like this one treat we got him... it had some specific thing in it he didn't like... Hadarah was pretty sheepish about forgetting.

And the weather was very nice. A little windy, but good temperature, and sunny most of the time. Hadarah also really seemed to enjoy herself which ... you know... .... is nice. I suppose she must be very lonely at times. *sigh*

Around 5 we left for the mountain resort. Not intending to spend the night of course... just as a sort of evening excursion, since they have such good food there and the pools and things... and I wanted to see what it's like when it's not snowy. It turned out to be a pretty good choice... the food was indeed excellent and we were all in such a good mood after the train ride that we were chattering it up quite a bit. Rakem is so cute xD and Talmon was even quite talkative. He was probably the happiest I've seen him, actually. It took up until that point for him to loosen up enough, but by the time we were halfway through dinner he was laughing and interrupting the rest of us and actually freely talking about things. It was so nice to see him relaxed and enjoying himself for once! I can't even say how happy that made me, after watching him struggle with anxiety and tension all this time.

So after dinner, we decided to go soak in the pools for a bit (I know, you're not supposed to swim after eating... we are bad xP). The kids and Hadarah were all for it, but Adriel was reluctant due to his big strawberry mark. Poor thing : \ so I decided to sit out with him and we'd just be in our swim shorts but wearing loose sleeveless shirts too, keep our feet in the water or something. Also, I will admit, I felt self-conscious. I don't know why I find it to be such a big deal, being shirtless in front of people -_- but especially with Hadarah there, I was glad to have an excuse not to.

So we just watched the kids playing. Talmon seemed hesitant at first, but warmed up to it almost as instantly as Rakem did, and pretty soon they were playing little splashing games and just horsing around. I honestly felt a little silly, because sitting there, watching them like that, I felt so moved xD I am such a softy sometimes *siiigh* But Talmon really honestly seemed to enjoy playing with Rakem and it was cute to watch him because there is a sense of brotherliness there, which I hadn't noticed before. Hadarah was playing referee between them, but eventually she backed off and started trying to persuade Adriel to go in. I could tell Adriel wanted to but was still too embarrassed. Eventually Hadarah asked a passing attendant if it would be okay for him to swim with the shirt on and the attendant was a nice cheery young girl who seemed very easygoing and instantly said "yeah of couuurse!" 

So Hadarah pushed Adriel in xD well, half-wrestled.

And then threatened to push me in too >_> So I slipped in quietly so she wouldn't try the wrestling thing.

So she sat back and let me watch them and get splashed for a while... it was fun except when Rakem and Talmon got so into it that they started disturbing the other people *cough* so we had to make sure they toned it down after a different attendant "yelled" at us (he didn't really yell). But I played around for a bit... was an underwater horse for Rakem a couple of times which he seemed to really enjoy xP it was a test for me of how long I could hold my breath.

Then me and Adriel sat back with Hadarah because the kids were calming down a bit and staying in the shallows anyway...

It was nice just relaxing at that point. We talked more... Hadarah kept saying how grateful she was that we would do this, that Rakem has friends like this and she can do things like this for him now. It made me feel a bit like maybe it all means something more than just washing dishes and cooking meals. Maybe what I do really does make life easier for her and Rakem, though somewhat indirectly. Also I was just glad to see that she and Rakem were happy, and Talmon, and Adriel. It was a nice break from worry. We talked lazily about ourselves and each other, and random things. Adriel drifted in and out of the conversation. There were a few other people in the pool that we randomly talked to, a woman and her brother. It was ... heh... um... funny. Our first thought on seeing them was that maybe they were a couple, and their first thought on seeing us all was that we were some sort of family group, like... well... me and Hadarah, with the two kids, and maybe Adriel was an uncle (xP or aunt) to them or something >_> Well we all laughed about our wrong first impressions and made small talk until we decided to drag the kids out. Predictably, they complained a bit, Rakem loudest, but neither lasted very long. We had new clothes for both of them to change into after they showered off... their main birthday present, since they don't really do a lot of presents here

I am so sincerely thrilled about how happy Talmon was tonight! I haven't seen him so at ease before, ever.

On the way back to the train, Adriel ran ahead to keep up with the kids who were racing, and me and Hadarah lagged behind. I wasn't too worried... the place has a safe atmosphere, lots of lamps along the paths so you can't get lost or trip over things. It was really very peaceful. Hadarah said again how happy she was, how it was all so much like a dream for her after all these years of anxiety and hiding.

I made some lame responses which were meant to sound understanding... at this point I was feeling some odd form of nostalgia, but it was more sweet than bitter still. On the train ride back, Talmon and Rakem fell asleep, and Adriel very nearly did. Hadarah carried Rakem and I gave Talmon a piggy-back ride. Poor Adriel xP he had to carry himself. He seemed quite sleepy, so he headed inside as soon as we got on the property, while I walked Hadarah back to her place, and she laid Rakem down on his bed. Hadarah insisted on serving me some tea, so I put Talmon down and he zonked out on some blankets on the floor. The tea was delicious. Again. Hadarah personally thanked me, again, for the day, and by this time I was a little flustered and feeling flattered so I asked why she felt a need to thank me specifically so many times. I said the day was good because of everyone involved, including her and her son. She seemed thoughtful and agreed. I could tell there was something she wanted to say just by her general mannerisms, though by no means do I know her well. She then said, very slowly, that she simply felt that today was the closest she may ever come to having the type of family she has dreamed of, and that since I was a key part of that imaginary family, she felt especially grateful to me for participating. Or something along those lines... I don't remember her exact words.

I was a bit taken aback, though of course I'd been thinking in the back of my mind about the situation, how we are both like parents to these children and our children are like siblings... and how people mistook us as a family unit... I suppose I hadn't wanted to analyze it too closely and let it ruin the day for the kids if I found it too confusing or worrisome.

So I said, well, you're welcome... rather at a loss, I suppose. I think I added something about how personally glad I was to see Talmon feeling at ease within a family-like environment as well, but by this time I was feeling a bit uncomfortable as I realized what sort of subtle implications might be cropping up. Perhaps she is, intentionally or unintentionally, conscious or unconsciously, placing hopes upon my role in that family unit... and though it was something I was absolutely comfortable with tonight, since I was primarily in the role of father, I can't possibly live up to the other half of that equation. She seemed to sense my anxiety and respond to it in kind, though we both covered it up for a while in side comments about, well, our kids (does that sound weird in this context? our kids?)  and what we'd done that day... but here I am thinking guiltily that we are not so different. How often had I longed for a whole family to belong to, and never been granted it? How much happier Talmon was, tonight, at ease in that family environment. How happy Hadarah was. How happy <i>I</i> was!  So as ridiculous as it seems to one large chunk of my brain, I felt guilty that I was so immediately shooting down the hopes I was sensing off her, even if I wasn't doing it bluntly or really vocally.

I suppose part of me realizes that if I want the happy scenario of tonight repeated, and repeated frequently and faithfully... then the logical conclusion is to create the unit we were tonight, but more solidly than we were tonight. They were all so happy, and it was because of the dynamic of that group, and the unity of doing something as that particular group, and the roles we shared. I was happy too.

But of course, this can't be. My instant reflex was to shy away.

For obvious reasons, right? .... to be very frank... I don't want to enter that sort of relationship with Hadarah, though I do like her.

After a bit more awkward dodging around what we knew we were both thinking... we said goodnight, and Hadarah hugged me briefly but tightly in thanks. On my way back to the house, carrying Talmon, my brain was thinking about that night and all we'd done and Talmon laughing and splashing Rakem and interrupting people at dinner... but deep down, my heart was missing Elie worse than it has for weeks. Very deep down.

Oh I am hopeless *sigh* I flay myself at times. For now I suppose I will avoid thinking about it. Part of me wonders why I'm even accepting this as worth thinking about. But then I suppose even such an irrational being as I am can't quite ignore when certain obvious truths are staring him in the face. Happiness for an entire small group of people is nothing to lightly dismiss.

I had better sleep.

This box  of journals was given to me as a record of one man's life, to be used for judgement.

I shied away from judging him while he still breathed. Now I voluntarily judge him from how he judged me and others within these pages.

I also judge myself. I am missing him... I am missing, somehow, his presence in my life. Why should he be a comfort to me? I suppose his life relieved me of some of the same guilt he put upon me, but now that I allowed him to die, I have no escape from it but to try and bring him back to mind by running to the past and exploring his own mind.

I have an unhealthy (but natural?) concern for what he thinks of me. He was, for a long time, the only parent I had. Such a role model.. *sigh* though I hope in most ways I only tried to emulate his good qualities. Still I fear I may have followed the negative aspect too. He inspired so much anger in me at times, more than any other person. And he was such an angry person himself. I am glad I have learned to remove myself from that. Defending someone else doesn't have to be done in anger. Anger is useless... it distorts thinking, it causes more harm than good, always. Better to approach any problem or punishment with a clear head, a calm heart. That's why I felt rather encouraged by the fact that it was nearly effortless for me to not get angry at Jashen the other day. Though a cold feeling lingers in my chest when I think about him hurting Adriel.  A cold, tight feeling which is somehow familiar.

I am trying to find closure. Not thinking of my father didn't actually help... it made me feel like I was running away. So now I am taking the opposite approach. Isn't that so very Seph-like of me. When something doesn't work, try the complete opposite next! So I am diving into his essence, bathing in who he was and what he thought, and even if it does make me feel horrible sometimes, at least I don't feel like a coward.

Spiraling... specks in my vision... I must be really tired...

Still I am troubled by what Adriel said. Is what I'm learning really worth what I'm giving up lately? I do need to pay more attention, be more emotionally involved in others' lives. But I guess that doesn't mean stopping reading altogether. Take a step back and breathe, self, tell me what you see. I can walk the middle line and touch both walls at once. I can think of my father, but perhaps this is going to excess, if it is making me lose sight of all else.

What narrow sight I have at times... tunnel vision... ah now there's an emotional response. I can be such a fool.

I have been writing down questions about what Vin has said about me, the things which make me most uncomfortable as I read them. Perhaps in reviewing them I can find out why they stand out to me. Is it because I know, deep down, that I am guilty of those things? This is probably one of the biggest reasons I keep reading. I don't want to be blind to my own faults.

Confidence is overrated... though I honestly do miss it. Often. And intensely.

This is enough for tonight.

Seph is one.

Tending to sick people is oddly draining even though all I really do is bring them stuff and ask them how they are. Maybe I'm too sensitive. Hrm.

I want to have fun and be myself. I can't manage to be myself for more than a few minutes at a time, it seems. Grr. By being myself I mean being in that state where I feel most happy with being who I am. I'm still not happy with who I am ... at all.. and I guess that must mean I'm not truly happy with my life either. It figures... *le sigh*

I get flickers of it, of course. It's not as if I'm being someone else. But I guess what I'm looking for is a feeling of self-assuredness where I'm not doubting myself so much or wondering if I'm really helping the situation. I miss that. As much as I like hanging out with Lycias... what I feel from him isn't so much that freedom and confidence as it is comfort. He comforts me, and so in a way I do feel less doubtful of myself... but even he can't seem to bring out that specific energy I'm looking for... at least not consistently

Ah, what am I saying. I'm incoherent... I don't know why I'm writing about this. It's just empty smoke anyway.

Of a brain full of sleepy static.

I want to talk to my father.

It's a little strange, but yes. Just now, drifting, laying here... I want to talk to him. He wasn't a jerk 100% of the time, really. There were times when he was even wise and perhaps... kind.

How odd that I miss him. I grasp so readily at dangling strings, even if they are feet beyond my reach. I wanted so badly for him to give a care about who I was. What I thought.

I remember one night I was out on the fire escape... not smoking... but I just wanted to get out of the apartment. It was too tense in there. It was near the beginning of when we had K and he was recovering... and Vin was all stressed out, and it was taking so long for it all to heal I guess... and there was just that feeling in the air of pain and tension. And Vin came out after a while and joined me, said he thought K might finally be asleep, looked absolutely relieved. It was nice to see him get some relief from what must have been a very painful time. Vin was mumbling something about how he wasn't cut out for this, couldn't take care of himself, much less some tortured child who wouldn't even talk to anyone and was at risk for infection... he was really discouraged. I just kind of stood there leaning on the rail and staring down at the street. He said maybe K would do better somewhere with other kids or a mom or something... not some grumpy old police officer and his half-witted obnoxious son. I didn't say anything, just kind of let him ramble. Finally he turned to me and said "Well? Are you going to say anything?" and I shrugged and said "I speak when spoken to, right? " 

So then he asked me what I thought he should do, what would be best for K. I said if he grew up with an abusive mother maybe it was better he was in a situation where women weren't the ones trying to lead him. But you know, secretly, I think I was being selfish. Part of me saw K as a hope for myself, because I reasoned that if Vin was so bent on saving this kid who was born from the same mother I was, then maybe I could wedge myself into that little circle as well. If he wasn't around, things would go back to normal. Isn't that vile of me though? Here is this kid, my little brother, suffering, and maybe he would have done better somewhere else. Our home wasn't exactly a home at all... or a positive environment half the time. And I wanted to keep him there. I didn't really see it at the time I suppose, why I said what I did, but it started a discussion and for a while Vin and I talked as if he didn't hate my guts. He actually talked to me like an equal. That just fueled my hopes I think.

The more I remember, the worse I feel about K. I mean, the more guilty I feel. I never really got it right. I'm unearthing so many little regrets, and even if a lot of these things were just thoughts or feelings I had about him without actually voicing or acting on them in any way, they're still awful to remember. Added up it makes me feel almost like I deserved Vin's ridicule. I had my phases of trying hard to be a good brother to him, but somehow they always turned out badly. And as with a lot of other things, it turns out that I was a pretty selfish person after all.

I've started reading little bits and pieces of his journal. I see so much of myself in him sometimes that it scares me. My traits, but overblown, larger, more intense. Or do I just think they are worse than my own, when really they're exactly the same and I'm just blind to the weight of my own faults? It really is a miracle that I haven't turned out worse. Having Vin for a father would have been enough... add in the unknown element of Mysia and there should have been a 99% chance of me becoming absolutely insane by adolescence. 

It's crazy how often my thoughts turn toward K. I guess I just don't notice it... since it happens so often, it's like background noise. Though living with him again might have something to do with that.

It's better that we part ways I suppose. If I haven't been able to make amends all this time then there's no point in prolonging or hesitating. I've had my chances and blown them... and he probably doesn't care anyway.

I'm so glad to have my kitty back. Casper's finally started sleeping on my bed again. He's curled up in my arms now, purring and warm. Agh, I forgot how absolutely wonderful it is to bury one's face in a purring cat! He's such a sweet cat... I love him so. I will be quite devastated if anything ever happens to him. He may be a cat, and thus prone to ignore me sometimes... but it seems like, pretty often when I'm feeling empty in the quiet of my own room, he ends up leaping up and nosing my face with his whiskers, and it makes it so much easier to fall asleep at peace, or some semblance of peace anyway. *melty melt*

Here he goes rubbing his face against my chest and purring like mad. I think he must be trying to distract me from whatever's taking my attentions away from him. In this case, that's a great thing, since I ended up being pretty gloomy in this journal entry. Cats are great. Casper is the best cat in the world (I can say that because Nina, his equal, is not in this world xP)

*melts into happy puddle with kitty in arms* I can sleep well now...

I guess I haven't written in a while. That's okay. No news is usually better than too much. I'll try not to dump too much detail at once.

The past month and more has basically been one big blur of trying to get my life back to normal. Whatever that is. I guess I don't really know what normal is. But whatever it is, it's not what happened after Vin died. Things got kind of foggy for me and I was so tired all the time, it was frustrating. I'm feeling a little better now, but ... still have some days where I get tired quickly again. 

For most of the first few weeks I wandered around doing chores and finally took some walks because I couldn't concentrate on Talmon's schooling. I could barely even handle Tiras asking me for tips on English every once in a while. It's pretty pathetic, isn't it? I feel like Vin's given me a whack to the brain all over again and I'm still scrambled up because of it.

Somewhere along the line I emailed Elie in one of my better moods and that helped keep me at a good high for about a week... around that time, Talmon, who had been sleeping in his own room since Vin died... decided he wanted to go to school. I had a lot of mixed feelings about that and at one point was more depressed than ever because the way I was analyzing myself was none too flattering. Something along the lines of feeling dependent on a child's dependence and how despicable that is. But I'm feeling much better now and my brain's a little clearer every week.

I've had a few good respite days. The first was the day after the funeral, which I spent with Talmon, Adriel, and Rakem. It was good for me to be in Adriel and Rakem's presence, and good for Talmon, too, I think. When those two are together they just really ... warm my heart. Rakem is such a sweet little thing, and Adriel is so protective of him even though he's such a sweet little thing himself xD

Then later I had a little meltdown of sorts, which I hesitate to elaborate on. But I'll be honest and say that I didn't actually "almost" lose it all over Merv. I kind of did lose it. But in a way it was her own fault because she called me in to talk to me, said she was concerned about how I'd been lately, and of course that's all well and good but in that sort of mood I felt threatened by her probing and after a while of it I got upset. It was a number of things I yelled about, and... well.. cried about. Of course the first was Vin. I had a lot to say about him after all, but not at his funeral. I guess I saved it until I had an appropriate audience. *sigh* But once I was done dragging his memory over the coals, I went on a bit of a tirade about everything else that's happening, about people leaving and my being left behind and about regrets and purpose and accusations of mental instability which were certainly not being helped by my raving about how I wish people wouldn't think I'm some immature braindead freak... all in all I felt pretty satisfied when I was done, but that faded into shame, and then into a bit of resentment because once I thought about it a little I realized that Merv almost certainly was trying to get me to blow up like that, and when I questioned her about it, she said sometimes a little fit of temper can do someone good as long as it's handled correctly.

I felt a bit manipulated and I didn't really like it, but it inspired me to get out of the house the next day, which proved to be useful. Lycias is as good a friend as ever... sometimes, I feel like he's the only one I really have because he's the only one I really feel comfortable telling -everything- to. He has no past connections to me, no ways in which I've hurt him in the past and so there's nothing painful to him specifically that I can bring up in our conversations. I can be completely open with him and that's something very... satisfying. I only fear that someday that may change... though it may not have a chance to since we don't actually get together that often.

I had one other outing with him more recently and that proved just as refreshing and comforting. In between them was Scotch's birthday, another excuse to get out of the house, and that was good too. Bittersweet at least. He's such a good young man and he's so happy even though life is so stressful sometimes, for him. He obviously loves his wife and daughter and they obviously love him back. It's as picture-perfect as life can be I suppose. I envy him a little... but I certainly don't resent him for it. I like Scotch and it always makes me feel a little better to know that someone got their fair share of life's joys. He certainly deserves all of them.

Micah left recently, to start his new life overseas. Merv went with him the first day to get him established and make sure he wasn't living in a pigsty or something unacceptable like that. Adriel's been a bit down about it. I wasn't aware they were still close, but I guess Adriel and Micah had worked out a system of talking early in the morning or late at night depending on Micah's schedule at the hospital, and it was important to Adriel to reaffirm their friendship before Micah left. The week before, Micah was off work so he and Adriel spent nearly all their time together, including time spent doing things with Rakem. One of the highlights of those few days was watching Micah (who I've barely seen in the last several months) play with Rakem... who instantly trusted him once he saw that Micah was Adriel's friend. He's actually become a very trusting boy, almost too trusting. He trusts everyone in the house, which might not be wise since I don't know the mental states of all of them. I've asked Tiras and he says a few of the former L2s are still unstable, especially Jashen and Onias.

But as I was saying... I haven't often gotten to see Micah interact with children closely, but he seemed pretty taken with Rakem. Said he reminded him so much of how sweet Adriel was when he was that age, though he says Adriel wasn't nearly as rambunctious most of the time and it always took a little nudging to get him to loosen up. I guess I can believe that xD Adriel always blushes when Micah mentions how fond he is and of how they were when Adriel was a kid... it's adorable.

Micah and Adriel parted (Adriel rather tearfully) early in the morning... Micah was obviously having trouble with his own decision though and trying hard not to show it. He said Adriel could come visit him once he'd gotten his establishment up and functional, had a couple of parthies to rehabilitate, that sort of thing. He was putting on a good show of confidence and smiled a lot more than he frowned. Adriel tried to respond in kind but he's never been exactly good at hiding his feelings while I've known him. *sigh* I love him... he really inspires me somehow. After Micah left he turned to come upstairs and gave me this really cute attempt at a brave smile... and I just had to hug him. He didn't end up actually crying till later. *fond fond*

Till then he's been a little subdued, but he's talked with me more, and that's helped both of us I think. Adriel's really... a well-adjusted parthy when you think about it. For him to be able to live through his mother's death, his best friend's sudden arrest, having to live on his own for 20 years and being physically and verbally assaulted on numerous occasions during that time... then having to let go of that friend again... he's completely uncorrupted by all that and even if he's a little heartbroken at the separation, he deals with it. I wish I were as strong.

So... I've been spending time with Adriel, with Talmon of course, though he doesn't tail me quite as constantly as before... and occasionally with Tiras when I can resist the tempation of just speaking Thirasian to him since it's more convenient that way than listening to his accent which is really ... pretty funny. Sorry, Tiras. I feel kind of bad saying it but even though he's made remarkable strides in learning the language and can carry on a simple conversation pretty easily now... he'd still stick out like a sore thumb on Earth because nobody has that much of an accent unless they've lived under a rock their whole life. And his grammar still needs some work. He works at it, though. He works at it hard. I'm frankly blown away by how much he's learned and how hard he's worked. At this rate he'll be ready pretty soon... ready enough, at least, to get by without a translator.

I guess I'm not one to talk though. Merv says I still sound strange when I speak Thirasian, and Adriel reluctantly agreed when I asked him. But she says my grammar is good at least.

But anyway, it's a little annoying to not be able to speak more complexly to him so if I want to have a serious conversation I have to speak english to him for quite a while first. It's the unspoken rule.

Tiras... I'm really going to miss him. He's such a helpful person... reliable too. For all my distrust of him at first, I'd now put him in the very short list of individuals I'd trust with my life or even the life of my loved ones. He did all he could to help Talmon while protecting me, and I'll never forget that. He's done all he can to help K in ways I can't, and I won't forget that either. Somehow, for being an ex-murderer... he's one of the most likable people I've ever met o.0 I'm not sure I quite understand why, but I always enjoy talking to him. He's got a surprising depth of perception and sensitivity about certain subjects and we get along really well. He knows what to joke about and what to not joke about when he talks to me. Most of the time. The only problem is that I'm afraid I might end up killing him one of these days by talking too much.

I say this because whenever he wants to talk to me about really serious issues he says he'd never talk to anyone about (anyone on this planet anyway), he ends up being a little down the day after, and often these discussions are very emotional for him. He's extremely concerned about what will happen after death, especially when it comes to himself and K and whether they will be separated. But he's also concerned with himself individually as well. He's asked me a lot of questions. Whenever the subject is brought up in the smallest way he seems to inevitably ask me questions even if he looks like he's not enjoying asking the questions at all. It's like he's compelled against his will to ask. Well, I had a private little service last sunday with me and Adriel and Talmon... and Tiras walked in halfway through, apologized, and I invited him to stay for the rest of it. And he did, but he sat in the background the whole time looking worriedly at the floor.

Afterward, he waited for ages to get me alone, looking restless and agitated the whole time, and finally I had to come up with some excuse for Adriel and Talmon to leave... and I asked him what was up. He then started in with the questions again, some especially regarding if there was any way to really know where you stood. Basically he was asking me if there was some sort of way to be sure that someone was going to be forgiven. There was a long discussion and he seems stuck on the fact that he's done too much to even be able to think of asking for forgiveness. He says sometimes he really wants to pray for K, just in case someone's listening, and it's someone more on K's side... but he says he's afraid of trying, that whenever he even thinks of trying he feels almost sick at himself and how "worthless" he is apparently. He expressed this sort of thing from many different angles. In essence I guess he's afraid of approaching God because of his own shame and beyond that, afraid that even if he could manage to pray for K, God wouldn't listen because of who was doing the praying, or worse, that God would be offended somehow. I try to reassure him, over and over, that that's just not how God works, but nothing seems to really reassure him. And then he ends up getting frustrated and saying "well who knows if there's even really a God anyway?" and starts getting prodded by even more questions about why so many bad things have happened to K when he's done nothing to deserve it. And then he gets angry, and when I talk him out of anger, he's just sad and ashamed and a little depressed and he says thank you and goodnight and I'll think about it, and walks away.

I wish there was something I could do for him... at least most of the time he doesn't seem to be tormented by these questions on a surface level, but every once in a while he'll take a break from his emotional control and start asking again.

On a completely unrelated note, Talmon's first day of school was today. He was trembling a little with nervousness this morning. Firmly denied that he was, of course, and got a little peeved at me when I was apparently speaking too gently to him. I let him go at the door since I wouldn't want to embarrass him by walking him to school or anything. I would say I was more of a wreck during the day than he could have been, except that when he got home he was extremely tense for the first fifteen minutes. I was kind of worried. But then he relaxed, just seemed relieved to be home and ate plenty, which is always a good sign. After that initial shock, he was almost talkative when I asked him how his day went. He described a lot about the school itself, but it took a lot of prying to tell me more of what I really wanted to know, which was how he had done at in-class assignments and how his peers had received him. He says it all went fine and I think I believe him about that... except there was something suspicious in his face when I asked him what the teachers thought of him. But then he said that he's just a student and so why would they treat him any different than any other student... and I agreed that they shouldn't.

I hope tomorrow goes as well or better...

*sigh* life goes on. I'm trying not to think too hard about the future, since there's nothing I can do to prepare for or prevent it.

I went to Vin's funeral this morning. It was a very simple service. Julia insisted he be buried in Italy, and she made the journey there by train. It was just me, her, Sonia, Merv, and a few people she'd hired, including a human pastor I guess she knows.

Julie cried a lot. I ended up holding Sonia most of the time. She cried a little too, but of course... it was probably just because she heard her mom crying, or she was tired or something.

Julie had a lot to say about Vin, too. She talked about how they'd met, how he danced with her to cheer her up sometimes, what a romantic he'd been and how good a man he was to her, how she loved his smile when he showed it and his laugh and that he was the only man who she felt had truly loved her. She said a lot of things and I can't remember all of them. It was a warm day, almost hazy bright and my head hurt, my throat too. I didn't cry though except for a little bit near the end. Mostly I just felt numb and dizzy.

I didn't say probably more than five sentences the whole time I was there. I didn't really take in my surroundings, and I barely felt it when Julie hugged me goodbye. I feel like I'm in a weird bubble. And my head still hurts. I'm stuffed full of feelings that I don't understand. It feels like I'm infected.

I'm a little worried. I need to snap out of this soon, before I'm totally useless. I don't want to make anyone else worry either.

It's just buzzing and creeping through me from my head. My confused thoughts are all the way to my fingertips. I really hate being so emotional. I don't know anything about myself anymore. Do I miss him? I don't know what I'm feeling.

Even though I knew this was coming... it's still kind of a shock.

My father, Donavin, committed suicide at 8:47 PM, tonight. It was quick and painless. Merv gave him the option a couple of days ago... but I had my hopes that he wouldn't take it. He seemed in a good mood when I visited him last. But now he's dead. I was told less than a half hour ago.

I feel strange. I don't feel like describing it though. All I'll say is that it burns, hot and cold. And when it doesn't burn, I'm numb.

I don't think I want to spend tonight here. I'm going to go spend the night at Maze and Hale's in Vin's old bedroom. I guess that seems kind of strange... but... being in a house full of people who don't even know what his death means... it's suffocating me. I want a piece of my old life back. I don't want to just slip back into life as usual before midnight has even passed. I couldn't even if I wanted to. Physically, yes. Mentally and emotionally, no.

Merv's going to have him buried on earth. She wants to let Julie have some say in how it all goes. I think that's very decent of her. I just hope this doesn't hurt Julia too badly. Part of me wonders if we should even tell her at all, but it would be wrong not to let her see him before he's buried. Vin has let her down so badly. She still had hope for him, but he blew that too. And now I'm starting to cry... *sigh*

I feel let down, too. But somehow I knew it would end up this way. I knew he'd choose this. He'd already given up and I could tell.

I don't have much else to say. I guess I'm still in slight shock. Why should I be shocked if it's not that much of a surprise? I guess just the thought of him really... really being dead... ... ... it's shocking no matter how much I tried to fathom it before.

I can't get enough breath in my lungs. I hope Talmon doesn't mind sleeping alone too much... he can crawl in with Adriel if he gets too anxious.. I just have got to get out of this house.

I feel RESTLESS lately... like I have way too much energy. But doing things I usually want to do is not helping much. I even did some sword forms yesterday but an hour later I was fidgeting again. Maddening.

Talmon update: No, he's not calling me dad on a regular basis... but his anxiety levels seem lower in general. Was he really that scared of my reaction? Or maybe he's just nervous about getting attached to someone.

Part of me feels like I'm going with K and Tiras. As much as I remind myself that I'm staying here... I constantly feel as if there's something I should be doing to prepare for their departure. I guess it's just my mind's way of telling itself "things will be different after this". They really will be. Of all the people who were in my life before I came to this planet, the only one who will be left in contact with me is my father. And he might not even be around for very long. Merv's considering the idea of just letting him kill himself with a lethal injection or something less messy than broken glass. I don't know what to say to anyone about him anymore. I bet K doesn't even care, and no one else on this planet certainly does.

What would it be like to know that no one would be sad if you died? I feel like everyone deserves at least one person to cry over their passing, if only because the life before it was a waste. But to know that you wouldn't even be missed? I can't imagine. At least Julie will miss him. But she's not here anymore... so I guess I still feel like, somehow, I would end up mourning pretty heavily if he died. I don't know... maybe I'm just crazy. But if he died right now, I would probably be the only one at whatever sort of burial service he might have, besides the necessary gravediggers and whatever else there is (I've never actually been to a funeral). No one would have anything to say. Not even me. I wouldn't know what to say.

What do I say about the person who called me every nasty name in the dictionary, beat me up, and otherwise just tried his very best to drive me from his life? The person who gave me such sound advice at some times, but at other times only ever tried to make me miserable? The person who I wanted most to get close to, besides Elie and K? The person who wished I never existed, even though I'm one of the only people left in the universe who cares that he still does?

I don't know....

So I guess that's still bothering me. I guess I would feel like... if he died... that finally everyone I used to know and tried to keep in my life had moved on and left me behind to cope with their decisions. Because I'm the guy who just can't move on.

I'm just bothered by this whole thing. The whole thing of everybody moving on without me. At least before, we were all connected somehow. I guess the whole Mysia thing moved us through life together, brought us here to this place. A lot of things kept us linked. As a group, we moved from point A to point B. But now I feel like, at point B, this bubble of people I've had around me for the last few years has subconsciously disassociated me from them. I'm being singled out. Or I singled myself out somehow. And so the group moves on to point C. Or back to point A, whichever you want to see it as being. I'm the hiker left behind at the fork in the trail while the rest of my group goes on ahead.

I have new people in my life, I know, and that's great. Essentially I guess that's why I'm getting left behind. I've made new connections. But K made new connections too. I guess the difference with him is that he never had any connections to begin with. For him it's probably no decision at all, no contest. He somehow always manages to get what he wants in the end. I guess it's our way of trying to make up for what life's done to him. How unmerciful it's been. I don't blame him for not caring about anyone else. Part of me envies him that he can so easily just pick up and move on to the next part of his life without losing anything he considers to be important.

I'm being dropped off on an island... because I made friends with the natives, and no one else did except for K, and his friend can go with him so it doesn't matter. One of these days I'll be standing on the beach watching the boat that brought me here sail off into the sun, maybe never to be seen again.

I guess part of me thinks it would be better just not to visit at all, because it would remind me of things and make me want to stay and then I'd be torn. I guess part of me just wants to forget about everything, even though I know that's probably unlikely to happen and the rest of me would never allow it or like it anyway. I don't know where I belong, but since some people here would actually miss me if they never saw me again, this is where I'm staying. And it's the only place I have a chance at making any difference anywhere.

Mm... I didn't mean to be so whiny. But hey, that's what journals are for, right? I guess I have a lot of suppressed frustration right now... confusion and such.

I'm going to miss K....

Go on and call me a liar or a hypocrite or a dork or whatever other name you can think of that seems fitting.

I know, I know. I didn't see him for over half a year while he was in Ophel and never said a word about it during that time. I never played a big role in his life and I never managed to connect with him as a brother, even though I wanted to. I never meant anything to him, so why should he mean anything to me? 

Honestly, I don't know. But I guess that's just how I operate. I feel like I'm losing something important, with him leaving. Maybe I'm just like Vin... maybe I wanted him to be my chance to help someone, and if he leaves it's like losing that chance even though I never did much with it. I admit, that might be part of the reason. I don't know for sure. But I just know that I feel like I'm losing something, someone important....

I really wanted to be a good brother to him. I never was. Ugh.. *getting emotional*

I feel like there's so much I want to say to him, but if I were ever given a chance, I'd probably wonder what I was thinking, and see that what I have to say is unimportant. And if I said it, he'd probably just go "okayyy...." and give me that look like he's wondering why I just wasted his time with something like that. 

I just don't know how to connect with him. I kind of feel like maybe I can't do it because he doesn't want me to. He can probably tell that it'd be more trouble than it's worth to care about someone so emotional and overdramatic as I am. *sigh*

Really that's what I'd be asking him if I tried to connect with him, because a bond of any sort requires concern from both people on behalf of the other... and I'm sure that's something he is careful not to give 99.99999% of all people in his life. Tiras, my hat's off to you.

K thinks I'm weird... ... sometimes I feel like I'm the younger brother *rolls eyes at self and sighs* how often do you encounter an older sibling who wishes so desperately that their younger sibling would talk to them? It's kind of pathetic.

I'm trying to let go of it all. I really am. I know I need to just step back and let him live his life, like he's always wanted everyone to do, it seems. And physically, outwardly, I'm doing that, and have been doing it for a long time. But emotionally... I guess inwardly I play out everything and feel it as if I'm still responsible for him. I always feel like there was something I could have done, something I was supposed to do in this or that situation, because I'm his brother, but then I didn't do it because I didn't know what would happen or what he would think and then I feel guilty or even hurt because it's like I can't be trusted. But I know that's silly because K doesn't trust anyone. It's a stupid cycle of thought and I need to get out of it eventually.

I guess that means this is a good thing because I'll be forced to stop fooling myself into thinking I'm his brother. I never really was a brother in his eyes. Maybe I was by whatever his definition of a brother was, growing up, but that's not the definition of brother I was aiming for.

blahblahblahblahblah. Shut up and go to sleep.

Vin and K. Father and half-brother. Neither one of them have really acted like family toward me, and vice versa, for a long time. But somehow they're still the two people I'm thinking most about right now, and the two people I can't let go of. Maybe blood is thicker than water after all.

So I visited him in prison today. Not that anyone but me really cares, but I suppose at this point I'm writing this so that I can remember things, not so that others can read it.

The short version is that Merv said he'd been asking to see me, she didn't like it, but said it was still my choice whether or not to go. Talmon didn't like it either and nearly had a full-scale panic attack before I left but he seemed to be on the way out of it by the time Merv took me to the prison. Vin looked awful, and was weak and dehydrated and extremely emotional, and said some things I've never heard him say before. And now I'm left wondering what to think and feel, as usual after we meet in such a ... space of deep feelings.

First of all, Vin was weak and dehydrated because he'd been refusing water and food for several days in an effort to die "without fuss" as he calls it. I was pretty upset about that, but I didn't find out about it until after talking to him for a long time. The first thing he did when I walked into the cell was say "I'm sorry". I never know what to expect when I talk to him... if he'll be hot-tempered and violent, or coldly hateful, or pretending to be reasonable and unfeeling, or else seeming like a normal, if emotional, person.. heartfelt.

It seems to be the last, this time. Well, I'm not sure about the "normal" part, but normal is a relative word anyway.

I was of course... extremely wary at first. Even though I knew he couldn't hurt me physically... I wasn't about to open myself up for emotional attack if I could help it. He asked me to come sit in front of him because it hurt to sit up. So I knelt in front of his cot and asked him what he wanted to talk to me about. He asked me how Julia and the baby were. I told him they were alright... that Julie missed him and that she'd named the child Sonia Dawn. He was basically crying quietly the whole time I was there, or at least seemed to be, since his eyes were constantly damp. It was a little dark so I couldn't tell very well. He asked me how Talmon was, and I told him he was fine. He asked how K and Tiras were, and I said they were planning to go back to earth. I told him very bluntly the truth to every question. It felt strange, being so frank with him, and so straightforward. I felt rather numb, actually.

After he'd asked me details about how and why K was going back... and I answered as best I could... he seemed even sadder than before. He asked me if K hates him now. I said I didn't know. He kind of mumbled "of course you don't know..." but oddly, it didn't seem hateful. Maybe I'm just imagining that wishfully though.

Then he asked what the verdict was, if any had been reached on his punishment. I told him that Merv was considering some sort of confinement, perhaps with rehabilitation... or else execution. He kind of took a deep breath and sighed, paused for a minute. Then he told me that he had been thinking of dying the whole time he'd been there, but something was holding him back. And he asked me what I thought it was. I said, of course, that I thought it was because he was afraid he wouldn't see Julia and his daughter again. He said no. He looked sad, but he said no. And he said that half the reason he wanted to die and most of the reason he couldn't was because of how terrifying the thought of dying with so much hatred was to him and how painful it was to live with it when he couldn't let go. He started rambling about how he hated my mother so much because he'd loved her, and now he loved hating her and that parody of love was more addicting than alcohol and three times as deadly. His words were pretty disjointed at this point but I understood the philosophical point he was trying to make. It was a downard spiral, a vicious cycle, I guess. He said that the thing he hated Mysia for most was that she had introduced him to the concept of really truly hating someone, and that was how she had really ruined his life and he knew that now, and the reason he hated her was because he hated her for the pain that hating her caused him. It all got pretty confusing since he seemed slightly delirious at the time, but I understood him. I think I did. I understood the regret in his voice at least. Maybe this is why I've always felt sorry for him. Maybe part of me knew that what he inflicted on me ended up causing less pain to me than what he was inflicting on himself caused to him. In other words... he was always hurting himself more than me.

His brokenness was making me emotional in the first place... but then after a silence I told him that I'd been worried about him, about what would happen if he died in his current state... what would happen to his soul. And he said that no hell in the afterlife could be any worse than living with that sort of demon inside you and knowing it was your own choice, but it was an eternity of hating someone that he was terrified of. And here is when he really started crying, but he was so weak that it wasn't very loud. I didn't know what to say, so I sat there for a few moments, awkwardly... and then I hesitantly decided to rest my hand on his and he grabbed it. His hands were very clammy and his grip was basically nonexistent, which is something considering he's nearly crushed my hand before on certain occasions.

I finally broke the pause once his crying had subsided a little and asked him why he didn't try harder not to hate me. I'm sure my tone must have been a little hurt and maybe accusing... I'm not going to pretend I had perfect composure while I was talking to him, or was perfectly understanding. He didn't say why. He said he had no excuse and that he was sorry but that it didn't matter now and he fully accepted the fact that he deserved to be executed so no one else would have to suffer his madness. But, he said... he could face it peacefully now. And I asked how come. I was very emotional by this time... confused even though I understood his explanations... and feeling the hurt all over again but still fearful of the loss.

He said he felt empty now, after facing so many days with nothing to look at but his own hatred and guilt. He said he felt absolutely empty and that he didn't hate me anymore. And that's when I really lost it. I don't know why. I said "really?" , I guess because partially, I didn't believe him. I said maybe he was just emotionally numb because his body was in such a bad state, or because he'd been emotionally overwhelmed for so long. Maybe he hadn't actually let go but just thought he had because of the conditions he was in. I realize now that maybe I should have just let him have his peace and not questioned it. But I don't know, I had a sort of outburst, an almost angry explosion of questions about why he felt this way after all these years and why now, and what else was he feeling? Did he feel anything at all? 

At first he said no, but then he corrected himself. He said that he felt sad, because of his wasted life, and because he wouldn't see Julie and Sonia, and they would have to live alone if Julie didn't find another husband. But that the pain of that was nothing compared to hating someone. And I feel really ashamed of myself for this, but I demanded, like a child, "what about me?".

What about me? Did he feel any guilt for what he'd done? Did he care about me at all? Did he actually care one speck or was he just indifferent about me now, as if I didn't exist, like he'd always wanted? I got mad. I yelled and asked why. It's been a long time since I blew up at him like that. Why now, when he seemed to finally be ready to actually change? Maybe I felt like now, it would actually affect him. Maybe I was angry that it took so long for him to stop hating me, or maybe I was angry at what I was subconsciously thinking must be just another one of his lies to try and put me in a more vulnerable position. I don't know. But I was upset, and I let him know it, and then I cried for a while before Vin even said a word.

Maybe I just wanted to hit him while he was down like he'd always done to me. I'm scared that might be the reason.

When Vin finally did say something, he said that mostly what he felt guilty about was that I was the one who kept sticking up for him. I asked him what gave him the idea I had been sticking up for him at all. He said Merv had told him that I'd got upset every time she mentioned execution. He said it was obvious that I would give him a second chance because I always did. I always kept coming back for punishment ever since the first day I came to his apartment. He asked if I had read any of his journal entries about how he felt about me. I said no. He asked why, and I said because I didn't need to know what he thought, I already knew well enough. And he seemed desperate. He said no, I needed to know how he was. And I said I didn't want to be his judge and that asking me to be was up there with calling me an immoral manipulating deceiving (etc etc etc) piece of you-know-what. I haven't stood up for myself that strongly in a long time and it felt a little uncharacteristic, but I could hardly help myself. I guess I felt like... since I didn't know if he was going to die or not, I wanted to say everything I have always wanted to say. Except going in I fully intended to try and be kind to Vin in what might have been his last moments with me.

Anyway, that seemed to shut him up for a second. So I said more. I asked what he thought he was doing, asking me to read what's bound to be volumes and volumes of his rants about how worthless I am, and did he think it was funny that I might have taken it as a serious, heartfelt request instead of some sick joke, some last word, the last blow before he couldn't deliver any more? That I would have subjected myself to hours of reading his opinion of me because I thought somehow it would help to save him? I nearly lost my head and it scared me so badly that after I got a hold of myself I nearly panicked and ran out of the cell. But Vin didn't say anything... he just lay there looking miserable, silently... and finally I sat down in front of him, exhausted, and for probably the millionth time since I met him, asked him why he hated me so much. And he said because he hated her. And I said "but I'm NOT HER!!" and he said "I know."

I looked at him to try and tell if he was telling the truth or not. He seemed to be. I tried to calm down... and I asked him, so... did that mean, if he didn't hate me anymore... that he didn't hate her either? And he said yes, that's what it meant. He felt nothing for her anymore, and that is the one thing he's been wishing for the last three years or so, and now that it's come true he can die peacefully and without fear. And I got ahold of myself enough to say "that's good", but my voice was as cracky as a desert riverbed by then and it sounded pretty pathetic.

He said "yes... it is. But I'm worried about Julia."

I told him that she and Sonia might be returning to earth as well and that she could probably find friends or family to live with. He said "that's good", and sighed, and said "I'm sorry, Seph. I'm really grateful that I didn't ruin you."

I said "I thought you said you did. Don't you see so many faults in me?"

He said "not anymore. I just wanted them to be there I guess."

My response to everything is tears these days, but at least by this time I was kind of running out, and kind of numbed anyway, again, by all the emotional explosions in such a short time. I'm not used to being angry lately. It's exhausting.

We kind of sat there for a while. I couldn't really summon any coherent thoughts at this point without a lot of focus. My brain was just tired of reacting I guess.

Finally, he said, really sadly, "I don't know what I should do... if I should ask to talk to anyone else."

"What would you say to them?" I asked.

"I want to apologize to Julia, and Sonia... and K, and Tiras, and your boy... but it probably won't do any good, will it?"

"I don't know," I said, because I didn't want to think about it for him, mostly. But I really didn't know anyway.

"Do you think Julie would want to see me and say goodbye before I die?"

I sat there for a minute, then sighed, feeling oddly annoyed. "Who said you're going to die? Merv hasn't decided yet."

"I want to. I'm content at this point, and I'm afraid that this is as close as I can get to peace in this life. It's only a matter of time anyway... I haven't drank anything for five or six days, maybe more.. I lost count. My heart's probably already failing under the pressure."

I found myself utterly disgusted at him for some reason, so I was silent for a few minutes. Then, I think I sounded a lot like a very ornery teenager when I asked "Dad, do you even <i>believe</i> in an afterlife or judgement or any of that?"

He sighed. "I'd almost prefer it if there weren't. But I guess I do, if I've been so terrified of it."

"What do you think's going to happen to you."

"I dunno. The worst they can do to me is get hate to eat me again. And that's no worse than what might happen if I continue living. On the other hand.. maybe if I die now, there will be some mercy for me."

"How do you figure that?" I really look back with shame on how I was acting this whole time... my tone of voice wasn't very sympathetic at all.

"I don't know. I wouldn't really deserve it, but I've always heard that God is more merciful and just than people are, and if you're willing to give me so many second chances, I guess there's a chance he might too. But I guess there's a point at which mercy ceases to be mercy and is merely... blind compassion."

"I feel pretty blind," I said, and sighed. "I don't want you to die. I don't know why I still feel compelled to save you. Who knows, you might be happier if you died now. I guess I just can't let go of people, even if they hurt me."

That was when Vin looked at me really seriously and said "that's what got me into such trouble in the first place, Seph. I never could let go of people either. My feelings for them."

And when he said that, I realized that in ways, it is the same. The inability to let go of my feelings for people. His inability to let go of his feelings for one woman ruined his life. I have the same flaw. I went cold when I thought of that, and kind of shut down. I guess because I'm so tired of him telling me I'm wrong for how I feel about Elie. I saw it as a blow to her at first, and then I realized it was a warning. But it still paralyzed me. It scared me. Really disturbed me. There is nothing Elie has done that would cause me to hate her as Vin hates Mysia. But nevertheless I realize what he was saying. Not being able to let go of people can take control of your life until it is wasted away on something that doesn't even exist anymore. Other people can move on, but you can't, and that is a very, very dangerous thing. That's what he was telling me.

I could have punched him in the face, and that scared me even more. I got up and walked to the door.

He said "Tell Julia that I really do love her and Sonia".

I didn't say anything, I just left, and told Merv that Vin needed an IV as soon as possible.

*sigh*

Part of me feels like letting him die to prove to him that I CAN let people go. But that would only make me feel more guilty. I'd be doing it to prove something that isn't true. So if Merv will allow it, I want to keep him alive. I'm being forced to let go of everyone else, it seems. I'll allow myself this much, even if it proves to be more trouble than it's worth. I don't need to prove that I can let people go. I don't need to let people go. I just need to prove, to <i>myself</i> that I can live my life without letting my attachments turn me into something I never meant to become. That's all.

Things have been ... strange and difficult lately. Just when I thought life was heading upward so steadily, the path gets rocky and loopy again. There are a few little things which are troubling me, some more than others. I'll start with the less weighty ones first.

There's the obvious fact that I'm trying to oversee an entire household, though that has gotten much less stressful now that some people are pulling their weight. Some. I can't get all of them to do their share all of the time, but progress is being made, however slowly. Talmon's doing well in his studies and Adriel is happily spending nearly all his time with Rakem...

The biggest problem lately with the group is Jashen... Tiras is trying to take care of that as best as he can without making it known to the others... it's a frustrating situation which we may have to deal with for a while. I wish there were more we could do, but Jashen refuses to listen to us. Tiras will indeed just have to start monitering him more closely... if possible.

But these weren't really stressing me out much at all... mostly its been recent events which have stirred up a lot of emotions. The recovery of all these memories and such... it's been difficult in a way. I hate letting go... I find it extremely painful at times and I will admit my own immaturity and say that some of the changes bother me because of how they affect certain things. But there's absolutely nothing I can do about it anyway. All I can do is reserve a small space of my memory to things which once existed in the past but no longer are considered real even there. Living a life where nothing is set in stone troubles me, since I think in some ways I am naturally insecure. I'm tired of always having to guess and adapt to my surroundings and the people around me... their expectations and opinions of me... I wish things could just stay still sometimes. But I myself probably .... exacerbate that situation unintentionally as well *sigh*

And all of this has brought up things which I would have been glad to let lie. Vin's hatred of me... my own stupidity... my own guilty feelings about K finding grounds... remembering just how often in my life I've questioned myself, wondered if I really am all that people say of me, all that my own father says of me... often thinking I am but being too afraid to do more than crawl into a cold shell and curl up.

The day my little sister was born, I was glad and terrified to go comfort my father. How is it that after all this time, I still long for him to treat me like a real father would? I want a family. I don't know if I ever realized before exactly how much or why I want a family. Overseeing the parthies here and watching over Talmon is the closest I have to experiencing a normal family situation. But even though staying with Vin and K was nearly unbearable at times (mostly because of Vin), I stuck around. That may be stupid. It probably was. But those few moments when we were almost acting like a normal family would... those teased my hunger enough that I had to stay and wait, just in case one day, something would work out... and I would finally feel that I belonged there. But it never really happened. To this day the place I still felt most at home in was Elie's arms. I hesitate even to say that because I know that remembering such days is probably not something Elie enjoys me doing very often anymore... but I have to try and be honest with myself now. I miss her and I miss being with her and I don't think I'll ever stop cherishing that time in my life because despite how complicated it was, it was the closest I've ever felt to having a home. And I just plain love Elie besides.

Anyway... *sigh* so I borrowed those videos without permission... and the next day Vin called telling me to bring them back. I recognized the tone in his voice and I knew I was probably in for a good barrage of insults at least. But since he hasn't done anything to me for so long... I wanted to give him an opening just in case. But I also took my swords. It turned out as I feared... though my memory of it is a bit confused. I just remember how much my head hurt... Tiras says I was conscious enough to tell him to leave Vin alone and just take me home, but I don't really remember talking after getting hit. I passed out when we got home apparently and when I woke up, my head felt horrible and I nearly threw up because the nausea was so bad... I could have sworn at the moment that I would. It was seriously awful... I -hate- head injuries, they are sooo... ughhh.... just emotionally exhausting...... traumatizing I guess...

And the fact that it was just as bad two days later really sucked. I still have almost constant aching in my head but it's mild so I can usually ignore it... and I've only had a few dizzy spells in the past few days. It was scary though because the first few days afterward I actually had a hard time reading and writing. Just focusing on anything was so difficult, even speaking could be hard at times. And it just generally made me really emotional. Gee, I don't know, maybe it's not normal for somebody to be really bothered by their father trying to kill them....

Anyway, so recently after all this... Talmon goes missing. That was so scary for me... just the whole ordeal from start to finish. Running around all day wondering where in the world he could be and wondering what I did wrong to make him leave... yes I know, I think things are my fault way too often... I'm trying to work on that, but it's always a possibility and I always have to consider it even if it's improbable.

Honestly though, I had to fight panic most of the day because it's one thing if I know what to do and can do it... that helps me to focus on action instead of just how afraid I am... but when I have absolutely no idea what to do or how to find him... or where he could have gone... it was just... not good. I haven't been that scared in a long time. I really wonder what K was thinking of me being all frantic at the phone like that... it was pretty pathetic. I feel like I was speaking gibberish or something because my brain wasn't functioning very well.

Anyway so Vin calls to tell me to come pick Talmon up. It's an awful feeling to know that someone you care so much about is in the hands of the one person who has ever tried to kill you. I hate to think of Vin this way, but I was really afraid that he would do something to Talmon just to punish me. Because that would definitely be painful for me. And he knows that.

It's really lucky K was there. I would have been too stupid and martyr-ish and proud to ask for him to come with me so Vin wouldn't beat me up. I guess I feel I have no right to ask anything of him either. Maybe partially because I feel guilty, and partially because Vin has beat it into my head through word and action that K is not someone to ask anything of. But I am really glad he came with me.

I was disturbed at Vin that day in a way that I haven't been in years. Maybe it's just because he hasn't done anything in a long time, though. He wouldn't have really hurt K or Julie or the baby... I have to believe that. But he did hurt Talmon, even if it wasn't seriously. He frightened him and yelled at him and handled him roughly. That scared me more than anything else, personally, though I know K was shocked about Tiras being tranquilized. More than shocked.

Even if he is associated with me, how could Vin treat a child like that? 

I was so relieved to see Talmon relatively safe and sound. He is such a beautiful kid. I admit that in my relief I didn't pay as much attention to K and Tiras as I might have otherwise... but I saw enough to be admiring of their friendship as well. I really am amazed at how much K cares about Tiras. It's unexpected and awesome.

Julie and the baby came to live with us that night and things have been a little hectic trying to get them settled in and provided for... Julie is a strong woman, but I think seperating from Vin has been hard for her because she saw herself as something Vin needed very much and was determined to help him better himself. I think she sees this as sort of like giving up on him. I wonder if she feels guilty. I hope not.

I've been trying to help her with the baby a little bit since she doesn't have Vin anymore (I don't know, really, how much he helped her or not) but mostly I think she feels more emotionally lonely than lacking parental help with the baby. She doesn't look well... she tries to be peppy and witty and all like usual, but I can tell she's worried about Vin. She called him the first night but he wouldn't answer his phone. Same with the next night. She was pretty scared that something had happened to him, and I thinks he probably would have liked us to check on him, but she didn't ask. Maybe she didn't want to put us in danger again....

I'm worried too. Really worried. And hurt. I'd hoped that Vin was on the road to accepting me or at least acting civil toward me consistently... but then suddenly he considers me only worthy to be destroyed. It's a good thing he hasn't gone on one of his guilt trips on me yet... just having him hit me was enough to bring back all the other piles of accusations and things that he's thrown at me over the years. Sometimes I wish I could laugh at them because it's actually kind of funny how often he accuses me of things he's guilty of himself and I'm relatively innocent about... like being sexually obsessed. I mean... to be blunt... WTH?! I hardly even touched girls before I met Elie. Where does he get this stuff? I have to wonder now if all his spying was him just trying to dig up the tiniest bit of dirt he could use against me or something.

Even though half of it is ridiculous like that... it still affects me and I still end up questioning myself. Sad, huh? Like right now, a nagging feeling in my gut says "but you are sexually obsessive, Seph... you're a dirty-minded person masquerading as a romantic". Things like that. Constantly. *sigh* I wish I could ignore them better. Even if some of those doubts are partially true, doesn't what I do NOW matter more? And trying to improve?

Anyway, enough about that... despite all that, I am worried about him. And it's bugging me. And bringing up a lot of old stuff. And all of that was aggravated by Kaserin complaining about us bringing a strange woman into the household. I feel bad for yelling at him about that. I got kind of frustrated trying to explain to him while he was going "but she's going to try and get one of us once the baby's older, I know it!" and that sort of nonsense. That poor guy is really paranoid about women *sigh*

I feel bad about that, though... and Elym totally blew up at me in turn. I wish I'd had more room to appreciate how cute his protectiveness is, but as it was I was trying to calm him down before he stomped out of the kitchen. Now he won't even look at me except to glare. Kaserin's long forgiven me but... I guess that's just how it goes.

Anyway then Talmon had to ask me about where babies come from and that threw me into a whole new realm of uncertainty... I thought for a long time how to approach it and finally decided that I'll make it a gradual study over the next few days about males, females, and parthies and the differences between them and how they effect each other and stuff. Hopefully if he has a better understanding of things, the concept won't be QUITE as terribly shocking as it would be. I'm sure it'll still make him go "eww" though.  *sigh* I want to approach it from an angle he can understand but still help him not to be disturbed by it if at all possible. It may not be, but it's worth a try at least. Even if he's not comfortable with the idea of doing it himself, it'd be good if he understood why it's a beautiful thing for some people. Yeah, I'm going to try and stand by that, even though I've never actually done it. Lion demands it, and since I have such little contact with the Lion lately (I'm starting to really miss that piece of myself ... sometimes...) I figure the least I can do is give it a shot.

Well I gave him a brief overview of pregnancy (the parthy version) today, just to give him a background on how HE came to be at least... and yeah. He was kind of overwhelmed by that concept so I think it'll be good to take it slow.

Near the end of the "lesson" I got a phone call from Maze saying that Vin had come by with a box of stuff that he said he was leaving for me to pick up. I was kind of wary so I asked Hale to confirm that Vin wasn't anywhere near the house before I went over there and picked it up. Maze said Vin looked pretty terrible when he came over, though he couldn't say for sure if Vin had been drinking or not. Just said his eyes looked red (ha ha...)

Anyway I had no idea what this box was full of since Vin had demanded/pleaded for Maze and Hale not to touch it or anything... all I could tell on the way home was that it was -really- heavy and kind of big. Tiras helped me carry it to my room, but when we noticed that there was a letter taped to the top tagged for only me to read, he left me alone with it. I'm glad he did because otherwise I would have embarrassed myself. The letter made me... kind of emotional....

Here's what it said:

To Seph

I won't say "Dear Seph". I know you are under no illusion about how I think of you. Truly it would be ridiculous for me to believe that you think  I have ever treated you right, or loved you, or that you love me in any way. I would be lying. I know I have lied to you often, so that is nothing new, but I will try hard not to lie in this letter.
I am abusive. I am a hypocrite. I have massive emotional problems. You know all this. I'm not making excuses. I'm confessing. I'm cruel to you, unfair, and violent. I've blamed you for things which were never your fault, accused you of things you've never been guilty of, invaded your privacy while threatening death for invading mine, insulted, humiliated, and degraded you, hit you, beaten you, lied to you, ignored you, and generally just made your life hell. I've blamed you for my own faults, and rubbed my favoritism for K in your face multiple times, then condemned you for your frustration. And these are just the things I've done to you.
Well, I won't say "just", since technically my worst sins have been in doing harm to you in some way. The rest may be less serious in the end, but you'll find out about those too.
I think I may be insane. Mentally unstable at the very least. I know what I've done to you is wrong. I know that rationally... you have done very little yourself which should earn my hatred. I know this and I actually think about it often; it nags in the back of my mind. But my hatred for you overrides that sense of reason. It's something I have never learned to control. It exists parallel to my sense of justice and yet is entirely separate. I don't know how to explain it here. I suppose that as I've nursed my hunger for revenge against your mother all these years... it became an entity unto itself within me. I gave my choices over unto it and now I can't get those choices back. I've been content to let it run my life as far as you're concerned, up till this point, but now I'm realizing (too late) that it's preventing me from living with anyone else either. I thought I could hate you and safely have a family seperate from you. I was wrong. I was stupid to think that. No one can coexist safely with someone whose emotions are ruled by a series of switches which ignite a reckless need to destroy another person's spirit and life.
I am completely irrational when I'm overtaken by my hatred for you. I know this. I say things which I believe at the same time that I know they are wrong. 
I'm not trying to ask for pity or anything, or say that it's not my fault that I treat you the way I do because I'm just crazy and that's the way I am. I know I could have changed the way I treated you back then if I'd really wanted to. But I hadn't wanted to. I wanted someone to take my frustration out on, and you were perfect for that, and I didn't want to let go of that crutch and learn how to stand up straight again on my own, without finding purpose in loathing alone. Now I think maybe it's too late to fix all I've destroyed, though. I'm too far gone in my own madness and even if I was starting to remember what it's like to really care about someone and base your life on that instead of anger... I still could never let go of how I felt about you. I still ... am not sure I can.
Why did I treat K so much better? Why didn't I hate him too? Why am I so scared of people prying into my private things? I don't know if you will find the answers to all these in this package, but maybe it will help you to form some theories, at least. I hardly understand myself anymore.
I don't know enough to decide for myself what to do. My judgement has been impaired for so long that I have no idea what's best, and if I did, I wouldn't have the backbone to go through with it myself unless someone else passed judgement on me. You have no idea how many times in the course of writing this letter I wanted to scrap it and just give this whole thing over to K instead of you. But I know you are the one who really deserves to judge me, and K would probably be too disgusted with me to even consider this. That's why I'm giving all of this to you now. Read it, watch it. I know you've always wanted to know these things, but there are probably things in these books that you also never wanted to know. I shouldn't be asking anything of you at this point, but I will anyway. If you can or even care anymore... look over all this and then tell me. Do you think there's hope? Or if there is, that I should take it? Do you think, as I've been thinking for the past few days, that regardless of all that... I should relieve the world of my presence before anyone else gets hurt? I know you'll be more than fair to me in your assessment, so if you believe that I'm overdue for death, then it must be true. Don't be too kind to me, Seph. I may just end up going on to ruin more lives if you do.

Read, then decide. Judge me, and I'm begging you to tell me what you decide. I'll do it, if I'm still holding out by the time you've waded through. This isn't just some sick joke to put you in a tight spot. I would just kill myself without bothering you about this, but some part of myself still wants to believe that I could make Julie happy someday and I'm terrified of losing that chance if it's still there (I think it probably isn't). Please think of what's best for them. You're much better at that than I am.

From Vin.

____________________________

Yes. It was a long letter. In the box were all of Vin's journals and relevant videos and photographs.

Needless to say, I am pretty shocked. 

I really don't know what to do. This whole thing has thrown me into even more worry. I don't WANT someone else's life riding on my decision! This is really stupid... but Vin seems serious about it.. *ugh* .... I can't just ignore him. Especially if he's assigning suicide as the default option if I can't decide something for him. And it's really horrible because I just don't KNOW what is best for everyone, honestly. That's so terrible to say, but it's true. I don't know. Maybe Vin would find it easier to let go in the next life, or maybe he wouldn't and things would just be worse for him. And that dilemma is just over his fate, but what about his wife and kid? If I say "no Vin I think you should stay and work it out" but things don't work out and something horrible happens to Julia and the baby, I know I'd end up blaming myself. Similarly, if I tell him that I think it would be better for everyone if he ended it (can you imagine me saying that to him? the thought makes my stomach go into knots) then I will be responsible for the death of my own father and Julie will have to deal with her husband's suicide or execution, whichever way it goes. This is just.... THE WORST SITUATION EVER.

I don't want this... I really don't want to have to do this. I haven't even touched his journals yet because I'm so freaked out by the idea of judging somebody else's right to live or die... especially since letting him live may be condemning others to die... it's so.... AGH....

WHY IS HE DOING THIS TO ME?!

I know that's silly to ask... but I don't know. I don't know anything about him anymore, whether he's doing this (consciously or not) to torment me some more as a kind of last laugh sort of thing, or if he really is this desperate and indecisive about his own future. 

But this is so. freaking. ridiculous.

At first I was crying over the letter because of his confessions and stupid things like that, but by the end I was crying for different reasons. I am SO SCARED of doing this! I have no idea, not the slightest clue of how to approach this! I don't want him to die, but I don't want to endanger anyone else, and I don't know if we can trust him not to even if he shows a drastic change in behavior because that old hatred could still be lurking like it has been for the past few years, largely undetectable...

Sometimes I wish people would just forget I exist so I wouldn't be faced with stupid emotional/moral life-changing dilemmas all the time!

Okay that was an exaggeration. calm down, Seph... you don't get faced with this stuff all the time. That is a huge exaggeration.... *deep breath and sigh*

I guess I should be honored that he trusts my judgement so much. But at the same time. I can't really seem to muster any gratitude, or even curiosity for what's in those journals. I'm too freaked out.

Really. Really freaked out.

I don't want to have my father die on me... and I certainly don't want it to be my decision that he does. But he might anyway.

My first instinct is to tell him "don't kill yourself, just ... keep trying to live normally and see what happens" but.... he's not going to accept that answer unless I've read all this stuff. In fact I called him while still all emotional from reading the letter and told him I didn't need to read all that to know that I didn't want him to kill himself. But he said he didn't want me to decide anything until I'd read it all, and wouldn't take any arguments. He DID sound awful.

I'm really scared... *sigh* Now that it comes down to it I could care less what's in his journals... I just don't want to be the one who decides all of this.

I've been in a weird funk all day... I think some of it leaked through to Rae's side (sorry) even if she initially didn't know what it was.

I would give freaking anything to go back to the days when I didn't even remember how much Vin really hated me... the days when I felt so capable about everything, and I actually had a home in someone. Well, okay, not anything (no one should ever say that kind of thing) but I sure miss things as they were. I'm trying to build myself a new future here, but it's still so shaky and thin, and sometimes I feel like for all the people I'm surrounded by and how many people actually "like" me... there's still a principle source of comfort which has disappeared, and stability (does that seem ironic?)... and though there are people on my side, it's not the same. I still feel alone and like I will have to stand alone for the rest of my life, even if I have a lot of people who love me. 

Don't get me wrong. I'm so grateful for my life right now. For a while there, things were better than I thought they ever would be. Just a few months before I was on the edge of suicide and now I have mood stability most of the time and a kid to look after and work to keep me busy and things are not nearly as hard on my heart as they once were now that it's not so raw... but this just takes the cake. I mean, this should almost be a joke, it's so awful. 

But anyway... I can't think about it anymore tonight... I've got to try and sleep, even if I don't feel like I will be able to. I haven't told Julie yet about the letter. I don't want to give her any more to worry about. In fact I haven't told anybody. Not even Tiras or Talmon or Adriel. I shoved the box in my closet under a pile of laundry and wouldn't explain when Tiras asked what it was.

Talmon's asleep like a log right now and laying down and sleeping sounds really good... honestly I want a good hug right now more than almost anything... but I'm trying to be done seeking affection for comfort... I'll take a leaf out of Elie's book and try sleep instead *sigh*

My brain's so haywire I'm having a humongous craving for french toast.... *drifts away* Seph out.

I've come to the conclusion that I probably will never be in a romantic relationship again... because... I'm pretty sure I'm bad with them.

Okay some may say that's ridiculous, but if someone consistently ends up expecting more out of people than is realistic, there's a lesson to be learned there, and if that lesson isn't successfully learned then that area should be avoided... right? I feel like being in love makes me really self-absorbed and that is just backwards of how it should be... haven't figured out how to turn it around. I think because inevitably with that sort of relationship, you enter it with expectations of SOME kind... you expect time and attention from the other person, at least a little bit, because otherwise it's not much of a romance... you expect the other person to return your feelings because then it's not actually a two-way relationship at all... and when those expectations aren't filled everything just gets messy and horrible and it brings out the very worst in me o.0 I feel like I expect much more out of people than I should and can't seem to get out of the cycle of expecting more and more as I get closer to the person and then my feelings are hurt for no reason but my own silliness and it's really just stupid xD

I guess I'm not good with other relationships either though... not ones in which I want the other person to be on an equal level with me. I can be a big brother or a father figure without things getting complicated because then I don't really expect much in return for my attention... I'm the giver and I went into it with that knowledge and the intention of taking care of someone else and not being taken care of. So like with Talmon, things are great because I don't expect anything from him, and I went into the relationship with the intent to take care of him because he's a kid and I'm an adult. And with Adriel, I don't expect him to take care of me in any way because he's like my little brother (though I certainly appreciate when he does take care of me and gives me hugs and cheers me up and things like that). But if I'm in a relationship which is supposed to be made of a mutual level on both sides of attention and responsibility and care, I end up becoming an attention addict.... I guess I become overly concerned with how it's balancing out, whether or not we're getting enough time together, but then flipping back and forth between feeling selfish and actually being selfish... and it's really a good thing I guess that Elie realized how disfunctional it was becoming -_-

So anywayyy... I don't really want to deal with that part of myself again... and I don't want to have to answer to my own philosophies which might contradict how I want to treat someone... I don't want to be so confused by myself. I guess that's why I'm making my life simple now even if it keeps me from feeling certain things I once cherished, and being so passionate about things. Passion is poisonous because you start wanting to feel like that all the time... even if it's a simple passion for something other than a relationship... I get addicted to that sense of purpose too easily... and then I get obsessed with things when I should be more mature about them and not so excitable... like a stupid teenager getting all head-in-the-clouds because someone looked his way. I've realized that feeling things strongly is more a sign of immaturity than wisdom. The most mature people are those who are on an even keel and don't let their heart get in the way.

Being in love is too risky for me now so I don't think I'll ever let it happen again... I'm too immature for it now anyway. The only way I'd let myself is if I knew I'd grown up about 50x more than I have so far in my life... which doesn't look like it's going to happen anytime soon... heh...

Just some random thoughts... I'm not sure why I was thinking about this.... but I guess I've been realizing just how much less of an awesome person I am than I thought I was. I have no delusions now of greatness. I'm just some guy... just like any other guy. Nothing special, and what I feel fro moment to moment is nothing special either. Nothing's really as meaningful as I once made it out to be, or at least... what I mean is... nothing's so weighty as I once felt it to be. Better to keep everything light and at arm's length so you can see it clearly. Otherwise I end up getting lost in pointless emotion which feels good and beautiful and deep and spiritual at the time but is really completely meaningless because I'm overdoing it so much. Like how you know those teenagers who write overwhelmingly emotional poetry aren't actually experiencing anything all that bad, but their emotions are just running away with them.

I really need to grow up and spend more time in my head instead of my heart o.0 Thankfully, I feel like I'm on my way there.

Quick update, and then I'm in the mood for more delving into my past.

Yeah, Talmon's better now. His fever broke and I've been slowly reintroducing him to food. He's been hesitant, really scared of throwing up again... but I think he's taken heart from the fact that he's kept nearly a full meal down by now. He's still a little shaky and weak but the worst is over! He follows me around silently now that it's back to kitchen duty.

Everyone else seems to be alright, except for Jashen and Tiras... Tiras struck low in the mood department today. I'm not sure what's wrong... he said he didn't want to talk about it... and as for Jashen, well, we of course haven't told anyone who knows him best about his cutting habit... so I'm worried that he might continue it in the meantime. I guess we'll see, though. For now Tiras is just keeping a loose watch on him to make sure he's alerted if something really bad happens.

I've been feeling pretty good, despite my worry for Talmon and how much time it's all given me to think. I'm hoping that by being honest with myself about these new memories, I'll be less likely to gain more little problems from past failures of mine.

So where I left off last time was before I set out to look for my dad. I was old enough that I didn't need a legal guardian... I got a job and a small apartment close to where my last foster home was, somewhere in northern greece. My job was at a some place that sold shoes... pretty boring. But I wasn't picky back then. I spent half my time working and the other half I spent either doing research or smoking with acquaintances and talking. I had a few other hobbies too but they were vaguely neglected. I got into violin in my second to last foster home... this mom had 4 kids but most of them were grown, and she loved music and had a bunch of musical instruments left over from when her kids were at home, some of them dropping interest in this or that one... so I took up violin lessons for a bit and then it went dormant for a little while after I moved out... I didn't get into sword stuff until later.

So anyway... the first place I started from was, obviously, the place I'd spent my earliest memories at. I called them repeatedly asking for information but it was tricky getting the right person to talk to, and eventually they said they couldn't disclose certain information over the phone and that if I wanted to know more I'd have to come in person with ID and papers and everything... so I took a trip down there sometime in the summer of my 18th year. It was so annoying... The first time, I go in to ask if I can talk to someone, they say I should call ahead and schedule an appointment or something... and I try to explain that I'm the person who's been calling for the past few months and it doesn't make a difference to them... so I go and I call and they say they'll need to see confirmation that I am actually from this place... so I ask then when I can come in to show my records and stuff... and it was so tough getting them to give me a straight answer. They basically told me to call back next week when so-and-so was in... so I did and then finally was told I could come in the following monday to clear things up... and of course once they were actually ready to take me seriously it was OBVIOUS who I was... how many kids with silver hair ARE there in this country? So they say that I'm going to have to sit down with some certain people who are higher up than them... so I schedule an appointment with this person for the next week, go in, talk to the guy... turns out he can't tell me anything, doesn't know a thing about who dropped me off. The only thing he can tell me is that I was less than a week old and it was sometime in the second week of November that I was brought in. Also that I was suspected to be on drugs or something because my blood was so abnormal, but apparently I was suffering no ill effects from this... well I guess that's the best excuse they could come up with?

Anyway so I asked him, just to be sure, if there was any way I could contact the person who had actually brought me in, or if he knew who had found me in the first place... he said no, but I insisted and he told me the woman's name who brought me in. It was Christou or something close... but she'd stopped working there several years before and he had no idea where she was now. So I thanked him and set to work trying to find this woman through online phone books and things... but it was a fairly common name so I got discouraged pretty quickly. Besides, I wasn't even sure if she knew anything. The guy I talked to said that most abandoned children are reported to the police anonymously and then the police contact hospitals or orphanages and so on. So I decided my next best bet would be the police.

I didn't think it'd be a walk in the park, certainly, but I'm sure you can imagine how ridiculous my case might have seemed to people who have much bigger issues to worry about than helping some teenager reconnect with his blood relatives who might not even be alive. I bugged them by phone and in person several times, but eventually they told me to stop coming and that they'd report if they heard anything about anyone with hair like mine, but I got no promises about looking through old files for a call about an abandoned infant, even though I told them the exact time period to look in.

I was depressed and angry for a few weeks after that. I sulked in my apartment and was blah at work, slept a lot in the day and then ended up taking short walks just before nightfall and staying up reading or writing. I wrote more in my journal during my search for parents than probably any other time before that, and it picked up the further I got. I guess for a while, finding my parents became my big drive in life, the thing I wanted to do so I'd feel purposeful...

Anyway, I eventually realized that I could look for mentions of silver-haired people on my own. I had a really cheap laptop that wasn't good for much but basic internet capabilities, so I'd go out somewhere with strong wi-fi and spend hours on search engines wading through endless links to stuff about elves and other fantasy characters to old people to ... whatever. you name it... there was hardly anything about young silver-haired people. I didn't let myself think about whether or not my mother or father might already be old enough that they'd have silver hair anyway *rolls eyes* that would have been awful....

So eventually I figured out that most young people with silver hair are either albino or have a streak of it somewhere in their hair but not a full head of it. I started searching people like that and trying to narrow down which were even vague possibilities... they had to be the right age or older, and to have visited or lived in that general region of europe if not greece itself during the right time frame...

Most of them ended up being albino. There's also this thing called Poliosis which is where you get streaks of white/silver in your hair (which can be hereditary), called a mellan streak caused by waardenburg syndrome... but that syndrome is also known for causing splothces of white on the skin... and deafness and unibrows o.0 .... none of which I had... I was full white with full silver hair.. sooo.....

Yeah it's nigh unto impossible to find any recorded cases of human leukism...! At least not like how I look... though there is this case Rae just looked up out of curiousity (the only one and mentioned only briefly) of an african girl with leukism who had white skin and golden hair o.0 so albino was the closest thing I could find and that was still really far off.

So I started looking for online albino communities, recorded cases of alibinism in europe, etc.... asked around... I still didn't have that much hope though because apparently albinos also have bad eyes and I had absolutely no eye problems....

Anyway so I emailed this woman... who appeared to be the right age and lived north of greece (I'm not going to get into how country borders have changed... just know it was somewhere north of where greece is for Elie and Rae)... and she said no, she has been married for twenty years and has never been with another man... but she was really nice about it all... she said even if she had, she couldn't possibly be my mother since she's incapable of having children and has had to adopt. I exchanged emails with her a bit while I was working and waiting around for any sort of sign from the police... eventually in the spring of my 19th year I decided I would go visit her to try and console myself about how badly my search was going...

So I'd saved up my money till then and I went to go see her... it was the first time I'd really traveled somewhere of my own choice and I enjoyed it a lot, though I was still lonely and a little glum some days. Her family was wonderful. She introduced me to her husband and her adopted children... three of them at least, since the fourth had moved away. They were all pretty nice to me and I stayed there for almost a week. I realized right away, though, that I probably wasn't albino, or not a normal albino.

When it came time for me to go home I was really bothered by it. I didn't really want to... I was sick of waiting around and doing nothing but working and standing on streetcorners with people I didn't understand. So this woman suggested that since I had a fair amount of money (I by nature have always been pretty good at saving money...) I should visit some of the main parts of europe, see something different and maybe it would refresh me and help me figure out what to do with my life next since it seemed like this search wasn't working out for me. I hadn't given up yet, but I decided after some thought to give it a try, and on the way, I would check into major police stations in person (since that usually got me better results than just by phone)... places along major traveling routes, along which one or both of my parents might have come.

It was kind of a crazy plan but I know I can be really impulsive... this was one of those times. I did go back to my apartment to pack more of what I'd need for the trip. I sold what I had, which wasn't much... mostly books and movies... I traded them in for cash at various used book stores and such. I never had a car... I was forced to learn to drive by one of my foster families but hardly ever drove afterward. So actually I probably wouldn't be the greatest driver in the world... though I think I could pick it up pretty quickly.

Anyway... I hopped on trains and buses and headed northwest. It was exciting, initially. I got caught up in the nomadic life and got a little irresponsible, but never got in too much trouble. I first really tried drinking on this trip, unsuccessfully (meaning I threw up) about three times. I checked in wherever I saw crowds of young people... after a long day on a train or bus I would always feel like I wanted nothing more than to drown in human company, no matter if it was respectable or not. I found people's houses to crash at half the time, to save on funds. I made it a habit to try and make quick friends frequently since if you made a good enough impression on some people, they would be generous enough to do you favors. This didn't always work... it depended on the town, the area... the environment... but whenever I could, I tried to do that since I wasn't sure how long my money would last. Anyway people were generally at least curious about me because of my appearance I guess... hmm...

Back then I had developed the idea that as long as you act like you're someone who should be respected and treated well, you were that much more likely of being treated that way. It was a confident front sort of thing. It's often easier to assume things. So instead of waiting for people to offer, just a quick "hey, got a couch open? It's alright if I get some sleep at your place isn't it?" is easier and draws either a "well sure I guess" or "no, sorry (insert reason here)". I guess some people are more hesitant to break an already-placed expectation than to avoid one that's merely forming.

I got exposed to a lot of weird people during that time. Young people are weird. They do weird things... especially when they're drunk or tired or in large numbers or all three. Sometimes I got involved, sometimes I didn't. Depended on how legal it seemed... I didn't want to turn the police off from helping me. And anyway, half the time it was something way too embarrassing for me to do because I was the only sober one. But actually... remember all those stories that were supposedly from SOLDIER? ... half or more are actually escapades with random youths during my travels or afterward. Yes, I did still go skinnydipping. No I was not exactly a michelangelo painting. -_-

Yes I am still a virgin, as far as I can tell.

Anyway... contacting the police was unsuccessful for a long time. I even had a few incidences where I got laughed at or told directly that I was wasting their time. Mostly they were just polite but direct.

There are a lot of things from that trip that could be journal entries in and of themselves, since it was such a long one. Visits to certain cities and certain encounters with certain people... but I won't write them tonight. I want to get to the point, which is how I found Vin. Really it was a stroke of (good?) luck.

I was up north enough that I was in the general germany poland area... ish.. I THINK... when I stepped into a police station and asked my usual questions about people with silver hair... a bunch of them were sitting around and after I was talking to them for a while they were kind of laughing about how I might be Donavin's silver phantom. I'm curious of course, so I ask, and they say there's an officer who's been traveling all around the area working for different divisions of the police who has some kind of rumored history with a mysterious silver-haired girl. ... I'm of course not a girl, but I started getting excited and so I ask them more questions, find out he's living further east. So I hop on a train and head that way. I was pretty relieved since by that time I was running out of funds anyway, but I still had plenty to get me over there. But then when I got there I found out, after a bit of searching, that he'd moved again to work in a different area. More nagging of the police to tell me where he went. At the point with my money where I couldn't travel all the way back home if I wanted to... probably not even halfway considering th need for food and cigarettes and sometimes board.

Finally I get his address... find the city... after a long bus ride and a whole lot of walking, find the street... find the apartment building... find the number. At this point I had no idea what to expect. I knew that if this man was my father, he might not have the best relationship with whoever my mother was, and might not be too excited to learn he has a child if he didn't know... but I decided to just play it like I had the rest of the trip... assumption that I had a place here.

So I knock... I remember being really nervous. I wasn't in the best outfit or anything... it was fall by this time and cold... I was wearing a hat and scarf and gloves and all that... all of which may not have been washed in a bit longer than they should have... I remember staring at this pair of shoes sitting by the door while I listened as hard as I could for footsteps inside. When they didn't come, I knocked again just to be sure, and then I heard them coming after a second. Then the door opened.

I didn't have much time to form an unbiased first impression ... because the minute he opened the door he said, grumpily "what do you--" (want? I'm sure was the last bit) which then immediately changed to an expletive when I took my hat off in some weird attempt to be polite because I was suddenly feeling--despite my plan to be confident--really self-conscious. But maybe subconsciously I also wanted him to see right away who I was. Well, it worked. He was off on a string of shocked exclaimations... I just stood there not sure of what to say but feeling distinctly like I'd eaten something that was making me sick. It only got worse though... after he'd recovered a little, he asked what I wanted, again, what I wanted from him, and why I was there, and I tried to explain that I had come looking for my parents and I'd heard maybe he knew something about my mother, if she had hair like mine... and he immediately got angry, said he knew nothing about where she was and didn't want to know. At one point he'd collapsed on the couch which was a short ways in and I followed him in uninvited because by this point I realized I was definitely not getting an invitation no matter how polite I tried to be. So while he was sitting there groaning and mumbling to himself... I said basically, look, I've come all this way looking for you, and it's obvious to me that you're the closest relative I have, since it's obvious you were involved with whoever my mother is if you knew me right away... I'm all out of money. I should be able to expect something out of my only parent, shouldn't I? He stood up and said there was no proof he was my father and he had no obligation to me. I said why did was he acting like this then? and he just glared at me and essentially told me to get out of his house. I said I had nowhere to go. We argued back and forth a bit like that... and then eventually he caved and said I could stay just one night but then it was the road for me. At this point I wasn't sure if I was going to be kicked out in the morning or not, so I figured I'd better milk this for all it was worth, and I basically demanded cigarettes and some dinner because I was starving too. So he shoved some money at me and went off to pour himself some wine while I headed down to the nearest place both my needs could be fulfilled at.

When I came back, I could tell he was disappointed I hadn't stayed away... I gave him back the change and plopped down on the couch, tried to engage him in conversation, ask him about how long he's been a police officer and why, and what brought him to Greece, or was I concieved somewhere else... and he just basically told me to shut up and not push my luck, and hid behind a book with his wineglass. So I sat there for a while... in the utter silence.... for a long time, actually, until I needed another cigarette, so I pulled one out and lit it, and Vin gave me this AWFUL look and I nearly dropped my cigarette. He said "you must not want that bed very much", so I stood up and apologized and asked if I could step out on a balcony or something. He said to use the fire escape by the front door, so I did. Thus began my long association with that little metal platform... >_>

When I came back in, he was in the exactly same position as before, so I just laid down on the couch and shut my eyes. IT took me forever to fall asleep, and he was drinking practically that whole time, I swear.

Next morning was horrific... he was more grumpy than the night before and shoved me off the couch to wake me up, told me to get out of his house before he threw me out the window himself. I tried to reason with him but he was in such a mood that it scared me... I left and sat down on the curb a ways up the street and kept myself occupied with a few cigarettes. It was about six in the morning... cold. I dunno if it was a half hour later or an hour later... it felt like an hour... I saw him drive away in his car, probably to work. So I got up and walked back up to the apartment but it was locked. So I sat by the door and that was really when I started to feel sorry for myself. I'd come all this way trying to find my family, and it turned out that instead of just not belonging... my own father actually didn't want me anywhere near him. It was too early for me to let myself think he actually hated me... but I felt the idea of it coming on. I was disappointed and hurt... and most of all I was worried about what to do now. If I couldn't stay there, if I couldn't make it work with him, then I had no concept of where to go next with my life. Yeah I was obsessed... I wanted a real family, I think, really badly... though I'd never admitted it to myself as readily when I was younger, now it was easy for me to admit... I really wanted a real family. So eventually, during the hours I was sitting there thinking and sorting through the shock and hurt of how Vin had treated me... I decided that I was going to do whatever I could to make this work. Even if I got yelled at, as long as Vin never actually made me stay away, I would stay and make him see how much I wanted my real father to respect me...

Though this plan depended on whether or not Vin actually let me in that night. Which he did. He came up the stairs in a much quieter mood and just silently opened the door and left it open as he walked in. I walked in after him, and for the first day, I decided I would leave him be... show him I wasn't a nuisance. So I only spoke when spoken to and kept out of his way. It worked out alright.

For the next while, there were long stretches of days where we spoke very little to each other. These would be broken up periodically by arguments which would ensue because I would question him about something. Personal questions riled him up. I could talk about myself all I wanted, as long as I didn't involve his name in it. As long as I didn't mention his past actions. As long as I didn't ask him what my mother was like.

If I did, he would get angry and tell me not to ask that sort of thing, essentially, or that it was none of my business, and when I would argue (it is SO my business o.0) he'd often blow up and try to scare me into silence. Over time I became more and more immune to this, but I also learned that Vin was not going to yield any information to me. So eventually... I let go, temporarily, of asking about her. Safer subjects were work (he made me get an office job as soon as possible), weather, money, politics, anything but personal questions. I was also expected to help pay rent and buy groceries. The best mood I could get him in was when I acted interested in his ramblings about italian everything. Italian literature, italian history, everything. I think he was a little bit obsessed. He enjoyed the history of other european countries too though... he'd also go on and on about wine, this or that vineyard, etc etc. I knew I'd earned at least some points with him when he let me try some of his favorite wine to try and convince me of the difference between it and other types... I was sure to take very tiny sips to keep from throwing it up because the last thing I wanted was for him to make fun of me for my weak stomach...

Okay it's past 2... and I'm starting to feel self-centered with all this talk of myself.... time to send the kid to bed, aka Rae. Talmon's been asleep for 4 hours already.

It feels so good to be consumed with it again. Though this love doesn't come with as many facets... it springs from the same source as my deepest feelings for Elie come from... which, I can't even tell you, is an amazing comfort to me. It reassures me that how I felt and still feel come from good places within myself, the same places the tenderness and protectiveness I feel toward Talmon comes from. They're different, certainly, but... mm... well, I won't bore you with my philosophies.

So Talmon got sick monday afternoon. I don't know why or how but he suddenly just came to me and said he felt weird. At first I thought maybe he was just anxious... but as things progressed I could see he really was sick. So I sent him to bed and checked in on him often throughout the day. He was running a low fever for most of it... and he had some bad dreams that night... but things didn't really get bad until yesterday....

In the morning I got him a little bit of breakfast, but he threw it up about five minutes later. *sigh* he seemed alright after that first one... he fell asleep and I went and fixed lunch... but then around 3 or 4 his fever got really bad... and his body kept trying to throw up but all that was coming up was acid of course... and during all that he started to cry and even after it was over he cried and cried... and held his stomach and said it hurt... it was awful : \ it was terrible to see him like that... all I could do was hold him and give him little sips of water... since he refused to eat anything... and he actually begged me not to leave the room, was acting really scared... I had to just hold him and try and help him calm down... I was afraid he might hyperventilate or something....

It makes me really sad to realize all he's had to deal with on his own in the past... yes, I know, it's nothing compared to what K's been through... but once again somehow it seems easier to reach out to Talmon than to him... >_< I don't know why.... it makes me feel guilty...

Gilead's checked Talmon and says that he may have digestive problems but he'd need to do a checkup when Talmon's in a more normal state of health... to see if it's a lasting thing... in the meantime we've been giving him teas to soothe his stomach... Gilead gave him some medicine too... and I've been trying to make him drink water though he's afraid of throwing up again...

Anyway, his fever's down now... it will probably break in a little while. Then it's uphill from there... thank goodness. I'm grateful though, for the way it's brought me closer to this kid... he really is... sweet underneath it all... it makes me feel so honored that he would choose to place his faith in me when he hasn't done so to anyone before. Maybe it's nothing I've done, but I'm still grateful. I hope after this that he won't put up the indifferent front xD cuz it's pretty useless now. He's going to have to put up with huggy Seph from now on.. well he had to before, so I guess nothing's changed where I'm concerned... *chucks*

I just hope I can show him that I'm not going to break his trust if I can help it. His trust is really important to me....

On another note... I did a little evening service on sunday. I decided to make it pretty basic... I didn't even make them sing xP But I explained who God is and Jesus... and their relation to us... and the main story of it all... just basic concepts. Read a few verses... yeah. Really simple.... I wouldn't have been surprised if it turned out to just be me and Adriel, but Tiras showed up (out of boredom, he said, but I know an excuse like that when I hear it), and Kaserin was curious so he dragged Elym along... and Micah came in for the last bit. We were just doing it in the den. Oh and of course Talmon was there too. So it was better than I thought. I even got questions...

And then me and Tiras ended up talking a ton the next night o.0 I had no idea he thought about this sort of thing so much... he seems very concerned about the state of both his and K's souls after death and how they'll supposedly be seperated. He brought up his past crimes a lot and seemed really convinced that if there is an afterlife, he's definitely going to hell... and I don't feel that. Maybe that's wrong... but can someone who really loves someone else so much be a candidate for such a place? I hope not. From talking to him I can tell that Tiras is practically bursting with love for K... it's really something to behold. It makes me feel coldhearted in comparison *Sigh* ... but my point is that with a heart like that, there's no way he'd belong in hell. I just can't see that.

So I tried to explain that to him, along with a lot of other things. It was a long discussion. He also brought up wondering why, if God cares about everyone, he hasn't helped K yet, has never rescued him from a single bad thing... asking why K has such "bad luck". I told him I don't know, and that I think in some ways one could say that God has helped K by bringing him someone to care about... and so on and so on... of course he had arguments for that... but all in all he didn't seem confrontational necessarily, just concerned and sad. It was an emotional talk too... it's beautiful to see how deep Tiras's feelings run, actually.

He seemed to be thinking hard about it... I haven't seen him much since monday though since I've been taking care of Talmon... none of the others seemed much affected.

Anyway... I guess that's about all... besides the fact that everyone inhaled that cream pie... and the fruity one I made the next day xD

Well, I say that, but we'll see what happens. I shouldn't say much, since Rae is being a bad girl and wasting time she should be using to prepare for her tests.

Planting went alright. I got a fair amount of people to actually come out, though most of them just stood around not wanting to get their hands dirty. Kaserin was pretty enthusiastic about it once I got him started. A few of the others did it too... Talmon wanted to plant some.. Adriel wanted to as well. I picked out plants for everyone else in case they wanted to care for them, and most of them planted at least one of them. I'm glad Kaserin's excited... at least I know that he'll try his best to care for them.

Elie came over the other night to interrogate me about a past I didn't remember. I didn't want to remember it, which made things difficult at first, but then as she prompted me, a few things began to pop up like loose threads I could pull out, and then it all began unraveling quite quickly.

I'm glad I was struck with fairly good memories at first... most of them about "kid" K... who was really more like thirteen. If I'd been dumped on by all the other stuff right away, I would have had a lot of trouble keeping myself together. I was bracing myself for some sort of meltdown after seeing the weird episode Hale went through a while back (though I'm starting to wonder what that was about if he really is some random german boy?) and anyway... it came and yet it didn't. I managed to steer myself gently through this new identity. What helped most was the uncanny feeling that the Lion part of me was very present, even though my past identity is not one I'd really associate with him. It's as if he was assuring me that this is necessary, which was very helpful in keeping me from freaking out when I realized I am, once again, not who I thought I was.

I guess in order to really move forward, people often have to face up to what's behind them. Maybe the Lion was trying to help me see that with his weird presence during that experience. Either way, it was still emotional and I was afraid that this would be just one more way I would fall from favor and lose claim to the reality of past experiences with Elie. I still do fear that. The parallels are overlapping and blocking out all that rests between them in order to fit together more perfectly. Will that river become buried underground?

Yes... my past self is not one I am proud of, though I won't say I have much next to Tiras (most people don't). In some ways I'm surprised that the me of a year or so ago came out of such a person, except I take little sparks of that persona showing up in my history as a sign that those better parts of me were just suppressed.

I'm vaguely interested to know why Mysia decided to drop me off somewhere instead of just smother me to death or something. I was just a harmless baby, wasn't I? Maybe for the first few days, she had some flimsy flickers of maternal instinct before those faded and she decided on a whim that I was too much of a hassle to care for... too much of a hassle to even bother killing. Somewhere in my memory is the suggestion that I was found abandoned in some public place like a mall or restaurant. I can just imagine her sitting down to eat, then deciding to leave me with the check. 

I don't remember liking very many people as a child. I would call it melodramatic to say that people thought I was weird because of my hair, but that was probably part of it anyway, but I just didn't click with a lot of kids. I was easily intimidated, I think. Anyway... memories of this time are still coming in fragments. I think I was in some sort of temporary care system like foster care, because I don't remember anywhere really feeling like home. I was in a large group of kids until I was about 13... then I began to be transferred around to smaller homes. I remember one of the first ones was a home with a bunch of bratty teenage girls. Not the best type of female attention to give a boy who would be going through puberty as a human. I think I hit it close to my 15th "birthday", but I was with that family for about 3 years, and I really didn't like those girls at all. They were overall just so sarcastic and critical, and I think they got a power trip out of trying to get a rise out of the only boy in the house. I won't go into detail... but they didn't give me a great impression of women in general, and the woman of the house wasn't exactly gentle and nurturing either, having to whip those girls into line all the time. I think she just decided to treat me with the same roughness, considering I was a boy and should, by tradition, be tougher and courser and ruder than the girls, but I wasn't, at least not for the first year, but they got me off to a bad start into teenhood. I had to develop an attitude in order to not be walked over and humiliated. They were really worldly girls too, which didn't impress me at all, but it became what I expected out of women in some ways... this attitude of being sly and seductive and like winning a man is a game, even if you only win for a month or a week or a night. 

I remember once they went on a crusade to try and get me to come over to their side, thought it'd be funny to make me take part in their game. Corrupt the little angel-boy. They called me that sometimes, jokingly, since I scoffed at how they traded stories of this or that escapade, and I guess because of my hair. Stupid nickname. Yeah... I knew that I'd be the one to get in trouble if anything happened, and besides that, I didn't like them by that time anyway, so I ended up reading in my bedroom a lot and pretending like I was deaf, dumb, and blind.

Honestly though, it's no wonder I don't like womanly experienced women...

Anyway... as for school... I did alright, and that's me not being hard on myself. I think I hit my peak as far as grades go between 12 and 14, but then they started to go down because I stopped caring as much. They hit a big low around 16 and I had to struggle to raise them up high enough for graduation. I was in bad shape spiritually during those years. I was desperate for friends... I'd had no real ones since I was about 10, and the lack of people to talk to was taking its toll, I think. Somewhere around 15 or 16, it's funny, but I suddenly shot up in popularity with the world in general, it felt like. I'd just hit a new area and I guess I became a novelty because I was different... people started trying to get my attention. So I let them... it seemed good at first and I was feeling pretty good, my grades started going up again and stuff. Then along comes some well-to-do family who I guess was involved in the school there or something, who say they might be interested in me. The funny thing was, I wasn't excited at all. I was terrified, and I couldn't figure out why. I just couldn't see myself fitting in with those people, and the idea of trying to be wedged into a space that I didn't fit in seemed worse to me than drifting around loosely in a box which was, more often than not, full of other mismatched pieces. So I decided I wasn't interested.

Along with all these people at school thinking I was interesting, there were some girls... one of them got brave and decided to start hanging around me along with the guys. I didn't think much of her at first... honestly I don't know what I thought of any of those guys at first. I just wasn't thinking much... I was glad to have company and that was it. We would sit around talking about nothing and I would follow their conversation wherever it led, even to places I normally wouldn't go. During those times I'd just limit my responses until the subject changed. I was starved for acceptance, I guess. It's kind of pitiful.

So she starts trying to meld in with that crowd... and then starts showing up randomly between my classes and afterwards, until I start getting used to having her around. Eventually she asks me if I want to go get something to eat after school, so I go... we talk a little bit, ask questions about each other, even though she asked me a lot of questions about myself. I'm a sucker for that. Wow. I think she knew that, so she asked me questions about myself as often as she could. We went to go get food a few more times after school and she starts asking me more probing questions, like what do I think of girls, what kind of girls do I like. Long story short, eventually she asks me to be her boyfriend, and I , being a teenage boy and wanting companionship so badly, well, I accept without thinking. I actually went home really excited that somebody would actually be interested in me enough to ask something like that. I'd always felt so unimportant before, I guess.

It didn't last long though. A few days into the relationship, I'm starting to realize I knew absolutely nothing about this girl at all and she was just trying to morph into some kind of weird image of who she thought I'd be interested in, and now that she had me she thought she didn't need that disguise anymore. She'd just wanted to have the privilege of being the silver-haired kid's girlfriend, I guess, or that's what some people said afterward. Pretty soon she started reminding me way too much of those other girls. When she went suddenly from just holding hands and giving hello and goodbye pecks to asking when we were going to have sex, I dropped it right there. I wasn't too popular with the girls after that. She slandered me all up and down the school, said I told her she was bad in bed or something ridiculous like that...

Well after that I started realizing that I'd been pretending too, that I was encouraging this kind of behavior by picking up just anybody who came along acting like they wanted to get to know me. I was really disgusted at how I'd let her get to my head, and really disappointed in myself for trying to fit into somewhere I didn't belong.

You'd think this would make me want to hang out with better people... but really it just made me not want to hang out with anyone. I started really keeping to myself and avoiding other people, which made me unpopular even faster. Even though I had more time to study I just didn't feel like paying attention to anyone, my motivation was shot, I spent most of my time reading or taking long walks. I started to really hate being around people in general. Around this time I was with a family where the only other kid was some toddler, so the only time I interacted with any of them was if the mom decided we needed to sit down for dinner instead of taking it to our rooms (and even then sometimes I was a bad kid and took it to my room anyway) or when this one tv show the dad watched was on, I would watch it with him sometimes... or on rare occasions they'd actually have me watch the toddler for ten or fifteen minutes while they ran an errand or something. Those people were pretty nice but I was always so gloomy coming back from school that they probably just didn't know how to deal with me and let me hide away in my hole. I feel kind of bad.

Really looking back on all this is weird for me. Unreal in a way, though I remember parts of it so clearly.

Anyway, through those really depressed and solitary years (they bled over into the next place I went, and the next, and the next) I started formulating the idea to track down my parents. I knew that it'd take one really weird genetic mutation to produce me from a normal human... so there was a good chance one or both of my parents had similar characteristics. I started to become obsessed with the idea of finding out who they were. At the same time, I was kind of scared. If it ended up that I had no place even among whatever stock I came from, I wasn't sure what I would do. But I figured that not belonging was the worst that could happen, which was the same as I'd get anywhere else, and so it was worth a risk. I'd never really been comfortable with trying to work it out with an adopted family. Ironic that that's where I am now.

Toward the late end of my teenhood, I started getting starved for company again. I think it was spurred on by graduation, where I saw so many people telling each other how much they'd miss so-and-so and being so emotional about it all, and I didn't really feel much about it. It didn't mean much to me, as far as moving on went... I guess because I'd never really made connections there or anywhere else. I think three people in that whole school said something about how they'd miss me, that day, and one of them was a teacher.

Gee I sound so melodramatic... well there's a reason for the unfamiliarity though. I'd only been in that school for half a year... *chucks*

After school was over I felt really aimless. I started taking long walks through the city, striking up a conversation with anyone who looked bored. I met a guy about my age outside a grocery store once, he was holding a kitten he was going to give his little sister, and he was smoking a cigarette. I used the kitten as a conversation starter and we got to talking about siblings. I got so jealous of this guy, having a little sister he absolutely adored. I guess his mom had been divorced and remarried a guy after she had him, and then that guy had divorced and remarried and they'd had the little girl, and so she wasn't actually his little sister, but he watched over her because none of their parents treated them right. Then I started to wonder if I would have had a chance for something like that if I'd looked harder for it. We talked for a long, long time. I stayed out there with him until like 2 AM. He even had me hold the kitten while he went to go get it some cat food from inside the store because he was afraid it might be hungry. I was just drinking this guy in because he was so friendly and seemed so open and understanding. So when he offered me a cigarette, I accepted. I was just so glad to be talking to him. I saw it as a sign of how open we were being with each other, that he'd share those with me. I felt really accepted by this person and I couldn't get enough of talking to him. Eventually he said he had to go if he wanted to make it to his sister's house before he got too tired to walk-- he was originally waiting for a ride over there by his stepdad's wife, but he couldn't get a hold of her and she didn't show up the whole time. I went through three cigarettes while I was talking to him. 

The next day, I dunno what I was craving more... that guy's conversation, or his cigarettes. I think psychologically, I associated them together... which is why I went out and bought some while I was getting milk. That was the start of that.

It's crazy... I could go on for hours. But I don't want Rae blaming me tomorrow when she flunks her tests! xP

Another crazy thing... I'm noticing my language has changed to become more casual the further I've gotten into my teenage self... *smacks forehead* ... I didn't have the most refined speech back then, though I did write a journal off and on. Very off and on. Not regularly at all. Just whenever I felt like writing.

Anywayyy..... yeah I should stop now. I guess I can write more later. I didn't mean to get so wrapped up in reminiscing... it's just odd to have memories you've never reminisced about before.

Again.

This journal entry may contain unhealthy amounts of rambling... be thou warned. Mostly about random things though.

I guess I wanted to start thinking about the little things in life again so I wouldn't kill my brain cells by hammering meal plans into them 24/7...

Lots of weird images come to mind, like light off a sword blade, Talmon's sleeping face (which is right next to me), the little plants I got for everyone...

Yeah I went and got some today. I was feeling stressed out and aimless so I decided to make something happen which would last longer than clean dishes. It's getting late for planting anyway. So I made a quick afternoon of it. Yes, I went by myself. I also visited Scotch and Asha. I really wanted to break out of the limited routine I've been in.

Scotch gave me the hugest hug when he answered the door. It was honestly one of the most touching gifts I've received in weeks. He really held on for a few seconds, and said several times how glad he was to see me. I was almost tempted to ask if he thought I'd come to help him with the baby or something, but he said no, he'd just really missed me but hadn't felt like he should spend much time away from his family to come see me. It's a wonderful feeling, knowing that you're enough of a valued part of someone's life that they think about you and miss you. That all on its own made me feel loads better than I had before I came there. Asha hugged me too and gave me a hello kiss on the cheek like she tends to do. Baby Myra is amazing... she's so big already. She can roll over now and when Asha puts her on a blanket on the floor she'll roll all over the place. Not necessarily steamroller... a bit slower, but still. Scotch says they can't put her on their bed by herself because they're afraid she'll roll right off. She also is starting to make a lot of babbly noises and she squeals when Asha tickles her on her back... it's really adorable.

So I stayed and talked with them for a while. Scotch wanted to know all the details of what goes on at the house, but I really just wanted to talk about him and his family... we ended up jumping subjects a lot. But I didn't stay for too long... I wanted to have time to not be rushed in getting the plants and everything else. So I said goodbye to them and went on to the shopping part of town.

I hadn't been there myself in a long time... Adriel's been doing most of the shopping lately. He takes Rakem because the kid likes to get out and do things like that. Anyway, the main streets have really brightened up. I guess I didn't notice the flower boxes and hanging baskets and things at the shops, but they're in full bloom now. Maybe it's just the sunlight, but the people seem more colorful too. There was a younger girl, maybe 15 or 16... she had a booth of cut flowers and bouquets that she was selling. I don't know if she was from around her or not, but she said she and her mother grow them. She had some vegetables and little crafts and things too. But the flowers were really nice. I was in the sort of mood where I just wanted to do something spontaneous or just because it appealed to me without having a practical reason. So I went over and asked her what her favorite bouquet was.

She was pretty animated when she talked... showed me about five different bouquets but eventually she settled on one with these purple-and-gold flowers in it, and there were little blue ones, a big white flower in the middle and then little sprays of pink... it was well balanced and it smelled wonderful. When I said I wanted to buy it, she asked if it was for my sweetheart... I said no, I just thought they were beautiful and they'd brighten up the kitchen. She seemed a little surprised by that. But then... I guess it is spring. After that, once I was paying attention, the energy of the day was obviously contributed to by that fact... strong feelings, whether deep or shallow, seemed to be bursting out of everyone, mostly positive. In ways I felt a bit out of place as someone so level.

Anyway... I said goodbye to the girl and meandered over to the nursery, and asked for five crates of assorted garden vegetables. I made sure there were several different kinds. They were having a deal on that, so I decided it was the best and quickest choice. It was getting close to the time I wanted to be home, by then, so I didn't want to be too slow about it. Anyway... it was too much for me to carry myself, so I paid the charge to have some of the workers help me deliver it. Two of them carried two each on little cart things and I carried one in my arms. The two guys were kind of chatting with each other, talking about some trip the one's family was planning for the summer or something like that... they got a bit silent when they realized where we were heading. I stopped about where Merv's property starts and said I could take it from there.

So then I made several trips inside and dropped the crates off in the entrance way. Merv made a bit of a fuss about it when she got home, but I told her they'll be planted tomorrow so she backed off. Then of course there was dinner and cleanup.

I skipped out on Talmon's tutoring so I could have that little break today... and while we were getting ready for bed, today, he seemed bothered. I asked him if everything went okay while I was gone and he did this funny head jerk, which didn't really tell me whether he was saying yes or no. Eventually I figured it out and guessed "are you upset that I didn't take you with me?" and he got all offended-sounding and said "no", but it was in the way that I'm learning means he's lying. So I said he could read a bit with me before bed, since I'm starting to try and read the bible a little bit before bed lately too. I don't know how much of a treat he considered that to be, since there are a lot of weird words, but I made it clear that I couldn't pronounce them confidently either, and I got a couple of small smiles of amusement out of him. I'm still waiting to hear him laugh.

While we were lying in bed trying to fall asleep, he asked me if God only chooses people to die if they've done something bad. I said no... and told him that Jesus was kind of chosen by God to die even though he hadn't done anything wrong... and Adriel's mother had died even though she hadn't done anything wrong, and it was just because things happen in life, and some people choose to die for a cause as well. He said what if Adriel's mom died because she had a parthy and that was doing something wrong. I asked him who said that having a parthy was doing something wrong. He said that it would make logical sense for parthies and everyone who has parthies to die because they make the world a sad place and are sad themselves, and if God punishes people for doing bad things because he wants them to do good things to be happy, then it would make sense for him to get rid of everyone who make others sad or can't be happy themselves. I was kind of shocked. I didn't realize he'd paid this much attention or given this much thought to anything Adriel or I have said to him. That's some complicated stuff to think about, in ways. I told him that if God got rid of everyone who ever made another person sad, or who ever thought that they could never be happy again, then the whole world would be empty of people. I also said that not everybody who is a parthy makes others sad or is incurably depressed or troubled... I gave Adriel as an example.

Talmon was quiet for a little while after that... until I thought maybe he was asleep. But then he said "but the world really would be better off without parthies" and I said that if parthies didn't exist, there would probably be some other group of people in a similar position. I told him that I think one of God's favorite things to do is to take something that's broken or painful or even bad, and make it into something good. Talmon asked me "if that's his favorite thing then why doesn't he do it more often? It seems like he just lets a lot of things get broken so he can fix them, but then forgets about it".

I said that God respects people's choices and thoughts, and just like it's a terrible crime to alter someone's mind without their permission, God waits for us to invite him in before he fixes us. Talmon went silent again. I thought of K... I find it oddly beautiful that I think about him most when I'm trying to explain things like this to people.

I put the flowers in a sunny corner of the kitchen. Today was a better day than most because I took time to think and feel. I always come out of these sort of conversations feeling a little worried, though, about whether or not I explained things clearly. The last thing I want is for Talmon to be afraid of God. It's hard to reach him with it directly, though. I guess it's best to just present things to him plainly and let him sort them out, like he did before tonight. It's amazing how everybody's different.

One more thing before I close my eyes. Lycias called this morning to say hello. He says he's heard whispers in town about the crest on our door and wanted to check firsthand. I explained the basics to him, but once I expressed what it all came down to, he understood. He really is a good friend. It's too bad we can't talk more often... he says he'd like to come over sometime, as long as outsiders are welcome on Seorim turf, heh. I told him he's welcome anytime as long as he's not accompanied by government officials. We both know how unlikely that is. I guess we tend to joke around a little bit.

I'm hallucinating smelling cornbread... or maybe Rae is. Anyway.... I think that's my cue to sleep.

There's something to be said of forgetting one's self. I had no idea it could be meant so literally. Losing one's self in work.

Lately I'm so busy, I don't even think in the same patterns anymore. I do still have ... ah... my thought train just derailed again. ..... Oh right. I do still have moments where I think about myself, plenty of those, even thoughts of the past, but they don't feel the same, they're shouted over by present demands. I feel very simple lately. At first that was a relief and in ways it still is. Why over-complicate life? Why think too hard about past present and future all at once and the meaning of everything as it relates to you? I'm losing a bit of my philosophical flair and I'm not sure what to think of it.

You know, in the past I felt like such a poetic soul, kind of separate from the typical sort of people. Saw the world in poetic ways. Not as much anymore. I guess my romantic perception is fading out.... maybe that's a good thing. Better to be practical? I'm more down-to-earth now at least, I think. Not as caught up in wist and whimsy. Wishes... curiosity. Hmm.

Now when I'm not thinking about what to make for brunch or dinner, or trying to calculate how much time it will take me to clean up after meals, I'm thinking about what I can do better to teach Talmon how to read and write, what I can do to help the parthies here feel more at home and better about themselves, get a long better, wondering if it would be a good idea to take them all into town together or maybe more like a one or two at a time thing... things like that, all day long. Practical mundane things. Not that helping people is dull or anything. It's good to know that I can be a positive influence. And when it's with practical things like providing food and a stable environment, if it doesn't get too personal, there's less chance of it being turned around by accident so that I actually am not helping the situation. It's hard to hurt someone's feelings when you're just a cook. Not that I don't try to be friendly to them all either. Really I'd like to get to know them all a little better but I'm being passive about it... rushing into any sort of relationship is no longer something I deem wise, even if it's just a simple one. I feel too unaware of times when I may be unconsciously pressuring a person  who doesn't actually want any further developments. I guess I've decided to let other people call the shots from now on.

I wish I had more energy though... I had a lot for a while there but it's suddenly dipped again, I always feel -exhausted- at the end of the day. Almost like I didn't get enough to eat, but I've been trying to keep track of that lately, and I don't think that's it anyway. Really I don't know what it is. But I try not to let things like that bother me. I've got purpose, things to do, I'm needed. It's a good thing.

My personal activites have steadily tapered off since the parthies all arrived here. Even though in ways the first week was the busiest because I was still adjusting, I did more of my own things inbetween because I thought I could fit them in. But now it's just getting easier to leave them out. Long walks and runs got shorter and then quickly disappeared. No visits to the gym... sword forms are out... I haven't practiced my violin since the last time I wrote in here, beyond just fiddling with it for five minutes.  I still take a bath nearly every night... if I miss it at night I get up early to do it... but that's one of the only things staying constant. I read a little bit sometimes before falling asleep, or I'll catch a bit of reading during down time between meals and tutoring, but half the time I just sit down and try to think, but I can't get my thinking to flow in the fluid way it used to. It's interspersed with little alarm signals of how much time until I have to do such-and-such and "you haven't figured out what else to make for dinner yet" and so on. It's kind of annoying. So sometimes I don't even do that but I wander around checking on things.

Tutoring Talmon is oddly like a break for me, even though he complains and struggles. Maybe it fills something that everything else leaves empty. I guess in tutoring him I feel like I'm also trying to nurture him emotionally, and even if I don't know at all how well I'm doing, the fact that I'm given the opportunity to try to do that helps me clear my mind a little. The weird whirl of stuff-to-do kind of slows down a little bit. But it's still hard to get to that state of depth I had before. I think part of me likes it better that way.

I feel like in this state of mind, any poetry I'd try to write would be flat as a stale saltine cracker... that sort of emotional movement isn't really going on. I'm a level plane lately and my brain is in charge. Or something like that.

So I guess what I mean by forgetting or losing one's self in work is this weird sense of detachment from inner effects of outer actions... you just receive those actions and let them pass you by, and sort of direct them how you want without letting them enter you, so you don't pause on them for very long, because you have things to do.

It's weird because I've had busier times in my life so this shouldn't be so unfamiliar to me. But I guess the break between those times was large enough that I forgot what it feels like.

Anyway, life is good in that I manage to keep things in order almost every day, and I think at this point that's what matters most to me is being useful somehow and keeping myself occupied

Except of course on a deeper level I know what matters most to me is obviously the people I'm being useful to...

Anyway, this is an awfully long journal for such a bland subject... I wonder if I sound like a scientific report or something... probably not that bad. I wonder if going out one of these days just to walk around and smell the flowers a bit would do me some good, but at the same time I'd rather go out only if I have something useful to do at the same time, like shopping for someone. I wonder how Scotch and Asha and little Myra are doing... I haven't seen them in a long time.

I suppose I'd better give it a rest and try to sleep instead of chasing things I don't want to catch, heh... maybe I'll readjust in a few weeks and realize this is just a phase of transition.

Ah, a journal. Right.

Well, only a couple absolutely momentous things have happened since I last wrote. But one of the two is so momentous that it would be a shame not to write about.

But first, the lesser one.

Valentine's Day was quiet for the most part. Micah and Carly were out in the city all day... Merv and Gilead were also gone... well, except for when Micah and she assisted me in the diabolical hazenapping scheme. But other than that, I was alone with Adriel all day. And Adriel was in kind of a blah mood himself for some reason. So we mostly just hung around in each others' presence doing next to nothing while Talmon sat by watching us or napping on the floor. 

Anyway... a few minutes before Elie came over, fairly late in the evening, I was so bored that I decided to go water some of the plants in the skylight room and elsewhere... and Talmon followed me but stayed in the kitchen after I went to refill the pitcher the second time. I didn't think much of it, but I guess Adriel went to go see what we were doing, and he told me later that when Elie entered all dramatically, it startled Talmon and he dropped the glass of water he'd been filling... and Adriel and I both have a suspicion that he wanted to help water the plants. But anyway... so Talmon ended up cutting his hand on the glass... and so we had to bandage it up... and then he was having worse anxiety than usual but Elie still managed to get him to talk an awful lot. That was the first night he ever really talked to somebody... and he even cried on me a little bit later when he was half-asleep xD Elie works wonders, mm?

So Talmon talks a little more now... though he started into an odd rebellious streak. He even ripped up one of my K photographs : \ I was kind of hurt by that... but he is just a kid. He probably didn't know what he was doing.

Anyway... then one night... well, about a week ago actually... I was fast asleep in my room when Adriel came in and woke me up to tell me that K was home. I would have been really shocked if I wasn't so tired... so I actually fell back asleep a little while after he told me... but the next morning I found out a few more details and such, about what happened and where all the other parthies came from. I talked to mom/merv about it, and Adriel, and I would have talked to Tiras but he seemed to be feeling ill. Anyway... I eventually started to try and set myself to work helping out in any way I could. Thus I became the parthy chef by default, seeing as I'm the only one who's always home who actually knows how to cook more than a few things. It's actually a lot of work, but I enjoy it ... as long as they eat it...

I haven't seen Lycias much lately. I talk to him on the phone... he's busy with work and I guess he got pulled into helping someone out of the blue, as usual... so he's got his plate full. I guess it's for the best since I'm not sure what he'd think of this bunch anyway.

Talmon absolutely would not come out of Adriel's room for a day or two. I don't really know why... o.0 Adriel says he made Talmon introduce himself to K, but that nothing weird really happened, so neither of us know why he's being so shy. But I guess the presence of so many strangers must be disconcerting. He was starting to ease up a little though, thankfully. He just seemed to be trying to act as if the others weren't really there.

There are two of the new parthies who seem much more aware than the others: Kaserin and Elymais. Kaserin is pretty friendly, though I can't quite figure him out. He seems a little twitchy and anxious... he'll have random bursts of anxiety. I can feel it coming off him sometimes. Elymais seems for the most part to be more confident in uncharted territory, though he also seems perpetually tense, especially around me. I'm not sure why. I've been trying to be extremely unthreatening around the new parthies... since I don't know all the details of what their lives were like before they came here. He loosens up some around Adriel, and I'm intrigued at how obviously entranced he is by music. I've never seen someone be so completely overtaken by it before. Micah thinks he's passionate about it?  He needs to watch Elym's eyes when he hears music being played. It's like he's blasted to a whole new plane. I caught him looking like that, standing outside my door after I'd been fiddling with my violin a little bit. He seemed a little flustered when I asked him, though, and turned away. But then.. Adriel said later that when they were passing the theater room while I was doing sword forms to music, Elym stopped dead in his tracks to listen.

So naturally I tried to talk to him about it, but he's very reserved around me. Eventually I managed to coax him over to the piano and give him a crash course in the basics of music reading. I neglected to tell him about timing because after teaching him the names of the notes and how to find them on the keyboard, he insisted he could do the rest on his own, so I left him to it. He spent hours on it the first day. I hope he doesn't burn himself out... o.0

The parthies seem to eat pretty well. K still doesn't eat much, but he accepts more of what I offer than I expected. It's really quite encouraging actually! I'm... really glad. I was surprised, though, at how little Tiras ate the first few days. He was almost worse than K. I hope he's alright.

So yes... life is busy suddenly. Cooking for 10 extra people is time consuming. But things seem almost peaceful, despite how many of them seem to have no clue why they are here. They're oddly compliant.

Adriel and I have both missed two sundays of church now. This week, Micah, mom, Carly and Gilead all went to work. Micah works every sunday now, much to Adriel's dismay. I didn't feel like it would be a good idea to leave the house unsupervised, and Adriel didn't want to go without me, so we stayed home.

Today was Talmon's first day with his tutor, and it did not go well. I asked him multiple times if he was nervous, but he shook his head every time and seemed fairly calm, if exceedingly silent. The tutor is a nice older lady who lives in town... a fairly unthreatening figure, I thought. Anyway, we arrived at her house and she welcomed us warmly inside and tried to strike up a conversation with Talmon, who was still being fairly quiet but managed to mumble some responses. This is about when he started to seem a little tense, but it didn't seem particularly bad... so I gave his shoulder a little squeeze and told him I'd be back in an hour. Last I saw before closing the door, he was seated across a little table from the woman while she asked him about what sort of things he likes to do.

I was fairly confident that he'd be alright... but when I came to pick him up, it was a very perplexed woman who answered the door and told me that Talmon had locked himself inside her bathroom and wouldn't come out. I went in and talked to him through the door, asked him if he was alright... no response to that, so I tried a few other things and finally I told him that it was time to go home so he'd have to open the door unless he wanted to stay there forever. He opened the door immediately after that, and darted behind me to hide from the woman. She seemed pretty confused and apologized, said she didn't know what happened or if she'd said something wrong, but in the middle of the lesson he'd asked to be excused and just hadn't come back, and wouldn't reply no matter what she said to him through the door. I told her that it wasn't her fault and apologized on Talmon's behalf, then said I'd have a talk with him and call her back, that he was probably just nervous or something. I hope she didn't read too much into it... *sigh* Talmon was hiding behind me this whole time, clinging to the back of my shirt actually, which shocked me. He's not usually a clingy person.

As soon as we got outside and a fair distance from the woman's house, I pulled Talmon out in front of me and sat down with him so we could talk. He had this look on his face as if he were really afraid. He even started to quiver a little bit.

I said "Talmon, what's wrong? Did something happen? Do you want to talk about it?" . And then he looked like he was about to cry and started apologizing over and over again but not explaining what he had to be sorry for... when I questioned him further he just started to cry and so I pulled him into my arms and just let him cry for a few minutes, and kept telling him it was alright, I wasn't mad at him... I was afraid he might have thought I would be upset because of what happened....

When he just kept crying and wouldn't talk about it, I picked him up and carried him home so he'd know I was going to do exactly what I'd told him I would do, which was take him home... he calmed down after that. He went really silent but just let me carry him. I stopped once we were in the entrance-way of the house, and sat down on the little bench in there and asked him if the woman had done anything to scare him, and he said no, and tried to apologize again, but I interrupted him and asked him if someone else had scared him or hurt him, and he said no but then started crying a little again so I wasn't sure if I should believe him. I tried asking again what was wrong but he didn't say anything, just buried his face. So I sat with him silently... and tried to reassure him any way I could. I told him that I wasn't upset at all, and that I just wanted to understand what had happened because if something bad had happened, I wanted to fix it so it wouldn't happen again, and that if someone had hurt him I would protect him so they couldn't hurt him anymore, and that I wouldn't leave him anywhere that would be dangerous for him to be... and then I kind of trailed off because I didn't know what else to say... and finally he asked me something like "are you going to take me back" and I said "to the tutor's? Not if you don't want to go." and he said "no... the other place" and it took me a minute but I finally realized he meant the prison, and I said "no of course not, why would I do that?" And he said because he was a bad kid, and I told him that no, he wasn't, and that I wasn't going to give him back to those people or anybody else because he belonged with us now and is a part of the family. And he said that he was going to get us all in trouble, and I said no he wasn't... and I argued with him about things like this, gently, for a few minutes, and finally it trailed off into silence again and still he wouldn't let go or crawl off my lap like I expected him to. Finally I asked him if he wanted to help me make lunch and he nodded, so he got up and clung to my sleeve with one hand until we got to the kitchen and I set him up washing vegetables.

He's been really clingy to me all day.. or at least... if not clinging, he's been hovering around me all day. He still seems worried. Does he honestly expect us to abandon him or just give him away to someone? Does he really believe that he's so unwanted that we would shrug him off on someone else? I guess when your own mother abandons you, perhaps those kinds of thoughts can take root... but I wonder how it was for him in the shelter. I wasn't under the impression that anyone there would have been so disapproving toward him that he would have cause to think he's a bad kid and can only cause trouble. But that's what he seems to think... he seems to think that no matter where he goes, he's just a problem and nothing more.

I'll ask Micah what else he knows about where Talmon came from. I'm curious now...

But yeah. Poor kid.. *sigh* I mean I'm glad he's letting himself get attached to us... opening up a little bit... but I wish he weren't so afraid that we dislike him. Honestly, I really like him, for all his contrary-ness and confusion. He just doesn't understand himself, and he's afraid, that's all...

As for what to do about the tutor... I may end up having to try and teach him the basics myself, until he gets a little more comfortable with the idea that we're not trying to get rid of him *chuck*

Adriel was pretty surprised when he came in and saw Talmon being so obviously clingy. Talmon hid from him though. I'm pretty flattered that he trusts me to some extent... but I wish he'd trust Adriel too. After all, Adriel's... well... Adriel!

So yeah... lots of family-ish matters. I don't see much of anyone besides Adriel and Talmon these days... well, and K. He's family too. *odd surge of emotion* definitely family...

And the others will be too someday, I hope. Though a few of them seem to be getting resentful. One of the older ones in particular acts as if someone personally offended him by bringing him here o.0 I don't really know what to say to that one.

I wonder how the others will turn out...

Me... that' s right. That's what this journal is all about.

So "Ah, me".

This is going to be an exceptionally pointless post... because I'm extremely restless right now. I should probably go take a bath or something to wind down, and yet I know I won't because I almost would hate to waste this burst of energy, no matter how bizarre and useless it is!

Rae is obsessed with Ouran, much to my detriment when I find myself taking in accidentally bits of what she's reading. I know well which character she and Elie associate me with... and I chuck at the connection. And then I end up thinking about it too much o.0 Actually I think Tamaki is far more fondness-inducing of a character than I am. His flamboyant nature and innocent brand of stupidity make him far more appealing than if he actually WERE such a perfect prince as he pretends to be. He's funny... and I'm starting to understand the value of funny things. People can't take themselves too seriously... or they become boring and draining.

The author(ess) has a good sense of timing for plot change, as well. Considering it took 9 volumes for Tamaki to get even the slightest inkling of the true nature of his feelings for Haruhi... it drew out the ridiculous "father" bit just long enough for us to start wondering when he'll get a clue, but not long enough that we were bored of it. And I'm not sure why I'm speaking in plurals...

And even now it looks like nothing serious will start for a while. That's probably a good thing. Best to keep things light.

Why am I rambling about a manga series that is obviously written for girls? .... ....

I guess because I'm blaming it for this weird mood... though Rae should be thankful since she was almost too warm for about an hour just now *chucks* I've got to be good for something, right? 

I............. thiiiink........ hmm.

Yes I know that was amazing.

Okay no more about Ouran... NO MORE! This does not need to turn into a fan posting. Seph does not need to turn into a fanboy either. Though it's not as if I actually am obsessed in that way with any of the characters... I'm just amused by the parallels...  really.

I really am turning into a teenager -_- *sighs dramatically* ...

I have more that I'm thinking about, I promise, but I'm just not writing it xD wow this journal entry really IS pointless...! Okay well I'll throw in some more interesting facts.

Talmon lost a tooth today... last night he was eating dinner and suddenly cried out, dropped his fork and put his head in his arms. Turns out he bit down the wrong way so that it jolted his loose tooth out of place, so he couldn't eat anymore. He wouldn't let us see his mouth though. In fact he just kind of sat there holding his face for about 5 straight minutes. I think he was trying not to cry-- it must have hurt. Eventually he got up but was stubborn about opening his mouth. The next morning he didn't come to breakfast, so I eventually invaded his room and spent about an hour trying to persuade him to let me see it. He seemed kind of scared but like he didn't want to admit it... eventually Merv came in and promised to numb the spot if he'd let us see. When Talmon finally opened his mouth, it was easy to see that his tooth was basically falling out. Merv just gave it a few twists and pulled it out *Shudder* .... Talmon didn't feel a thing, but when he realized what she'd done, I could tell he was kind of upset. He went and hid in the bathroom for another hour, but eventually he came out and went to the kitchen (I think he was pretty hungry).

He talks a little bit more now.... mostly one-word answers and only if he feels like it. He'll say yes or no to most questions. at least the ones I ask him... Adriel has less luck for some reason, and Talmon refuses to talk to Carly or mom or Gilead. He'll answer Micah, too, but I get the feeling he sees Micah as a power to which he's obligated to bend since Micah was the one who bought him. I don't think he likes it.

Adriel's doing well... or seems to be anyway... he gets bored sometimes, emotional occasionally, but is never in a less-than-good mood for more than a day. There have been a few days during which he just kind of laid around and seemed melancholy for some reason... but I allow him that since I know I've been much worse, with less promise of being happy the next day. Well, lately I'm doing well. I live off a blind optimism which is very preferable to blind anxiety. I'm not sure where my life will go from this point, but for now I'm content to help out with Talmon, visit Scotch and Asha, and be Adriel's "best brother".

Agh he's so cute... I LOVE him. Not just because he's cute as far as looks go, but his personality is so pure and lovable. And he's wonderful at making me feel better about myself in the moments when I AM a bit down, or even in moments where I'm not but my learned self-condemnation is still present. He's like a little ball of warmth. A tiny star xD

On a different note, mom still seems not-quite-alright. She's back at work, but her brisk snappishness is subdued a little. Which, instead of making me feel better, makes me sad for her, because it seems like in the absence of attitude she's a little depressed. I catch her staring off a lot more, whereas usually she's full of restlessness at home, straightening things and going over her files. .... I wonder what she's feeling. Gilead is just calmly being her support as usual. I'm glad he's there for her.

I hope she's not still mad at me... she hasn't really spoken to me since then. 

I've been thinking about K a lot since I dressed up as him. I can never know what he went through, or really step into his shoes, but I wish I could understand him a little better. I wish I -had- understood him a little better, especially back when this all happened. I'm sure even Tiras feels like there's more he could do to help, but I -know- I didn't do all I could back then. I didn't care enough about him, and now that I do, it's wasted concern. I can't go back and change that I barely looked his way when he might have needed a brother. I can't change that I acted so superior and was such a jerk to him. And after I did start caring, I was too ashamed of my previous actions to do anything. The only things I've ever done for him are... actually, the only THING is that I've prayed for him. Cutting his hair that one time hardly even counts... he could have gotten someone else to do it just as well since it was such a simple trim. I wish I hadn't let my own awkwardness get in the way. But I guess I still don't know how to act around him. I feel like any concern I would show to him would be unwelcome, even if there weren't past meanness on my part involved.

That night I wished on a star for him to be happy seems so hypocritical to me now... when I was doing so little to actually try and help that wish come true.

Sometimes when Adriel is smiling at me or hugging me or laughing with me, I feel a pang of regret. I guess I feel guilty that instead of trying to be a good older brother to the brother I already had, I gave up and tried to start over with someone else. I know Adriel is probably happier because of it, but it's just that... my actions seem to say, even if I don't mean them to... they seem to say that K was too much work and not worth it. And so when Adriel says I'm the best big brother in the world, I know he means it, but I can't fully accept it and be proud of myself, because I know it's not much of an accomplishment to love someone who's so easy to love and who thinks you're great when you hardly even do anything.

If K is hard to love... well, I don't know if that's it. Maybe it's that... he doesn't as easily accept love as Adriel does. People naturally want their efforts to be accepted and recognized. So in that sense, yes... Adriel is easier to love. But K's ... K's easy to love, but hard to give love to, because it seems as if he doesn't know how to take it in, or doesn't want to.

And yeah... part of me still wonders if he dislikes me >_> I wouldn't be surprised.

But anyway... yeah. I've been thinking about him. Looks like Elie and Rae have too. Must be something in the air.

*still restless* ahhhhh... maybe I should go running or something... release all this love into the air through my laboured breathing!! *drama*  actually taht sounded kind of bad... nevermind.

more like just work the silliness out of my system. Silliness which I am trrryyyyiiiinggg not to let get into this post... thus my focus on serious stuff.... >_>

Adriel should be home from grocery shopping soon... then I'll have to FACE HIM *gasp* ... not sure what I mean by that... but I guess I just don't want to be made fun of for my silliness... but at the same time I do because if I'm going to be silly like this, it should at least provide amusement for someone at my expense... xD

Silly Seph.. yes...

le sigh. I hear K got a name, so now I'm the last of the 4 to still be stuck with his FF name... *clings to it* I don't mind ditching the -iroth part but the Seph is still dear to my heart D: well, and teph-teph.... *sighs at the mako storing bunnies* 

And yes, Vin doesn't count as being stuck with his since he's VINACCIO NOW *ha ha ha*

The only one I've liked that I've seen is Selah... influenced by Elie seemingly being okay with it... but there's no one-syllable variant of that which could be my nickname... *frown* I want a one-syllable nickname.... it's just "say" and "la". And I'm not being called "la". Then people could call me lala... or something stupid like that... and that is NOT acceptable!!

I could just see Maze going "Ooo look it's LALA, the MAYOR OF LALALAND!!" or something really stupid like that. Or going "SeLAHHHLAAALAALALALAAAAA" when I enter a room.... riiiiiiiiight.

*sways* I think my restlessness is bleeding over into Rae.... she is fidgeting incessantly. *amused smirk*

Yeah... oh well... it's not like I'm a major enough person for it to be an issue that my name is a shortened form of Sephiroth, whose bangs and hair/eye coloration are eerily similar to mine, though mine are obviously nicer and less ridiculous looking.... .......... I would hope.

Plus my fondness for swords... mmmmmmmhmmmm..... it's funny because some days I feel kind of unmoved by the idea of doing sword forms... but then I open my closet and see my swords sitting there, and it seems so sad that they're not being used when they're such nice weapons, that I instantly get a spark of something that lasts long enough for me to run through a couple of songs with them.

Besides, I have bouts of apathy toward most of my hobbies... but once I actually am doing them I always feel better.

more fidgeting...

Maze called me (apparently contrary to Elie's advice... or so he said) to ask for proposal ideas. Looks like he's really serious about this. I must say I'm kind of surprised... but on the whole I'm happy for him, it seems to be making an improvement on his character, and that's what really matters. I'm afraid I wasn't very helpful though... it's just not the same trying to think up something for Hale. Besides, for it to really have the right impact, it needs to involve actions and words which ring true with Maze's character, since Hale loves it when Maze makes himself vulnerable to him and is honest. I said as much, so maybe it will help eventually. We'll see what happens I suppose!

I wonder how that will affect Hale's plans for valentine's day... I wonder if he'll need my help after all or not.

It's raining outside right now... really loudly o.0 hmm. Sad... all the snow will be melted....

Lycias is still within visiting distance, luckily! I'm currently trying to decide whether or not to leave when he does. It's true that Adriel would be terribly upset... and now we have added to the mix the fact that sometimes I'm the only person at home with Talmon, so if I left, Adriel would be the only one "watching" him when everybody else is at work... which might not go over so well, and would restrict him from doing as much with Rakem too. But I don't want Lycias to get too far away, and I still wonder if I should go traveling like I was going to. I can't decide. I can't decide if I should trust myself that much. I think I would be fine now that things seem to have stabilized a little in my heart, but life is so unpredictable that it's hard to say how easily things could get shook up again.

And I'm happy right now... so I'll embrace that for as long as it will last, right? That's what life is about.

Can you believe little baby Myra is already over a month old? She'll be sitting up before we know it! Scotch is such a great dad... he and Asha work so hard together... it's really beautiful to watch. I'm proud to be his friend.

Blahblahblah... I'm going to bully Rae into eating something now... since I can sense the gnawing in her stomach. Shame, shame! 

I know, I'm not one to talk. But I DO eat more than I used to......